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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws not visiting dd in hospital

69 replies

mooseyem · 25/06/2019 13:38

AIBU to be blocking out my in-laws after NON of them visited us while DD (3yrs) was in hospital 5 nights? At one point DH's parents drove past the hospital to go on holiday 30mins away!
This was a month ago and I am so angry with them for not supporting my husband. I have taken alot of crap from MIL in the last 6 yrs and I am ready to pop. I don't want to though, I just want to be left alone but MIL keeps ringing to talk to me, not to see the kids but to manipulate the situation and turn it round on me. I'm asking for advice on what to say to her so she will leave me alone in the future. They can see our kids whenever they want, I will never stop that but I am choosing to take a step away from them for my mental health and my marriage. If anyone has any advice....

OP posts:

mbosnz · 25/06/2019 13:40

Do you have caller id? I find it to be an absolute god send. . . .

helpmum2003 · 25/06/2019 13:42

What does your DH think?

If a child is I'll enough to be in hospital visiting by extended family is not always appropriate.

BorisIsABellend · 25/06/2019 13:45

Block her number. Feign ignorance about it and then DH can deal with her from now on.

Hope your DD is on the mend.

BertrandRussell · 25/06/2019 13:46

Did they keep in touch while she was in hospital? I might hesitate to visit a 3 year old in hospital unless specifically asked to. But I would certainly keep in touch and do anything else I could to help........

Mrsjayy · 25/06/2019 13:48

Speak to her say your dh would have appreciated a quick visit to the hospital if that is what she is phoning about , don't block her tell her your dhs feelings were hurt, leave yourself out of the loop.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 13:49

I think you are going to damage your own MH by taking on the need to be angry.

Let your DH manage his own parents and his relationship with them

Was it serious? was there a need for them to be there? Did your DH need support?

I just want to be left alone but MIL keeps ringing to talk to me .... I'm asking for advice on what to say to her so she will leave me alone in the future.

Don't answer the phone or pass it directly to your DH.

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 13:49

What does she say when she rings? Sounds like there’s a bigger story here than them not visiting your DD. Have they asked how she is?

IsabellaLinton · 25/06/2019 13:50

MIL keeps ringing to talk to me, not to see the kids but to manipulate the situation

I’m so sorry this happened Hope your DD is feeling better!

I’ve been in a similar situation, unfortunately. Don’t talk to MIL. She can ring all she likes, but don’t answer the phone and don’t allow her the opportunity to manipulate the situation. Remove yourself from it completely.

Your DH can talk to her and make arrangements if he likes - that’s up to him. His mother - his job, not yours. I strongly advise you to disengage from her nonsense. You’ll be much happier for it.

Original poster

mooseyem · 25/06/2019 13:54

DH feels abandoned by them and embarrassed. They blatantly choose BIL over us. They wanted to visit but the doctors weren't sure if we were transferring. Then they used this as a reason not to visit. I cannot tell you how controlling and manipulative this MIL is, I haven't met someone who can beat me on worst MIL stories!

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 13:58

I'm going to ask - They wanted to visit but the doctors weren't sure if we were transferring. Then they used this as a reason not to visit. - is this actually an unreasonable assumption for them to make?

Mrsjayy · 25/06/2019 13:59

But if the Dr was unsure they were probably wise not to visit you didn't say that inyour original post. It sounds like you are exhausted by the whole thing ring her urmm and arrr cut the call short then it is done.

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 14:04

They wanted to visit?

fleshmarketclose · 25/06/2019 14:05

I don't think they did anything wrong tbh if they were making enquiries about their grandchild's health from you of dh. If my dgc was in hospital then unless I was needed I probably wouldn't visit if it was only five days. Of course if dd needed support then I would be there for her but I'd probably busy myself with making preparations for when they got home so would organise a shopping delivery and do cleaning and laundry as required.

BertrandRussell · 25/06/2019 14:07

“They wanted to visit but the doctors weren't sure if we were transferring. Then they used this as a reason not to visit.”
Not sure this is unreasonable, to be honest.......
But if your dh feels abandoned and embarrassed then rhere’s obviously a lot more going on. Maybe he should talk to them?

Sirzy · 25/06/2019 14:07

So they did want to visit.

Also if they know you aren’t keen on them for whatever reason then they may have felt awkward coming and potentially making you feel more stressed.

When ds has been in hospital I have a very limited list of people who we actually want to see.

I wonder if the stress of the situation is potentially turning this into more than it needs to be

Original poster

mooseyem · 25/06/2019 14:08

The docs weren't sure on day 2, the other 3 days we knew we were staying. I do agree that this was a sound reason not to visit on day 2 but these are in laws that have tried to control everything, tried to tell us what to do constantly! I guess I'm more wounded that they weren't there

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 25/06/2019 14:09

But they did want to visit though. ..

Teddybear45 · 25/06/2019 14:10

Depends why your child was in hospital. Was it serious? DN recently spent 5 days in hospital getting vitamin injections for a deficiency - was healthy, doing homework, and so we didn’t visit.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 25/06/2019 14:10

On this one scenario I think YABU. Not everyone feels comfortable around hospitals and some times you can feel like you're in the way rather than helping and it sounds like they were in touch in other ways anyway.

However, it sounds like this isnt an isolated incident so I can kind of see why you would be wound up by it

NewFoneWhoDis · 25/06/2019 14:15

Oh for fucks sake, hospitalisation is not a spectator sport.

Our hospitals are riddled with bugs and infections that visitors bring in and spread around to sick vulnerable people. You wanted them to potentially go against doctors advice for what? To prove their love for her or something?
YABU.

If my child is sick in hospital, I wouldn't want anyone coming in potentially spreading MORE infections around their ward.

Purplejay · 25/06/2019 14:15

I hope your DD is ok but I am not sure why you feel your inlaws should have visited. So long as they show an interest that seems fine. Not sure why your DH needed support from them.. he has you..also people don’t like to intrude, generally there is a limit on the number of visitors allowed etc.

I suppose I am just used to getting on with it. If my DS were in hospital For 5 days, no family would visit except me and his dad, but then our parents are all deceased. Prior to that though I wouldn’t expect it. I would have expected them to phone and see how we were all doing.

EyeoftheStorm · 25/06/2019 14:18

Look I get it. It’s death by a thousand cuts. I think I could give you a run for your money with mil stories. So if she’s so bad, why do you care? You’re not going to get what you want from her, so don’t expect anything. Why are you answering the phone to her? She’s not your mother.

Freudianslip1 · 25/06/2019 14:18

I have a dc who spends a lot of time in hospital, shortish but frequent stays and I always tell my family not to visit. The car park queue is usually 30-60 minutes long, there are never enough seats for visitors and obviously they bring in germs. OP as long as they asked about your dd by text then I think that's ok.

1Wildheartsease · 25/06/2019 14:18

Not visiting doesn't sound unreasonable in the circumstances.
They asked to come - and an excuse (a reason) was given why they should not. Reading between the lines they might have felt that a visit would be a trouble and not what you all wanted?

On the phone calls, why do you answer?

ApricotJelly · 25/06/2019 14:18

It's always difficult to know whether to visit a child in hospital. It's hard to tell whether or not your presence is actually wanted. Also how ill the child is - whether a visit might unsettle them even more than they already are. Maybe they rang to ask but didn't get an answer. So many unknowns here. Hard to say.

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