When my twins were very small my DH was not a very involved Dad and he admits this now, that he knew he didn’t do enough. He wasn’t a bad Dad, but the twins were in NICU for the first four months of their lives and when they came home DS was already attached to me the most and DD was on oxygen and a terrible feeder. It could take upwards of 40 minutes just to get her to drink 10-15mls and it was so hard because she was so upset all the time. It terrified him and he was more than overwhelmed. I didn’t admit out loud that it was overwhelming for me too, I adopted the approach of ‘just get on with it’ and he thought that the difference in our attitudes made him an awful parent and so he retreated thinking it was best... it wasn’t!
When we managed to move from a tiny box of a flat to our new house I sat down with him and told him that he was NOT a bad Dad, but I needed him to do more. Now he’s amazing. He just needed his confidence boosting and for me to admit that I don’t find everything easy, that it really is a case of trial and error with them.
He now makes sure that whenever he’s not at work we tag team all the duties and fun parts of looking after the twins who are now toddlers. At first he needed guidance on what I needed him to do, so I gave him particular jobs - now we work in tandem without much effort which is lovely.
A good Dad IMO is one who loves his child/children, who may not get it right straight away but is willing to learn and improve (just like we Mummy’s do) and who will listen to the Mum when she says she needs more ‘help’ (I know DH is not just help as he’s their Dad but it’s the best word I could come up with!).
I’ve found from personal experience that Mums can’t help but feel a little resentful towards their partners in the first year of DC’s lives - we’re sleep deprived, stressed and feel like we never get a chance to just stop being ‘switched on’ for 5 minutes. If your DH is a good man and you can have an open conversation with him, think of what he can do to give you the support you need.
For me it was the following:
If DH woke up first to baby (babies in my case) crying for feeds then rather than wake me up to sort it, he needs to get his arse out of bed and get stuck in (especially at weekends!)
Two evenings during the week DH needed to take the helm completely with DC for an hour or two and let me get a bit of headspace. Even if all I did is have a nice bath and come back and join in, DH was to take care of immediate needs and tell me when I was needed to assist.
Saturday he gets a lie in (no later than 10am) and Sunday I get a lie in. Doesn’t mean we always take them, but that’s the deal.
If in doubt - ask. I don’t have all the answers, neither does DH, but one asking the other doesn’t make one the inferior parent. It’s about working as a team to make sure our Twins are as well cared for as we can offer.
Keep an eye out for jobs that need doing. Rather than adding a plate to a small pile of washing by the sink. Wash the pots. If laundry is piling up, stick a load in etc.
Just those little bits and pieces lifted a load off of my shoulders.
My DH was terrified of getting things wrong, wanted guidance and sad to say; praise for getting it right in the early days. So I did that (even though it did irritate me somewhat to congratulate him for doing something I’d done 100 times already 😂).