To ask what makes a good dad?

[Nuckyscarnation]

And also what makes someone a not so good dad? Especially when your children are babies/toddlers?

I don’t think my DH is a bad dad, but O often feel he’s a bit of a so so one. Looking for examples of how much other people’s partners help out. Who’s gets up with them in the morning? Looks after them so you can have time to yourself etc.?

Just bloody knackered at the minute and a bit pissed off. Not sure if I have grounds to be or if I need to give my head a wobble.

God, shocking grammar and spelling there. You can tell I don’t sleep much these days

Looking for examples of how much other people’s partners help out.

Well for a start I don’t consider my husband to be “helping out”. We’re equal parents and we both do our best, play to our strengths, try to be considerate of our weaknesses and remember we’re a team, no one is doing the other a favour in taking care of our children or each other.

If you’re exhausted then you might need to look at who does what and what feels fair. Babies are tiring but unless you’re both equally run ragged (and there are times when with the best will in the world you just are) he could probably be doing more. But don’t frame it as help.

My ex doesn’t see our 4 children through choice so that’s what makes a bad dad.

My Dad worked full time when I was a child and my Mum stayed at home with us (five of us, I'm the oldest). My Dad used to bath us when we were little and he played with us at weekends and we would go for walks and bike rides with him. He used to take us older ones swimming on Sunday mornings.

I used to love it round Christmas time and in the holidays when he was off work and he was at home.

He was always teasing us too. - he still does.

Me and DH took it in turns getting up with DD at the weekends when she was a baby. I go out to running club a couple of evenings a week now and we take it in turns doing bath and bedtime. She's 7 now.

The same things that make a good mum.

@AnneLovesGilbert Helping was probably a poor choice of words. I do struggle with the mindset that I have to do everything though.
I’m currently a STAHM too which doesn’t help.

@BigredLondonBus I’m so sorry. I just can’t understand how anyone can abandon their children like that

DH is an excellent father. We are a team. He does his fair share of the hard and boring bits of parenting and housework and takes an equal amount of responsibility for ‘life admin’ stuff. We’ve got each other’s backs. As a result we both enjoy the fun bits equally. But we play to each other’s strengths, eg, I have no patience with homework but love art and craft activities, which he hates. I am better at cleaning but hate cooking, he loves cooking and is good at ironing. It all works out.

What would help OP? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you on maternity or have you both decided you’ll stay home?

The same thing that makes a good mum, which I'd say is mainly selflessness-always putting your DC's needs before your own and giving them as much time as you possibly can.

Don’t hold men to a lower standard than women. What makes a good dad is exactly the same as what makes a good mum.

@AnnelovesGilbert I don’t get enough sleep. We have twins. They are ebf and still waking at night. They’re also up for the day at 5am/5.30am.

I’m not working atm. We relocated just before babies were born. I need to go back part time but haven’t worked out child care arrangements etc. yet.

DH works a mixture of nights or 12 hour day shifts, so he’s either at work all day or in bed all day after a night shift. It would help if I didn’t have to get up EVERY morning with babies, even when he’s off. We all co sleep but he’ll never wake up properly for ages on a morning. I always end up changing nappies, taking them downstairs because he’ll just do it all to his own schedule, not the babies and I get so frustrated. In fact I’m generally just frustrated these days.

He’s off today and is sitting downstairs on the couch, which is his default position in life. I’ve been settling babies to nap for ages while he just chills out downstairs. I get so resentful and always end up exploding. It’s not good for the babies but I don’t know how to change things.

See I know theoretically parents parenting should be equal, but is that honestly the reality? It definitely isn’t for me

Exactly what makes a good mum, yes.

Making sure the children are fed, clothed, clean, rested, healthy and educated without considering it someone else's responsibility.
Making sure they spend time talking and playing with the children, and helping them with their problems, taking an interest in their lives and interests, without considering it someone else's responsibility.
Making sure the children attend appointments and have social interactions with their peers and family, without considering it someone else's responsibility.

DH is fabulous dad. Does his equal share of all parenting ....nights, early mornings, toileting, nursery drop off etc. The good bits and the crap bits. They've got a great relationship which includes lots of fun and laughter.
We've always approached parenting as a team. If one of us needs a break they get it and vice versa.

well, he sounds like a shit dad, and you need to tell him this, clearly. He doesn't get to operate to his own schedule any more.

I hate this phrase, but I'd nip this in the bud now, otherwise I can guarantee you'll be back on MN before long.

My DH is a fab dad.

• When they were younger, DH did the nighttime issues and the early morning because he knows I don't operate well on too little sleep , whereas he naturally needs less than I do.
• He curtailed his 'hobby' as weekends away weren't compatible with family life.
• We alternated bedtime duties.
• He does his fair share of taxi duties
• I've done most of the 'education', but he does take an interest and support me. And he I in charge of teaching to drive.
• We are a team.

No, your DH doesn’t sound as though he is being a ‘good dad’.

I think one of the most important factors, is that a man needs to want to have children just as much as the woman does. I haven’t any ‘proof’ but all too often you hear about the ‘biological’ clock for women, or women desperate to have a baby but I often wonder if the men involved really, really wanted to have children?

In my case my DH was much, much keener to have a child than I was, in fact I never wanted children and made it absolutely clear before we got married, however (after 12 years ) I did change my mind and we had one child (I would never have had more than one). My DH was delighted and has been a thoroughly involved dad for 18 years, even going self employed so that he was more in control of his work/life balance (I appreciate that not everyone can do that). I also had a good idea that he would be a ‘good dad’ as he had volunteered with Scouting for many years and clearly enjoyed being with younger people and taking responsibility.

I don’t think there’s anything, apart from breast feeding, that my DH hasn’t/won’t do... and he made sure I got loads of time to myself whenI was a SAHM to ensure I was able to follow my own hobbies and interests.

It’s easy to say this with hindsight but I honestly think far too many people (men and women) rush into having a child just because it is ‘the thing to do’ rather than giving really careful thought to the life changes that will follow, it’s not just a few years with a cuddly baby or toddler.

Of course, even harder if you’ve got twins .

@CassianAndor how do I nip it in the bud though? Serious question. We’ve talked and talked, but nothing ever changes for any sustained length of time. It’s like he just doesn’t ‘get’ parenting and what it entails.

Agree with the "helping out" comment by a PP, a good dad doesn't "help out" he acts like a parent, just like the mother. He doesn't need to be told what to do or how to do it and he doesn't need to be asked to "babysit" when our kids were young, neither made plans alone without checking that it was ok with the other person first. I read alot on here about men just doing what they want, when they want without checking that their child was going to be looked after whereas the mother had to book miles in advance and then be grateful that daddy babysit.........NO

@Ragwort when we argue he’ll say it was me that wanted the babies. They are IVF twins.

Yet he was on board with the whole process and very supportive while we went through infertility hell.

What does time to peruse your own interests look like? I’ve got a horse I’ve ridden twice since babies were born and they'll be one in August

What do you think makes a good mum?

@AyraStarkWolf DH runs EVERYTHING past me, and I mean everything. I have to direct every aspect of childcare.

When he comes in from night shift I will have to remind him that he needs to watch them while I get a shower before he goes to bed. Every.single.time.

@Biancadelrioisback but this is my point. I KNOW what makes a good mum. Sheer bloody selflessness and putting our children first 110% of the time. I just don’t know if men (or mine at least) are capable of the same?

DH never has twins on his own. He can’t manage them, or at least he couldn’t when they were little. Now my mindset doesn’t even factor in him looking after them alone.

when we argue he’ll say it was me that wanted the babies

when someone tells you the truth, listen.

That is the truth. he simply doesn't see any of this as something for him to do.

I think I'd struggle to be with someone who thought like this, tbh.

Nip it in the bud - either he's on board or he's out. You've had to learn on the job what being a parent entails, why does he need it all spelling out.

Book him on to a parenting course. It's not your job to be his teacher.