Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my nieces have bad manners?

61 replies

BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 15:48

We live abroad, and we have extended a standing invitation for relatives and friends to come and visit. We’re always happy to have guests. However...

Over the last few days, I’ve had two sets of relatives announcing they’re coming to visit this summer. One set (two nieces aged 20 and 21) just emailed to say when they’re landing, and after much probing I still don’t know when they’re leaving! All they’ve said is that they will be staying with us ‘a few weeks’.

First AIBU: AIBU to expect guests to tell me how long they’re staying?

Meanwhile, another niece (different side of the family), aged 19, just emailed to say she’s coming for a week in August ‘with a male friend’. Now I know she has a boyfriend, and I would be fine with them sharing a room, but despite my asking a few times, she has still not confirmed whether she’s coming with her boyfriend or some other (platonic) friend. All I want to know is that they will be fine sharing a bed, as space is going to be tight with 4 guests all coming at the same time.

Second AIBU: AIBU to expect to be told who is coming to my house? Is it the boyfriend I know, or some random guy we’ve never met?

Are all young people cavalier like this?

OP posts:
LastChanceFinalOffer · 25/06/2019 16:15

Just ring them. If they don't answer, leave a voicemail asking them to ring you back to confirm the details. Surely they have a return flight to go home.

bridgetreilly · 25/06/2019 16:16

The nieces are not behaving like adults. I would definitely mention it to their parents.

Zilla1 · 25/06/2019 16:17

It's not just you, OP. I know you don't want to sort with their parents but would you be willing to say, 'It's OK. I expect you're too busy to reply. I'll just check with your parents if you don't reply soon ' to encourage a response.

DarlingNikita · 25/06/2019 16:18

No, it isn't just you. They're rude and cheeky.

WhatsApp them if you use it, or phone. Tell them straight that (case 10) you can't have her for 'a few weeks’ but 'until x date', and case 2, if she won't tell you who she's coming with she can like or lump the sleeping arrangements.

Ninkaninus · 25/06/2019 16:19

Email them again and say clearly that unless you hear back with answers to your questions by X date you regrettably won’t be able to host them.

That really is rude.

DarlingNikita · 25/06/2019 16:19

The nieces are not behaving like adults. I would definitely mention it to their parents.

Good idea.

EB100 · 25/06/2019 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 16:28

I’m not phoning them because i don’t have phone numbers for any of them.

I’m enjoying suggestions that I’m a doormat (!) and such like. I’m not - I appreciate the importance of family, and I’m indebted to them and their parents as they looked after my late mother before she died. For that reason alone, they are welcome here.

It’s also important for my DCs - they really long for a connection to their extended family. It’s hard growing up as expat kids, and they love having their big cousins around. One of them is godmother to my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 16:32

And I’ve asked all of them (repeatedly, by email) to send me their flight itinerary. It takes a second to forward a flight booking email!

Gah. I need to brace myself for 4 overgrown teenagers! Smile

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/06/2019 16:37

You need to be firmer. And yes, give the email a CAPS LOCK title like "YOU KNOW I HAVE LIFE TOO, RIGHT?!!", so they can't ignore it

The firmly but with a bit of warmth, point out that you need to know NOW what their dates are, because you have commitments too, and at this point you have no idea what's going on.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/06/2019 16:39

I have no intention of discussing this with my sister or my cousin - the girls are all adult, we need to resolve this like grown ups. Well! That's setting yourslf up for more weeks of misery!

Just ask their parents to give them a nudge... remind them that you are treating them like adults!

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 16:43

It’s funny how feisty people are on AIBU. Are there any real life people who send rude as fuck, all cap emails to their close relatives?

Yes, the nieces are showing bad manners - that much we’ve established. But surely the way to resolve this isn’t to be rude in return?

I intend to lead by example... I may have a chat with them when they arrive. It’s always easier to do this face to face.

OP posts:
JellyBaby666 · 25/06/2019 16:43

Contact their parents to get their numbers?

'Hi Jill, really looking forward to having Sally & Susie to stay. Need to confirm dates and details but don't have their numbers - can you give me their mobiles and I can call/text them? Cheers!'

DarlingNikita · 25/06/2019 16:46

OP, you do seem to be acting like a doormat.

You don't need to brace for 4 overgrown teenagers. You need to assert yourself. Contact their parents if you can't or won't phone the nieces themselves.

ComeAndDance · 25/06/2019 16:52

Actually I would contact the mothers and ask for tel number. If they ask why. Just say you need to finalise arrangements for their trip.
You’ll kill two birds with one stone. You’ll be able to speak to them which will be easier and it might be enough to nudge them to contact you wo sounding you have gone to mummy.

ComeAndDance · 25/06/2019 16:53

FWIW I can see how this might happen.
They see the email at a time when they dint have all the details, out ut aside with the intention of getting back to you. But it feels miles away still so they dint see the urgency. And then they forget.

Butterflyone1 · 25/06/2019 16:57

I find it odd that you'd rather ask a bunch of strangers online if your family are being rude rather than contact them (or parents) to ask for more information lol

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 17:00

@ComeAndDance, yes I agree - we all do this with emails sometimes. I get that!

And the thing is, it’s not urgent. I will welcome them anyway. I just want to know.

But I agree about phone/WhatsApp numbers, I’m going to find a way to get all their numbers.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 25/06/2019 17:01

Just had a thought-my DC of similar age are not on email much at all-they find it hilarious-sort of like carrier pigeons and cave writing so I wonder if actually getting their phone numbers and whats app-ing them will expedite things?
So i would message parents and ask for girls number-you don't have to include them in the arrangements at all.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/06/2019 17:04

Send an email with the title:

No contact - assume hol is off? No probs as others may need the rooms!

And send a breezy few lines along, hi, haven't heard from you despite repeated emails so assume you may not be coming - we have other friends who would quite like to stay then so no problem - some other time!

You will have a panicky reply in minutes.

And then you can reply with an 'Oh! You DO read your emails? Right.'

Isatis · 25/06/2019 17:06

There’s no way I would cancel on any of them, we’re literally on the other side of the world. That would be very stressful for them, I’d never do that.

Why not? If they can't be bothered to answer an email even after you've warned them, then they can just suck up the stress. But the reality is that if you send a sufficiently firm message that tells them to reply by, say 1st July or you WILL be cancelling, they'll manage to put together a message in response.

Alternatively, with the nieces who won't tell you when they're going back, tell them they can stay two weeks and after that they'll have to bugger off and make their own arrangements if they want to stay in the country. And tell the one with the mystery boyfriend that if she can't reply within a week the boyfriend will have to go to a hotel.

NavyBlueHue · 25/06/2019 17:07

@BorisBadunov whilst I can see that you value family above their bad manners, which is of course your prerogative to do so, perhaps you could also teach them that bad manners won’t help them in the rest of their life and politely explain that they need to answer your questions before they can enjoy your hospitality.

Letting these young adults treat family with such lack of thought is not a great example to set them so perhaps a little more forcefulness from you would actually do them some good in the long run and teach them the value of courtesy.

EB100 · 25/06/2019 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BorisBadunov · 25/06/2019 17:11

@NavyBlueHue, good point well made. And certainly something I can discuss with them.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 25/06/2019 17:15

Wow ...you are not an hotel Borisbaduv. It is not a case of we are coming to stay at that time ...it is a case of ...or should be ...of 'is it convenient for us to come between A and B. If those dates are not convenient would dates C and D be better for you? If neither of these are convenient we quite understand and will in touch another time soon to see if we can link up'.

This kind of rudeness is astonishing.