Dp and my drinking

[Honeybee27]

I want to start by saying I am in no way blaming my dp for my drinking. I am an adult and in charge of my own actions.

But I've noticed that my drinking has increased more since being in a relationship with him. He's the type of guy who likes a few drinks on an evening to relax at home and over time I've followed suit. This is rarely a problem as we both wind down together, chat and rarely argue. But probably not great for our health.

But I've found that when we go out together I tend to get messy drunk (see previous posts) and this is because I lose track of what I drink mainly because dp (and sometimes others) buy me drinks. Last weekend was a prime example of this. We went out with a group of friends and I said to dp before we left that I didn't want a heavy night. But he kept buying drinks and wouldn't leave when I wanted to. I ended up in a state, making a tit of myself and then arguing with dp. The next day it's me apologising and feeling horrendous.

I guess what I'm saying is aibu to expect him to help me out a bit rather than giving me more drink when I've clearly had enough? How do I approach it with him without making it sound like I'm passing blame onto him? I feel like everyone looks at him thinking poor guy having to deal with her. And then that gets me down for days sometimes weeks afterwards.

I can neck a lot of wine before I feel the effects if you get what I mean?

Then space them out. Have a wine, then have a couple of large soft drinks, then have a wine once you know you aren't tipsy. Stick to small measures of wine rather than large, don't buy a bottle or allow your glass to be topped up. If he replaces your wine then leave it, get your soft drinks, and only have the wine if you've finished the soft drinks and left a decent chunk of time after the last wine.

Wine is strong and easy to drink in volume. It's easy enough to get through a bottle and not realise how much it has affected you until it's too late. Time is absolutely key in seeing how you've been affected.

What Mashed said.

I know the cliché goes that there's nothing more annoying than a reformed drinker. But honestly, you sound just like me a few years ago. "I'll cut down; I'll alternate drinks; it's not every time we go out; everybody has nights out where they can't remember the end; it's only when I drink wine; not my fault I get drunk more easily than everyone else"...etc etc.

If it's got to this stage, you need to stop, take stock, and reassess. And if you find excuses not to stop altogether for just a month, you need to accept that you have a problem.

Alcohol dependency doesn't just mean people drinking White Lightning at 7am.

I had this when I got together with DP. His family were very hospitable and I was constantly being bought/poured drinks I didn’t want. I became very adept at hiding them in obscure corners of the pub or if at someone’s house, tipping them away when I went to the loo.

Sadly as the years went by I became used to drinking at their pace and ended up drinking much too much every night. It started because I was mixing with heavy drinkers but I can’t blame them for my developing bad habits.

Over the last year I have cut right back and now only drink at weekends and the very occasional weeknight out. It’s hard and I have had to turn down a lot of invitations but hopefully it will get easier as I get used to it. I would love to be the sort of person who can handle a noisy, sociable night out or party without alcohol but at the moment I know that’s not who I am and I am trying to mange my life accordingly.

If I had to stop for a month I could do without any issues. I have only continued because I find it enjoyable and I guess alcohol plays a big part in our lifestyle and the things we do - meals out with friends, had lots of weddings lately, football in the pub and so on. But change that and I'll change my habits.

I honestly don't think drinking in moderation at home is my issue. It's the volume and lack of control I have when out in certain situations.

Sometimes it just gets past the point where I'm able to coherently do so.

Well you’re aware of the risk so you need to make sure you don’t reach this point in the first place. Just stop pouring it down your neck!

I suggest you stop drinking altogether or get rid of him. He sounds awful anyway, refusing to buy you non alcoholic drinks and refusing to leave when you want to. Controlling much.

I don't think I ever said he refuses to buy me non alcoholic drinks lol. And someone else said if he was telling me NOT to drink it would be controlling so guess there's two ways of looking at it.
Thank you for the helpful suggestions and advice

You are alcohol dependent and this conversation is completely pointless. Nothing will change until you are ready to accept reality. Hopefully that'll be sooner rather than later because you're wasting your life in your co-dependent alcohol based relationship.

@FlyingElbows I have very carefully tried to outline my circumstances, relationship and feelings. I have held my hands up and admitted where I've gone wrong and how I propose to go forward and change. You have ignored all of that and just gone full throttle for the alcohol dependent jibe while trying to demoralise me and my relationship. So yes any conversation with you clearly is pointless.

I have, however, had some really frank and useful advice from other posters who have actually read my posts and are more interested in offering helpful advice rather than being a superior troll.

OP - on other threads you've described yourself as a "drunk idiot" and admitted you'd like to give up the booze. Even on this thread you admit you have a "lack of control" when you're out. I think the fact you're being so defensive only goes to illustrate that you have a real problem here.

I'm sorry this thread didn't go the way you wanted. You probably wanted us to tell you that your boozing is your DH's fault. But you know that's not the truth. You claim you could stop for a month with no issues - so do it. Maybe you'll get a new perspective. I know I did, when I was in a very similar position.

You need to stop drinking.

If you are incapable of recognising when you have had enough - and then stopping, then you shouldn't start.

You are starting to sound defensive. The volume at least is a problem as you are drinking at home as well as drinking too much and acting the ‘idiot’ on nights out.

I used to have a partner that did this, kept on buying me drinks even when I said no and like an idiot I drank them. What changed for me was my mindset; if I reckoned 4 drinks was my limit, I stopped at 3 and asked for soda water and lime. If he bought me more alcohol, I set it aside. If his mates bought me more alcohol I set it aside. Eventually my ex realised the amount of money he was wasting and actually started asking me if I wanted another drink. Still, he was an utter arse that couldn't control his drinking so that was the end of that.

Good luck, OP.

I'm really not trying to be defensive and I've said all along my dp is not to blame. I understand I have a problem with booze in the sense that I cause problems for myself when I drink heavily due to my lack of control. For that reason I want to stop and genuinely believe I would have no issue stopping for a month.

But if someone classed my relationship as 'co dependent' and 'alcohol based' even after all the other points I've made I just feel that's unnecessary and unhelpful. I came on here for frank advice but don't need dragging down any further than I already am or people bringing my relationship as a whole into it.

I don't believe I am dependent on alcohol but I do have a problem with the person I become in certain situations - a drunken idiot.

As for long term, I don't especially want to go tea total in the sense that I enjoy sensible and moderate drinking with my dp at home. But I do want to totally cut out this crazy binge drinking for good.

I guess I'm trying to be honest not defensive. It's about getting things under control and bringing it back to a sensible level. If they mean stopping altogether for a month in order to get some perspective I can do that and go from there.

I think that’s probably a good idea.

My husband had the same issue. He would go out with his mates telling them all he would only have a couple of drinks them come home blind drunk then complain about them afterwards. I'm not a big drinker so he rarely got drunk when out with just me.
This came to a head when he did something very stupid whilst drunk (on a night he had planned to only have 2, on the night before one of our IVF treatments).
After this he knew he had to make a decision to change. He then told everyone he had limited himself to one alcoholic drink a week - all his friends laughed at him but he stood firm and when the extra drinks they bought for him didn't get drunk they stopped and started buying him soft drinks.
He did this for a year (not saying you should go this long) to prove a point that he could go out and not be dragged along with everyone else - he even managed to get through a stag night.
He now makes sure to have a soft drink in between every alcoholic drink and many of his friends are now doing the same. No one says anything now when someone stops drinking. It was a bit of a challenge to start with as it's challenging that drinking culture.
I would set yourself a clear limit and if they buy you extra just point out that it's their money they are wasting - they will soon stop. X x

I think its strange that DP wont buy you a non alcoholic drink... why not? If he cant do something as simple as that when you ask him, you do have a DP problem (alongside your own self control issues). Have you had a stone cold sober conversation with him about this?

If he will buy you non alcoholic drinks, then just tell him that is all you want him to buy you all night and anyone getting a round in, ask for non alcoholic. Then only buy yourself a wine and it will slow it all down

Another option is to switch to drinking a beer you dont really care for when you are on a night out as it stops the sip chat sip chat sip chat. You end up sip ick chat chat chat chat sip yes that is still icky chat chat chat chat

^^
This. You got to stop your behaviour or modify it somehow.

I sympathise. I had a relationship like this but it was one of the points that highlighted my partner and I were not compatible in the long run. At some level, one partner encourages the other one to minimise their own behaviour.

I think you both need to agree who you want to be and adjust your behaviours to it. If you decide you want to be in control, as you socialise as a couple, you both need to take on a share of changing patterns: where you hang out, who with, doing what, etc.

At no point has dp ever refused to get me a soft drink or insist I drink more alcohol. He just tends to keep getting them in even when it becomes clear I've had enough or even when I've previously stated I don't want a heavy night.

I am going to try and stop altogether for a month and after that I will certainly adopt some of the suggested techniques of managing what I drink while out. Soft drinks in between and clear limits and just saying no will help. Also going to limit what I drink at home just for health reasons.