Dp and my drinking

[Honeybee27]

I want to start by saying I am in no way blaming my dp for my drinking. I am an adult and in charge of my own actions.

But I've noticed that my drinking has increased more since being in a relationship with him. He's the type of guy who likes a few drinks on an evening to relax at home and over time I've followed suit. This is rarely a problem as we both wind down together, chat and rarely argue. But probably not great for our health.

But I've found that when we go out together I tend to get messy drunk (see previous posts) and this is because I lose track of what I drink mainly because dp (and sometimes others) buy me drinks. Last weekend was a prime example of this. We went out with a group of friends and I said to dp before we left that I didn't want a heavy night. But he kept buying drinks and wouldn't leave when I wanted to. I ended up in a state, making a tit of myself and then arguing with dp. The next day it's me apologising and feeling horrendous.

I guess what I'm saying is aibu to expect him to help me out a bit rather than giving me more drink when I've clearly had enough? How do I approach it with him without making it sound like I'm passing blame onto him? I feel like everyone looks at him thinking poor guy having to deal with her. And then that gets me down for days sometimes weeks afterwards.

I think yabu. You and only you should control your drinking. If he did, he would be being called controlling.

I think you’re a grown adult and you need to stop accepting drinks. I know it’s hard - I’m like you, I accept them if they’re being bought for me but would be much more sedate on my own money! I get terrible hangovers and beer fear so for my own wellbeing I have to stop or just make sure I intersperse with soft drinks.

Ideally he’d ask you and stop buying when you say. Clearly he doesn’t want to, so just let him waste his money and buy yourself a lemonade.

If you’re an adult and in charge of your own actions then your drinking has nothing to do with him. Make your own decisions and don’t get so drunk that others buy you drink and you’re not coherent enough to decide not to neck it.

@Desmondo2016 I realise that but I do try to control it by saying no to drinks or asking to leave. Yes nobody is pouring alcohol down my throat forcefully but sometimes when I've had a few I do lose track of what I've had and then before I know it my behaviour is out of control. I'm really not trying to blame anyone but I'm looking for ways to improve this situation without having to totally quit altogether. For now I've told my dp I don't want to go 'out out' for the foreseeable as these are the times when things seem to spiral.

@Wolfiefan Obviously this is the ideal lol. I just clearly make stupid decisions after I've gone past a certain point.

You're blaming him rather than owning your choices. You have the capacity to say no. You have the ability to leave a pub/club part way through the night and take yourself home when you feel you've had enough. Practise that. And maybe have three or four nights a week where you don't drink. Let him drink; that's his choice. But you don't need to also do it.

Stop drinking. There’s no “try” to control it. Don’t have “a few” and then you won’t lose track. If you have to describe your drinking habits as a “spiral” then it’s time to quit.

@FudgeBrownie2019 I'm really not trying to blame him. That was literally my very first point lol. But I see what you're saying, I need to take charge of my own actions regardless of what he is doing. Sometimes it just gets past the point where I'm able to coherently do so.

This is your problem not his. Have a limit and stick to it. If he gets you another drink simply say "I already told you no" and give it away/pour it away. He won't like that and he'll start doing what you ask. You need to deal with your drinking problem, seek help now because this is an issue that you are massively downplaying, you regularly drink too much and make a tit of yourself, that's not normal.

YABU. Make your drink last longer, then say “no thanks, I haven’t finished this one”. Or just put it down and leave it somewhere. People will soon stop buying you drinks if they see you’re not drinking them.

Ultimately it comes down to you taking responsibility for your own drinking. It’s not easy when others are facilitating you but you have to learn to say no.

@HiJenny35 I think you're probably right. After the weekend I am taking steps to reduce my drinking. I'm not going to drink during the week and I'm avoiding going out for a while in social situations where drinking is likely to be prevalent.

I don't really want to go completely tea total as a few drinks at home at the weekend is something we both enjoy but I realise I need to cut down. And completely stop getting obliterated on nights out.

Honestly if you can’t go out to social occasions where others are drinking and not get completely wasted then you need to seek help for your problems with alcohol and stop drinking at all.

I see where you're coming from because for eg. 5 drinks in your judgement goes and if another is handed to you you're not going to say no (if you're anything like me)!

I'm all or nothing so would have to kerb going out.

Just because the drink it bought and in front of you doesn’t mean you must consume it. If the table was set out with lines of cocaine would you snort them?
This is your problem, no one else’s

Easier said than done though when you're drunk and caught up in the situation having a good time, very easy to say fuck it. Then the next morning the beer fear hits and you feel awful. My mum is the worst for this.

Ask for soft drinks instead.

Looks like you're trying to think it through to do your best, and unlike many others, I do think it's reasonable to ask your husband to help you, especially if he won't go home when you want to. Of course you need to try to stick to limits, intersperse soft drinks and stop at a particular point, but who wants to sit for many extra hours with a soft drink and a bunch of drunks?!
Maybe you can start to have more outings which are less about drinking - meal, cinema then home for example. Would your partner do that? If not, looks like he has a bad relationship with alcohol too.

Sometimes it just gets past the point where I'm able to coherently do so.

Then if this is true you need to be away from him and away from drink.

No judgement here because we all get fucked up sometimes. But if you're truly unable to be in charge of yourself after a few drinks, I think you need a break from drinking so that you can sort your head out and not need to get drunk to that point.

If people buy you drinks say no thank you and give them back or put them down and leave them and go to the bar and buy yourself a non alcoholic drink. Your an adult so can leave and go home when you want.

Would it be easier to change your drink? I drink spirits which are easy to knock back and lose track of with doubles etc but if I was drinking lager it would take me all evening to drink a couple of pints.

100% needs to be you who makes the change. Stop drinking what he buys you before you get to the point where you're no longer coherent. He'll soon stop buying drinks that you just leave.

Do you know how many drinks you can have before you start losing track etc...?
Could you have a system where you ‘record’ the number if drinks and the stop when you have reached that level? (That assumes you are still with it enough to be able to make rational ish decisions iyswim)
So let’s say 4 drinks and then you go non alcoholic?

The idea of stopping drinking during the week is a good one too!

Btw I do think that it’s ok to tell your DH that you dint want him to insist when you are saying NO to more alcohol.
He shouldn’t be pushing you to drink either.

maybe decide for the first couple of hours when you go out you will drink something non alcoholic, or alternate alcoholic with non alcoholic- it helps if you make sure you buy a round and not let others buy all the drinks, by time you progress onto alcohol you have time for a few drinks but you pace yourself better, that works better I think than moving to soft drinks later when self resolve is low due to alcohol.

what do you normally drink? give this some thought as drinking spirits early will hit harder, you can get a lot of low alcohol alternatives, drink well diluted drinks too so they last longer, don't try to keep pace with other people.

Do you mean he just automatically buys you a large wine, say, without asking if you want one first? And then you end up drinking it? Then maybe he can bear some of the responsibility if you've said before you go out you dont want to drink wine

But it's still 90pc on you. If he continually buys you drinks say every other drink you'll have a soft drink. And change what you drink. So if you normally have a double vodka with a splash of coke, have a single with a long coke. If you normally have a large white wine, have a small white wine spritzer. Avoid shots. If you have a soft drink in between each one as well this should help