To ask what makes a good dad?

[Nuckyscarnation]

And also what makes someone a not so good dad? Especially when your children are babies/toddlers?

I don’t think my DH is a bad dad, but O often feel he’s a bit of a so so one. Looking for examples of how much other people’s partners help out. Who’s gets up with them in the morning? Looks after them so you can have time to yourself etc.?

Just bloody knackered at the minute and a bit pissed off. Not sure if I have grounds to be or if I need to give my head a wobble.

But presumably you've had days where you babies cried a lot too - I know I did. If he is struggling then he needs more practice, he doesn't get to opt out!

Honestly, he sounds like a shit dad and partner.

I bet he doesn't lift a finger around the house at all, either.

Of course men are capable of the same. My husband is a better mum than I am.

Dont stand for this shit OP. Tell him what needs doing and if he doesnt know how tell him to work it out like you did.

Can't believe after all that iVf he's now claiming its only YOU that wanted them. What a dick.

He sounds dismal. I was born in the 1960s. My dad worked and my mum stayed home. They took it every second night to walk the floor with me when I had colic. My dad made our breakfast every morning and brought my mum a cup of tea in bed. He took us and our friends to the park every Saturday morning while mum had a lie-in. He was a brilliant dad and an even better grandad. He enjoyed it as much as mum did and did the crap bit alongside her too.

I'm not sure how I would get over the comment about only you wanting them. Can't believe he has never been alone with them. I left my breastfed 3 month old with my 16 year old BIL for 2 hours many years ago. he was absolutely able to cope. Your dh is choosing not to participate.

A good dad IMO is :
Someone who puts his children's needs and wants before his own
Someone that keeps his word to his children.
One that is actively involved and doesn't need a thank you or pat on the back for doing standard things such as a night feed, changing a nappy, put a load of washing on etc.
One who knows what his childs favourite toy, food, colour, TV programme best friend at nursery etc is.
One that treats the mother of his children with respect and affection and the kids see it.
One who has clear and fair boundaries and doesn't undermine the other parent. If he disagrees, they talk in private about it and not in front if the kids.
The dad who takes time out to watch his kids at ballet, football whatever, and helps the kids get ready with it, whether its plating hair, cleaning boots or acting as a prop while the kids rehearse at home.
Is actively involved with them as they become teenagers and pay an interest in their views, politics and encourage debate and discussion even if they disagree with their child's political views.
Still spend time with them as teenagers to do fun stuff such as mountain biking,cinema, wild camping, fishing, motor biking or whatever the hobbies are.
Do housework with the kids without prompts and tellis the kids what needs to be done This shows that dad isnt around just for fun stuff and mum is a ' nag'
Be attuned to when a child is going through emotional upset or anxiety and will tactfully talk about feelings and listen.
Be there for the sad times but also proud of their achievements
The dad that turns out in the middle of the night and sits at his sons bedside in a hospital for days upon end just to be there, ust in case he wakes up at anytime.

In other words a good dad is just someone who is a thoroughly decent human being imo.

Your Dp is not a good dad.

A 'good' dad for me as an adult, is someone that just gets on and parents and doesn't have to be asked. As someone else said, it shouldn't be 'helping out' they decided to parent so they need to get on and parent. I have to ask more than I'd like but my OH happily does everything he can for the kids and doesn't complain or expect me to be the one doing it.

From a child's perspective they need to emotionally available, be able to empathise, admit they are wrong, say sorry and show loads and loads of love.

To be honest the same things that make a good mum but I know plenty of dads leave it all to Mum 🙄

I have a 2 yr old. My dh is a brilliant dad. Since she was born he's always done his share. He did night feeds when he wasn't working, changed nappies, fed baby, changed her, played with her, gave her baths and lots of cuddles.

She really is a daddy's girl! Now she's older they play a lot together and always having a carry on. They cuddle up on the sofa watching telly, he does bath time and we take turns at bedtime which includes a couple of story books. All the practical, boring stuff too.

She's a great sleeper but even if she sleeps till 8/9am one of us gets up and leaves the other for some extra time in bed. We take a day each on the wkend. He also takes a turn at going to her in the night if she wakes up.

It will only get worse if he does not start to take some proper responsibility. U shld be able to walk out the door for the whole day and not worry about him having them both.

I come down with the baby many times to find that oh has sterilised and built all the bottles and built a stack of (reusable) nappies for me to use that day, never have to ask. He's a good 'un.

built a stack of (reusable) nappies

I'm just imagining him doing this armed with a set square and spirit level and standing back to admire a job well done .

One that (more or less) puts in equal hours/effort to you. I count my oh job but of course while he is working so am i, just looking after the baby.

I do think it is important for Dads to take sole responsibility for their child regularly so that they appreciate that, while it isnt HARD exactly it does take effort and focus and i would say equivalent to say and office job in terms of focus required, more in many cases.

My oh looked after our (mellow) son for a few hours when he was about 4 months old. He said afterwards...you can't do very much when you are with him can you?...no no you can't

Sorry just seen all your updates. That is really shit that he throws the babies back in your face. Sorry OP that's just mean.

I think you are going to have to accept that he is a shit parent and that it will be left to you to do everything. Expecting him to change seems unlikely.

My husband is in the forces so works away. But when he is home he does a lot, all the washing ironing, house work, anything to do with the kids. Its all completely split 50/50 when he's home.
He takes the kids out, swimming, spends time with them at home, gets up in the night, tries to get back as much as his job permits. He doesn't need me to 'guide' him with what to do. Either around the house or with the kids. Like meals, or packing a nappy bag before leaving the house etc.

He is a very good dad and husband. Of course we have our ups and downs but I would class that as being a good Dad.

My Dad, is a lovely man, but quite frankly a little bit useless.

They split when I was around 5, I saw him on average 1 day a week since. Only took us places on those days with the very rare exceptions of longer periods of time. I found out as an adult he didn't pay for us either. So although we enjoyed his company when we were together (and still do now), he wasn't hands on with anything.

He makes the same little effort with our kids now I feel it's always me doing the running to try and ensure they have any kind of relationship.

So I'd say that isn't such a great dad.

Dp does the school run night wakings I get a lie on both weekend days as well since I need lots of sleep and he doesn't. He was a bit more useless when the first was a small baby but she was very clingy to me when a baby, he still did what he could though and was very hands on when DS was a baby. Must be bloody hard work with twins, seems common for men to shirk their responsibilities I chose someone very family orientated who really wanted kids though which might make a difference. DP also cooks most meals and does a significant amount of housework I honestly wouldn't put up with anything else, if he was simply adding to the load and refusing to pull his weight I'd tell him to get lost.

I was very conscious that if anything happened to me my DH would be completely able to bring up our child on his own. How would your DH cope if the worse happened?

Was he completely shocked by having twins rather than one baby? Had you discussed the possibility before the IVF treatment? (Not that it excuses his behaviour). What was he like regarding housework, cooking, running the home etc before you had children ? (please don’t tell us he was useless...........)

@NaviSprite He has offered to look after twins while I go out. He says that they are older now and don’t cry as much/breastfeed as much so he feels more confident. We haven’t got around to sorting it yet, but I’ll definitely do it soon. It was definitely a shock when they were smaller now incapable he was of being left with them. Is started off leaving him with them to go out but it became quickly obvious it wasn’t working.

@lewij I don’t know what I’m going to do sometimes. I honestly think we’ll end up divorced if it carries on like this and we’ve only been married for two years.

I speak to him and it improves a bit but then things slide again. It’s exhausting. He says I do everything too quickly and don’t give him a chance. Perhaps I do, but you can’t do things in your own time when you have babies

@Ragwort he knew there was a chance we’d have multiples. He only wanted one baby full stop really, but he does love the babies.

He’s never been the best with housework, but he used to do more when we had a flat. He does less now we have a house. He washes up, puts bins out, but that’s about it. I have to get a cleaner in every fortnight to help me stay on top of things and we really can’t afford one. I sell stuff on eBay and pay for it with that!

You're selling your possesions to fund a cleaner you don't need because he won't do any housework?

He's really not bringing anything to the party, is he?

My DW and I are pretty much 50/50 on all kids stuff and all household stuff,
Work permitting. We both travel a bit for work so when away the ‘hone’ parent runs everything.

@CassianAndor not just the cleaner. I buy stuff for myself and babies with it too. It’s not really my possessions, it’s mostly baby clothes/stuff they’ve outgrown.

I see your point though...

It sounds like the problem is that you are the "expert" in the twins and so everything defaults to you. The best way to sort this is to make your DH have time with his DC without you around to judge / criticise / solve the problems. My DH only got into the swing of fatherhood when he did three months shared parental leave when I went back to work when DS1 was 9 months old. That built his confidence up and now we are equally competent parents at everything.

But I can understand that having twins may be a bit full on for your DH. Why don't you start by splitting up bit, for a few hours here or there? You take Twin 1 to the shops, he takes Twin 2 to the playground. Next time, the other way around. Friends of mine with older twins tell me that this is supposed to be really important for twins too, that they build independent relationships with each parent and aren't always together. Maybe present it to your DH that you need to start doing this for the twins' good (and not as a sneaky plot to force him to step up)?

Nucky don't despair my DP is a much more natural dad now the kids are older I do think many men arnt good with babies he may come into his own when he can interact with them. First baby nearly destroyed us nevermind twins but we got through it. I hope your H pulls himself together.

Bring there for the small stuff, reading stories at bedtime, bath time, play-fights lots of cuddles but also having the interesting conversations, challenging them to think, and more long term being involved in parents evenings, providing a good home and teaching life skills.