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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nieces have bad manners?

61 replies

BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 15:48

We live abroad, and we have extended a standing invitation for relatives and friends to come and visit. We’re always happy to have guests. However...

Over the last few days, I’ve had two sets of relatives announcing they’re coming to visit this summer. One set (two nieces aged 20 and 21) just emailed to say when they’re landing, and after much probing I still don’t know when they’re leaving! All they’ve said is that they will be staying with us ‘a few weeks’.

First AIBU: AIBU to expect guests to tell me how long they’re staying?

Meanwhile, another niece (different side of the family), aged 19, just emailed to say she’s coming for a week in August ‘with a male friend’. Now I know she has a boyfriend, and I would be fine with them sharing a room, but despite my asking a few times, she has still not confirmed whether she’s coming with her boyfriend or some other (platonic) friend. All I want to know is that they will be fine sharing a bed, as space is going to be tight with 4 guests all coming at the same time.

Second AIBU: AIBU to expect to be told who is coming to my house? Is it the boyfriend I know, or some random guy we’ve never met?

Are all young people cavalier like this?

OP posts:
Booboooo · 25/06/2019 15:49

Ask them outright

mbosnz · 25/06/2019 15:51

Don't I know the feeling?!

You are not being unreasonable wanting to know how long they hope to stay with you. (You actually do have some say in that, you know).

Your second 'aibu', your niece is very rude to presume that the invitation extends to her boyfriend, and certainly not to clarify who is actually coming!

daphine2004 · 25/06/2019 15:51

Whilst you have a standing invitation, it’s rude not to ask before making plans. It may not be convenient for you to host guests at that time.

If it were me I’d go back and say, “happy for you to stay but only until date”.

I’d also be tempted to cancel one and say that you’ve already got people staying so they can’t come that week. That means you don’t have an overloaded house - it’s jars hosting for weeks!

daphine2004 · 25/06/2019 15:52

Hard*

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 15:52

@Booboooo, I have! I’ve asked the first set - when are you leaving? No reply. Sent a second email - also no reply.

I asked the other niece, who is that male friend, is he your BF, are you happy to share a bed? Also no reply, despite two emails.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 15:53

All of them have terrible manners and are cheeky fuckers, they should be asking if those dates suit you before booking anything and they absolutely should be telling you how long they would like to stay. Very rude and disrespectful, likewise the other niece how hasn't answered your question.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 15:54

I had my American cousins of the same age visit recently and trying to get them to firm up plans was like pulling hen’s teeth. It wasn’t bad intentions, they just weren’t remotely organised themselves. I tried to benignly remember being 19 and thinking everyone was as lassez faire as me!

Waveysnail · 25/06/2019 15:54

I would send a reply that's fine to stay for two weeks but after that they need to find somewhere else and send them links to youth hostels

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 15:55

Is it your siblings who are their parents btw? If so maybe phone them and say explain the situation, unless they're also cheeky fuckers they might give their children an ear full on bad manners

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 15:56

You could also send them each another mail saying that as they haven't replied with details, you assume the trip is cancelled which suits you as you are away those weeks now :p

LadyPoldark · 25/06/2019 15:56

Just tell them to answer the emails by a certain date or cancel their holidays, as you have other people staying and are not an open house .

billy1966 · 25/06/2019 15:57

Do you really have to ask OP, should you be afforded the basic courtesies from potential house guests that plan on staying a couple of weeks???

I would get back to them and tell them you have a very busy summer ahead. That they need to give you exact dates and details of their proposed visit. That you will get back to them to let them know if it suits you.

Both rude and presumptuous IMO.

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 16:00

@daphine2004, they all checked with us ages ago (April/May) that we were fine having them this summer. And we are! But I expected them to confirm their travel dates before booking tickets and just placing us before the fait accompli.

There’s no way I would cancel on any of them, we’re literally on the other side of the world. That would be very stressful for them, I’d never do that. They’re all lovely girls, but somehow they all seem to be behaving like airheads over this.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 25/06/2019 16:01

Surely if they have booked the flight out they have booked the return?
I think they are all being incredibly rude and I would def issue ultimatums to both with clear boundaries.
I also wonder if their parents are your siblings? Or in laws?
Maybe a word with the parents although ridiculous to have to at their age!!
My DC are similar ages and I would be very disappointed if they were so rude!!

Drum2018 · 25/06/2019 16:02

Sod that. I wouldn't agree to them staying longer than a week. So email them back and say that they can stay for the full week but no longer than that as you have plans. What a cheek to expect to come and stay for a few weeks.

As for the other one bringing a male friend, again be firm in telling her that you need to know if her friend will be sharing a room. If she can't answer that simple question tell her to stay where she is. No way would I put up with their level of rudeness not to be upfront about their plans.

If you don't hear from any of them within a couple of days then I'd tell the lot of them not to bother coming.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 25/06/2019 16:02

Do you really want them for weeks at a time?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/06/2019 16:03

Send one more email to them all

"Dear Nieces, No reply means no free bed to sleep in. Now... how long / who is he? You have 48 hours to reply before I cancel your booking and invite others in your place"

ColaFreezePop · 25/06/2019 16:04

There’s no way I would cancel on any of them, we’re literally on the other side of the world.
Yes you can. You they are staying at your house as guests.

That would be very stressful for them,
So it's ok for all 3 of them to stress you out completely?

I’d never do that.
Stop being a doormat

They’re all lovely girls, but somehow they all seem to be behaving like airheads over this.
So as the older more mature adult you:

  1. Ask them again to confirm when they are coming and give them 48 hours to reply to you.
  2. Then contact their parents and tell the issue. Their parents may actually be able to tell you when their daughters are coming over.
BlingLoving · 25/06/2019 16:04

Honestly, I am not sure this is even about youth. For some reason, some people just seem to think they an treat family homes as their own. I don't know why. And for young people, who are all super relaxed about stuff, it just doesn't occur to them to think that maybe it's not convenient for you or that you'd like to plan and for that you need to know who is coming and when. It's like this weird black hole made up of a combination of family-based lack of consideration and age.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 16:05

There’s no way I would cancel on any of them, we’re literally on the other side of the world. That would be very stressful for them, I’d never do that. They’re all lovely girls, but somehow they all seem to be behaving like airheads over this.

Well then just be straight with them and forget about emailing, pick up the phone and say "Niece, I'm really annoyed that you have ignored my last two emails, of course I love having you to stay but I have a life too and I need to know what your arrangements are, when someone is doing you a favour, you need to appreciate that and not be so rude, now can you please answer my questions."

KurriKurri · 25/06/2019 16:06

I suppose (being kind) they could have picked up a mixed message - you have a standing invitation - which sounds a bit like open house, so they think everything will be on a very casual basis.
I agree with you though - whenever I visited my parents thier irst question was 'when are you leaving' Grin

I'd send a strongish (though obv friendly) e-mail, tell them you need dates as you have other things to plan this summer as well as their visits and other friends who want to come so you need to know. They are being rude - but probably not intentionally so, some people don't mind how long folks stay (I have a literally open ended no need for details arrangement with my sister that works both ways, but it's only for my sis or her/my kids - not any old relation) but others need to know, depends on the host and on the guests how you want to play things.

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 16:07

The first set of two nieces are actually my cousin’s daughters, who I see as my nieces.

The other one (with the ‘male friend’) Is my sister’s daughter.

I have no intention of discussing this with my sister or my cousin - the girls are all adult, we need to resolve this like grown ups.

Thanks everyone for confirming it’s not just me! I really needed to vent over this. I’m ashamed to think I was probably just as laisser-faire at their age...

OP posts:
timeforawine · 25/06/2019 16:11

Can you contact the parents and get them to either give you a date or force the girls into replying to you?
Bloody rude of them

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2019 16:12

Why doesn't anyone phone eachother anymore though? Speak to them fgs

Morgan12 · 25/06/2019 16:14

Why are you waiting on email replies when you can WhatsApp (and see if they have read the message) or phone them?