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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws not visiting dd in hospital

69 replies

mooseyem · 25/06/2019 13:38

AIBU to be blocking out my in-laws after NON of them visited us while DD (3yrs) was in hospital 5 nights? At one point DH's parents drove past the hospital to go on holiday 30mins away!
This was a month ago and I am so angry with them for not supporting my husband. I have taken alot of crap from MIL in the last 6 yrs and I am ready to pop. I don't want to though, I just want to be left alone but MIL keeps ringing to talk to me, not to see the kids but to manipulate the situation and turn it round on me. I'm asking for advice on what to say to her so she will leave me alone in the future. They can see our kids whenever they want, I will never stop that but I am choosing to take a step away from them for my mental health and my marriage. If anyone has any advice....

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 25/06/2019 14:20

I can't imagine my granddaughter being in hospital 5 days and not visiting. Even if I wasn't allowed in I'd be seeing if the parents needed food, fresh clothes or time away for a cup of tea.

Ncbecauseshesprobablyonhere · 25/06/2019 14:20

I know how you feel. My newborn was in for 2 weeks and no one visited, although my sister said she would’ve but didn’t want to ‘bond with him, just Incase’ Hmm so slightly different.
Just ignore her calls and try to put it to the back of your mind, to them it won’t feel as huge and all-consuming as it did to you.
I hope your DD has made a full recovery and that you’re treating yourself well, it can be so traumatising seeing your child so ill Flowers

Guff · 25/06/2019 14:22

There is obviously more going on.

If one of my dc were in hospital I wouldn't want anyone apart from other dc and myself and Dad at the hospital. If they are ill enough to be in hospital they are not well enough to receive visitors.

Cersei61 · 25/06/2019 14:23

So your husbands mother wanted to visit her grandchild in hospital, but couldn't for a perfectly valid reason, and you want to cut contact with her.

Ok.

Wonder what that mother's side of the story would be.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 14:23

There is obviously a lot more going on behind the scenes.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/06/2019 14:24

YANBU that they shouldn't be trying to turn the situation around, but you need to draw some lines here; they're your DH's family, so from this point on disengage. Don't answer calls or texts, don't engage in conversations with them and remove yourself whenever they're present.

There's no rule that states you need to be on good terms with In Laws. In a perfect world you would be, but when you're hurt and upset over their actions, it's going to add more hurt and injury. Let things die down, focus on your immediate unit and let MIL do as she pleases.

Also, as someone who has had many, many spats with my own MIL I've recently learned to disengage and it has been sublime. Obviously she still hates me with hellfire, but I feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders since consciously choosing to opt out of things. I can't recommend it enough.

ChicCroissant · 25/06/2019 14:25

I think - no matter what the backstory is here, OP - this would be the wrong thing to fall out over. Perhaps they could have supported you and your DH better than they did by looking after things at home. I wouldn't expect a child in for a week to have a flood of family visitors, mum and dad yes but probably not anyone else.

I hope you and your DD are doing OK now.

Gatehouse77 · 25/06/2019 14:26

When my DD was in hospital for a week the last thing she wanted was visitors. If your DH feels unsupported by them then that’s what needs addressing. By him with your support. If he’s not willing does he want you to do it for him?
Otherwise, support your DH and only respond to 1in 5 contacts made by MIL.

It seems to me that you would be better off getting a full understanding of how DH feels and what he wants to do.

You can be pissed off they didn’t visit but you can’t change it. You can change your reaction to it.

SandyY2K · 25/06/2019 14:26

You sound so angry OP. Let it go. Life's too short.

BlueMerchant · 25/06/2019 14:26

She's not your mother, answer once more and tell her she can liase with her son from now on. Remove yourself. Your DH can surely deal with her or not. His choice.

JingsMahBucket · 25/06/2019 14:27

@mooseyem my advice to you would be to get this moved to the Relationships board by MNHQ before it turns ugly.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 25/06/2019 14:27

No need for Mil to have your number imo. Block her and kewve dh to deal with them. Your dd isn't missing out if she doesn't see them. What they want is irrelevant.

Original poster
mooseyem · 25/06/2019 14:30

@JingsMahBucket I only wanted a little support or food for thought lol I think I will deal with this one alone and not open myself up to further scrutiny!

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 25/06/2019 14:30

Both of my children are frequently in hospital, sometimes on high dependency. I have never allowed grandparents to visit due to infection control. I a believer in containing germs. Now granted my IL's wouldn't visit anyway but then they don't keep in contact either. My parents however are always checking in when we are on the ward. Did you IL's keep check on you dd when she was in or was it complete lack of communication? If they checked in with you then I think you are overthinking. If they didn't bother to ring or text then yes they are being CF's. I can understand the point over what to do if they thought you were transferring. The issue is how much contact did they have in other ways to check on you both?

Medievalist · 25/06/2019 14:32

I had a 3 year old in hospital for a week once. It would never in a million years have occurred to me to expect any gps to visit. He was really ill and just wanted me or DH with him. My dsis did drop everything and travel 250 miles to be with us - so she could look after our other 2 small children. I don't recall her going to the hospital in that time.

YABU

Zilla1 · 25/06/2019 14:32

On it's own, not visiting could appear reasonable for the 1-2 days when there was the issue about transferring (though that wouldn't stop them from visiting and I would have if I were the IL to offer support and see how your DD was unless you told me not to ). Did they contact during that time to find out how your DD was and offer help to you and your DP? If your DD was seriously ill then I don't your ILs have behaved well and I would not forget that.

Snowy81 · 25/06/2019 14:33

When ds was in hospital we didn’t want anyone there. It’s hard enough being with a child, without dealing with visitors. There was a child opposite who must have had every grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin and next door neighbour to visit- he was there 6 days, and it really pissed everyone else off on the ward, who were just parents with their child. Constant loud chatter, laughing etc, yes it was visiting hours, but when everyone has poorly children, recovering from ops, trying to sleep as they’d been unwell all night and so on, it was draining. So I can perfectly understand and appreciated people staying away to allow a child to get better.

stayathomer · 25/06/2019 14:35

I have ( unfortunately) had two children in hospital for that length of time. Nobody visited on these particular visits but I definitely didn't expect them to, like someone said above, it's not a spectator sport! OP I'm so sorry but you are over thinking all of this and getting too caught up. And everyone saying not to answer the phone? Why not just talk!

stucknoue · 25/06/2019 14:38

It seems a long time to you but 5 nights isn't long and they could have had prior engagements. I'm guessing that you kept them updated and it was nothing life threatening.

justasking111 · 25/06/2019 14:45

When my DCs were ill my family did not visit, when GC was ill we were all asked not to visit by hospital, on these occasions there were some very sick children in there, a simple cold virus was life threatening. As parents we made sure to wear clean clothes, used gallons of handwash. It is not like visiting an adult.

Pinotjo · 25/06/2019 14:53

You cant change people or the way they behave, what you can do is change the way you let it affect you. You are a grown woman with your own home & family, they cant affect you unless you let them, if they try to control you dont let them, make your own decisions. Dont expect them to behave the way you want them to then you wont be disappointed. Dont answer the phone every time they ring, if you do speak and they say something you dont like say "I dont want to discuss this" or " I'm really busy I'll speak to you another time" . Surround your family especially DH with love and dont let them intrude, you're a unit anyone else is an outsider and is not worth your trouble Flowers

BookwormMe2 · 25/06/2019 14:53

So they wanted to visit but you said hold your fire because of possible transfer, then they went on a holiday that was presumably already booked when the transfer was still up in the air? Doesn't sound like they were being unreasonable but allowed themselves to be guided by what you were telling them.

BeerandBiscuits · 25/06/2019 14:56

YABU. It was only 5 days. No need for visitors apart from parents.
MIL must realise you don't like her. Perhaps she didn't want to risk visiting in case it annoyed you.

Bluerussian · 25/06/2019 14:57

The in laws don't sound reasonable to me either. Presumably the little girl was in hospital for something fairly minor, if it had been serious I doubt they would have gone on holiday.

However the op is a bit upset and needs a hand hold. We can give her that, then she'll think about it all for a bit and move on.

For you op Flowers

JemimasJumper · 25/06/2019 14:57

If she had visited, going by the tone of your post, you would probably still post about her because you would complain she would only have come to a) make you look bad, b) take over everything or c) manipulate the situation. I'm not sure why you wanted her there. If I were that MIL I'd perhaps have to question every visit I made, knowing my DIL hated me.

Perhaps I should add... The 5 days passed quickly, everyone knew you were bitching, and that can hurt.