Dp and my drinking

[Honeybee27]

I want to start by saying I am in no way blaming my dp for my drinking. I am an adult and in charge of my own actions.

But I've noticed that my drinking has increased more since being in a relationship with him. He's the type of guy who likes a few drinks on an evening to relax at home and over time I've followed suit. This is rarely a problem as we both wind down together, chat and rarely argue. But probably not great for our health.

But I've found that when we go out together I tend to get messy drunk (see previous posts) and this is because I lose track of what I drink mainly because dp (and sometimes others) buy me drinks. Last weekend was a prime example of this. We went out with a group of friends and I said to dp before we left that I didn't want a heavy night. But he kept buying drinks and wouldn't leave when I wanted to. I ended up in a state, making a tit of myself and then arguing with dp. The next day it's me apologising and feeling horrendous.

I guess what I'm saying is aibu to expect him to help me out a bit rather than giving me more drink when I've clearly had enough? How do I approach it with him without making it sound like I'm passing blame onto him? I feel like everyone looks at him thinking poor guy having to deal with her. And then that gets me down for days sometimes weeks afterwards.

@Honeybee27 I can see how it is easier to over drink when in company of another heavy drinker.

I have a couple of friends that I have always known if I go out with them it is likely to get messy .... especially if I try to keep
Up.

Older and perhaps wiser ... I have learnt to drink at my own pace ... I will
Still end up a little worse for wear but often not as bad as it could have been.

Drink pints of water in between... and when I want to go home I go... offer to share a taxi and if they don’t want to leave I l
Let them stay behind ( provided they have another friend there which is often the case )

Drinking is often habitual and cutting out mid week drinking is a great idea ... but if you go out and drink either partner just pre warn him that you need to
Drink a little slower .... if he buys you a drink regardless don’t drink it ... or drink it in an hours time when you have finished your previous one.

He will get the idea eventually ... explain you can’t drink the quantity he can when out your tolerance isn’t so high ... he should respect it.

In my Earlier 20’s I was engaged to a heavy drinker ... ( he slept around which broke us up not the drinking ) I would often have to half carry him home with one of his friends I was never that bad as I didn’t try to
Keep to his pace or would go
Home early and leave him to it with his mates if I didn’t fancy the hang over x x

When you go out, identify what your limit is after which you lose your reason - ie. what number of drinks is it where you lose your self control to say no to another one? If it's three, then make sure that after three drinks you only have soft drinks, and watch out for doubles etc. That's what I did when I wanted to stop getting messy drunk, and actually enjoy the night. You'll find after a while you'll be more able to spot that point where you tip over into having too much, and naturally stop yourself.

You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. If you don’t want to drink the drinks then don’t.

I agree with all the pps about this being your issue and needing to own it. However, and this may not make nice hearing - it may be that this relationship is unhealthy for you if mutual alcohol consumption plays such a big part in it and you like drinking this amount. It happened to me in my last relationship, made me ill, and it turned out to be one of the foundation stones of our relationship, so when I cut down or went home when I'd had enough, he felt I was stopping something we shared. I'm concerned about your ongoing health as well with this intake. Hugs from me - easy to end up in this place.

If he insists on buying you drinks, just don't drink them and get your own soft drinks instead. He'll soon get fed up of wasting his money.

YABU - No-one is in charge of your drinking except you. I know it is hard to refuse drinks that are bought for you but that is what pot plants are for. If you try to decline and the other party pushes the issue you gratefully accept but you don't drink the drink - you pour it in a pot plant, leave it on a table, take it to the loo and "accidentally" flush it away. They are happy that you are joining in and you remain sober - works for everyone!

There’s a sense that you know this isn’t right and you’re looking for someone to blame.

Yes your DP isn’t helping.

However what if it was a friend? There’s always someone in our group who tries to get others to drink more but the key is to be able to say no.

Or you just put the drink to one side, especially if you didn’t ask for it. It’s their problem if they wasted their money unnecessarily.

You can only control your actions - you cannot control your DP.

I'm mid 30s and got messy drunk on a night out last week.

I've realised I don't have that notion of 'I've had enough if I'm out enjoyed my myself. I just keep going and going and end up embarrassing myself.

If I drink at home I'm fine, just a couple and I'm done but if I'm out I can't stop. I only go out drinking maybe twice a year but it's the same 'messy' outcome.

I've decided I can't trust myself to stop when I need to, so I'm not going to drink at ALL if I'm out.

It's your responsibility to make sure you're safe and sound.

If he buys you a drink then just go up and buy yourself a 7up. Don't drink the drinks, leave them on the table.
Buy your own drinks and insist, say you are not my going in to rounds.

Would you try to not drink for a whole night and say you are driving, it can be a real eye opener and stop you drinking as much.

I also th I k he is buying you drinks because he wants a partner in crime, he probably drinks too much but once you are doing it too, then he can tell himself it's ok.

Don't drink the drinks. It's impossible to lose track if you count 3 drinks and then stop drinking!

Honestly if you can’t go out to social occasions where others are drinking and not get completely wasted then you need to seek help for your problems with alcohol and stop drinking at all
^This

I had drinking issues in the past and had to stop going out and being around drunk people completely. I knew I had no willpower and wouldn’t be able to stop at just one.

Now, a few years down the line, I am able to control it and can get a small glass of wine to sip through the night.

It wasnt anyone’s else’s fault or responsibility to try and stop me

Thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions. I have to stress this doesn't happen every single time I go to a social occasion. But it's happened enough to make me want to change my ways.

I'm a wine drinker and occasionally spirits but I can neck a lot of wine before I feel the effects if you get what I mean? One minute I'm ok the next it all gets very unpleasant. But as I say this doesn't happen every time.

I drink wine at home and it never affects me badly although for health reasons I do need to cut down. But that's because I know how much I drink at home and don't go over that.

Again I realise this is my problem and my responsibility to sort. I just get a bit fed up with the self righteous dp on a Sunday morning when he was the one contributing to my drinking :/

How do I approach it with him without making it sound like I'm passing blame onto him?

You can't because you are passing the blame onto him.

Tell him you'll only be drinking drinks that you've gone to the bar and bought for yourself from now on.

He'll soon get the message when the drinks he's bought you remain on the table all night.

YABU. And you need to stop drinking.

I used to be you. Didn't think I had a problem. I wouldn't drink much, if anything, through the week. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine on a weekend at home; two or three if we went for a meal or after-work drinks. In the "wine o clock" world, and with my group of friends and colleagues, this seemed normal.
But when I went out, perhaps every 2/3 months I'd "accidentally" get obliterated and not realise how I'd got there. It only took four or five drinks, but I'd be smashed. Took me a while to realise that's not normal, not ok, and nobody's fault but my own.

When you're in your 20s and pre-kids, pre-responsibilities, maybe it's more understandable. But in my 30s I should've known better.

Now I don't drink at all and I'm a much nicer person when I'm out. Also turns out I'm more fun sober, as I'm not weepy/forgetful/falling over. And I can drive home, get up the following day, and feel great.

So I've been there and tbh it makes me cringe at the memory. It's not your DPs job to help you out. You need to get a handle on this. Stop drinking for a month at first and see how you feel. If you can't, then you know you have more serious problems with booze that you need to tackle. Good luck.

I get you OP I’ve been with a guy in the same situation. I am not like this now I am not with him! He never wanted to go home and would just keep buying them and sometimes I feel he would know I was really drunk, but because he didn’t want to go home he also didn’t really care if I was very drunk until the next day when he would tell me about all the stupid things I said or did. I also felt confused about it because yes it was on me but it was the environment I was in that was causing me to behave toxically. He would keep buying me drinks even if I said no to them and I was too drunk to not drink them.

He would also always stop and buy more wine on the way home and stay up even later and I remember more than once I couldn’t even see straight or walk up the stairs. I think because I was staying at his house it felt like he was in control of the whole night. When we stayed at my house our evenings were COMPLETELY different, I would cook we would go out to the village pub for a couple come home and go to bed. then be up at a good time the next day. at his house we would be out till 3am and then I would feel too ill to have sex, and he would sleep the entire day even if it was lovely summer day.

In hindsight I should have (never gone out with him in the first place) been stronger and said I was going home before I felt sick or got really drunk and just left but for some reason I didn’t stand up for myself! He wanted a companion for his heavy drinking and didn’t really factor how this affected me.

I think you don’t need to focus on blaming him but looking at whether really you are compatible. If he is a very heavy drinker perhaps you are overlooking this because you can’t tolerate it and you being smashed is a distraction from him wanting to sink a gallon of booze regularly?

I get what you’re saying I think, you need your DP to be more supportive as you aren’t always great at self regulation with drinking. Ultimately, you need to just learn to say no if he buys you something you don’t want, teach yourself not to feel obliged to drink what he’s got you and call him out on it when he does it.

I just get a bit fed up with the self righteous dp on a Sunday morning when he was the one contributing to my drinking :/

No no no. This is your responsibility, not his. He might buy you drinks but unless he's pouring them down your neck, he's not making you drink them. If you don't want anymore, leave them on the table and go and buy yourself coke/water/lemonade.

He'll soon stop paying for drinks only for them to be ignored.

Also, I knew a woman who told me she had to count her drinks backwards, she was doing slimming world and knew she was allowed 7, so would start at 7 and found the drinks backwards, 6, 5, 4, 3 ,2 1.
She said she lost track counting upwards.

I hope you can give it up altogether though. Good luck.

I think just notice at what point you then can't say no to another drink and don't go there. So have 2-3 glasses or whatever it is where you still have control and then keep saying no.

I know exactly what you mean with the losing track of drinks and the crazy creeping up on you. I'm a wine-drinker at home mainly but a lager drinker when out. Very much recommend. You go to the toilet a lot more as it goes through you quicker, you're drinking less %, you drink it slower because of the bloated feeling. Also it's so painful paying £4- £6 for a measly glass of wine. You get more moneys-worth from lager.

alternate alcoholic with non alcoholic
And make the non-alcoholic ones large ones e.g. a pint of diet coke or whatever. Better still drive there so you can't drink AND can leave when you want (he can get a taxi)
It is crap that not only does he not support you but he actively buys you more drinks when you're drunk & won't leave, but you have to accept that he won't change and come up with your own solutions. Put yourself in control the whole time instead of delegating that control to someone who abuses it.

YABU. Own your own choices. You don't have to drink. You could easily switch to soft drinks or go home by yourself. You are a grown up, take responsibility for yourself

Argh I know this feeling. I have been taking my own steps to tackle it.

So we now buy beers so he can have one or two as before we were splitting a bottle on a Tuesday and i’d drink most of it 😳

I also limit the days and I drink and strategically.
By this I mean I avoid drinking much for the first hour or so ie. slow drinking and/or after the first drink I buy the second round and get “just a tonic” (while still sober enough to think non alcoholic is a good idea )
This seems to avoid getting “messy drunk”

I like the idea of counting backwards though!

I would also add that he doesn't force me and will support my while I'm trying to cut down and stop. Neither of us are alcohol dependent we've just gotten into bad habits.

I don't think it's a reflection of our relationship as a whole. Yes alcohol plays a part in our social activities/lifestyle but there is a lot lot more to our relationship and time together than that.

I have taken comments on board and I am really working towards cutting down a lot at home. And also avoiding going out for a while and adopting some of these tactics to regulate my drinking when I eventually do go out again. I totally accept it doesn't make me a nice person and I'll probably be a lot happier and healthier for cutting back.

Ask yourself honestly if you could go a month alcohol free.

If you make excuses as to why you couldn’t, you’re dependant.