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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws not visiting dd in hospital

69 replies

mooseyem · 25/06/2019 13:38

AIBU to be blocking out my in-laws after NON of them visited us while DD (3yrs) was in hospital 5 nights? At one point DH's parents drove past the hospital to go on holiday 30mins away!
This was a month ago and I am so angry with them for not supporting my husband. I have taken alot of crap from MIL in the last 6 yrs and I am ready to pop. I don't want to though, I just want to be left alone but MIL keeps ringing to talk to me, not to see the kids but to manipulate the situation and turn it round on me. I'm asking for advice on what to say to her so she will leave me alone in the future. They can see our kids whenever they want, I will never stop that but I am choosing to take a step away from them for my mental health and my marriage. If anyone has any advice....

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 25/06/2019 14:58

They sound loathsome, I'd use this as the grounds to end all contact.

Asta19 · 25/06/2019 15:08

Sorry OP, I have to agree with some others. If they had visited, you probably would have been on here complaining about that too, as they would have likely done something to upset you. Sometimes I feel on here that ILs can do nothing right! They are always either overstepping or not doing enough. I often think a bit of patience and kindness both ways would make a huge difference.

Bluerussian · 25/06/2019 15:09

Re above post.
I meant "...don't sound UNreasonable...". I don't know what happened to the 'un' first time round.

Whoops75 · 25/06/2019 15:15

Look I get it. It’s death by a thousand cuts.

This ^

I don’t answer my phone anymore when my mil rings, she was a pest with ‘women’s work’ type calls.

Ignore calls and reply with texts saying you’re busy with the kids and she should ring dh.

elliejjtiny · 25/06/2019 15:24

Sounds like there is a massive back story here. I've had dc in hospital a lot and people have rarely visited. Tbh I find that children in hospital find visitors who aren't mum, dad or siblings quite overwhelming although as a parent with a toddler in hospital you are desperate for someone to come so you can go to the loo, have a shower or get some food.

IveNotSlept · 25/06/2019 15:30

I have a 3 year old too, I'd have found it more annoying in your position if my in laws were trying to visit, to be honest. My daughter had a scalding accident just after she turned 2, their constant hounding wanting updates for months was just annoying. If she'd have been kept in hospital, I'd have requested they didn't visit. I don't think a 3 year old needs a load of visitors in hospital anyway, unless they are in a prolonged amount of time there is no need to visit to show concern.

I guess in laws can't win anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2019 15:31

They will simply continue to choose your BIL and his family over you. Your H is the scapegoat in his family and this makes his family i.e. you people also scapegoated as well.

Why would you want such people to still see your children given they did not visit your DD in hospital?. If they are too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your children as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2019 15:34

And yes to this being in Relationships rather than AIBU.

Chartreuser · 25/06/2019 15:37

I've had DCs in hospital for at least that length of time, even a very new baby. No family visited and I didn't expect them to. The hospital also preferred immediate family only.

IMO visits at times like this area normally more to support the parents, and in this case it sounds like it would not be a support to you so them staying away is for the best.

Sorry that you are upset though, songs like there are other issues at play.

HappyDinosaur · 25/06/2019 15:37

Hmm tricky, if it were me I'd probably be worried about getting in the way so wouldn't visit whilst in hospital, unless for a few weeks or more.

Megs4x3 · 25/06/2019 15:39

People can be odd when it comes to hospitals. My parents never visited me when I gave birth, not once for any grandchild, and that was in the days when you stayed in for a minimum of 5 days. My BIL didn't visit my sister either. He dropped her off when she was in labour and picked her up when it was time to go home, because he 'didn't like hospitals'.

I'm not sure what you were expecting your inlaws to do, though I think that the main issue is that you DH feels abandoned, but that's something that HE needs to sort out with his parents.

Loveislandaddict · 25/06/2019 15:41

I presume the in-laws kept in regular contact during your dc’s hospital visit. If so, then YABU. Not everyone likes going to the hospital, plus perhaps they were giving you space. They didn’t want to intrude.

I hope your dc is all well again now.

I wonder if you worry during you’re hospital visit is manifesting itself as anger towards the in-laws.

Jux · 25/06/2019 15:50

Change your number and don't give her the new one.

Let your dh take the lead with his family.

feistymumma · 25/06/2019 15:58

So they actually wanted to visit which shows that they had the intention but were advised not to. In that respect YABU

BertrandRussell · 25/06/2019 15:59

“They will simply continue to choose your BIL and his family over you. Your H is the scapegoat in his family and this makes his family i.e. you people also scapegoated as well.”

Good that you’ve been DMing the OP and she’s been able to give you so much more information. It’s been difficult for anyone else to be helpful on what’s been posted.

mumtobe1984 · 25/06/2019 16:04

tell her to f* off, I did and I've been MIL/SIL free the past 4 years and its been pure bliss, hubby loves it too!

pictish · 25/06/2019 16:18

Good grief Atilla - you can’t possibly be so decisive on the dh’s family dynamics and advise stopping the children seeing their grandparents, based on so little!

OP I can’t say whether or not you have a problem...but I don’t think not visiting your dd in hospital necessarily indicates one. They wanted to visit but were put off by the possibility of a transfer. They didn’t find the time otherwise, perhaps because they were on holiday. You don’t say why your daughter was an in-patient...if it was something routine, perhaps expecting them to put aside a day of their holiday to spend visiting dd was unrealistic.

INeedAFlerken · 25/06/2019 16:26

I don't think this by itself is enough to take a step back.

Hospitals don't need lots of visitors carrying bugs and germs, especially if you weren't even sure you'd be staying there with your child. And when people are dealing with a child in the hospital, the last thing most want are to deal with other people, too, especially where there are issues.

I imagine the back story is the real problem you have with them ... but this alone doesn't sound that bad...

julensaor · 26/06/2019 00:00

I only wanted a little support or food for thought lol I think I will deal with this one alone and not open myself up to further scrutiny!

..... AND flounce

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