To ask how to deal with cf guest in my house

[Utterlyexhausted]

Nc bc I fancied it & quite honestly don’t care if I’m outed!

We moved to the US & my dh’s friend from school & his partner are due to stay with us for 10 days. My dh invited them to come over having reconnected just before we moved.

I’ve met them a few times and although he seems lovely, his partner is constantly complaining about something. I took it as a “perhaps she had a bad day” thing but now I’m dreading her visit because I think she’s just a miserable cow!

She’s posting on Facebook and writing things like “I’ll blame you if our trip is bad🤣🤣🤣.” I called her out on that comment lightheartedly but ffs what do I do when she’s in my house?

I feel I need to be prepared for this because it’s most likely going to happen..cheeky comments, judging my cooking, judging my house, etc.

They aren’t paying anything for their stay and we have insisted on paying for their food when we eat at home as they are our guests. We’re also taking them all over to see the sights as they’re not hiring a car although Uber is available thank god.

My dh is useless and pretends he doesn’t hear her cheeky fuckery.

Any advice on diffusion or confronting a cheeky fucker is grately appreciated!

I'd openly confront every rude comment. You don't have to be rude back, you can just say things like "that's very rude of you considering we've been so welcoming to you." She will soon stop. If she doesn't then she's a massive bitch and it will be very obvious and embarrassing for her.

Cancel? No seriously, if she can’t be gracious & polite she should stay elsewhere.

I must say it’s lovely and generous of you both to offer this break to them in the first place.

I'm not sure how they are CF when:

1. You invited them to stay
2. It's you that's insisted they do not contribute
3. They're not even here yet!

Yes, they could well turn out to be terrible guests but they also might not. Why work yourself up into a frenzy before they've even arrived? By worrying you suffer twice.

Limpshade I suppose I see her as a cf because of her previous rudeness. There’s more cf that we saw such as her putting her dp down in front of us which was very awkward except for her!

My dh invited them which he now says that he didn’t actually think they’d accept

We don’t want any money from them, they are our guests, I added that part in to give a fuller picture.

I need to feel pre armed on how to deal with her otherwise it’ll be ww3..I have such a low tolerance to people like this that I’ll explode otherwise

To quote the classic line- you don’t have a guest problem, you have a DH problem.

You (or rather him) has invited them to stay, offered to pay for their food and to show them the sights. The girlfriend may be a bit grumpy but this is not a CF scenario.

As for how to deal with it, the visit is quite long so if you work thenI’d blame lack of leave (v common problem in the US) and be unavailable to join them for a lot of their daytime activities. Or if you don’t work then find some other pre-existing commitments. Your DH can show them around. Plan meals out or order in so you’re not having to cook too much and at a minimum split the bill.

You never know, it might not be that bad and you could be worrying about nothing.

And have serious words with your husband to ensure he never invites guests again without discussing it with you first!

Lol yes Expressedways my dh wouldn’t DREAM of offering this again!

I suppose it isn’t yet cfuckery but the potential is there..

I’m a sahm but I’ve got things planned involving the kids (dentist, play dates, etc)

They don’t have a lot of money so we wanted to keep their expenses down..but having said that IF she kicks off I’ll call her on it and if it keeps happening I’ll book an Uber to take them to a hotel

Brutally honestly? You don’t let them in the front door. You say, “You know, DH and I are really concerned about you having the best trip possible and just don’t think that’s going to happen if you stay with us, so here is a link to AirBnbs available in the area for your dates and here are some particular ones with very good rates that would meet your needs. Hope you have a lovely holiday and would love to see you while you’re here!”
Seriously. If, as you say, her behavior would make you explode, I would do that. Even if you originally invited her. As she’s the one who’s been making CF comments ever since.

Now IF you refuse to do that and you’re still going to have her to stay, previous posters are absolutely right. The only way to deal with it is to pull her up on every CF comment so she stops early in the visit. Don’t fall for any BS like her acting affronted or claiming she was only joking, acting like you have no sense of humor, etc. Just decide on some responses before she arrives, such as: “Do guests say that sort of thing in your house??” “That was incredibly rude,” or I f she starts on her DP, “This is very awkward. Shall we leave you two?” DO NOT say nothing and silently seethe and let your life be misery for ten days. It’s not about trying to be clever; it’s just about getting her to stop.

Not sure where you’re located but a lot of areas have AirBnbs for 2 adults for as low as £35 a night, as you mentioned they don’t have much money.

I’m a sahm but I’ve got things planned involving the kids (dentist, play dates, etc)
Excellent plan, you’ll probably find the grumpy girlfriend easier to deal with if you’re not spending 24/7 with her. GOOD LUCK, sounds like you’ll need it.

Thanks for that RightYesButNo, good advice. However my dh would hit the roof if I said that! I HAVE to give them a chance, I do..I want to be so wrong about her.

Thanks as well PregnantSea & BustedDreams for your advice

**

RightYesButNo I live near a big city so I’ll get on that now for an air b&b “just in case!”

Thanks all..

I would be stamping on any signs of complaining from the outset, starting with that comment about blaming you if her trip was bad. An extremely blunt reminder that you are already providing free accommodation, food, transport, sightseeing etc and bear no further responsibility for the success or otherwise of her holiday would have been entirely appropriate.

Once she's here I think I would give the same response to each and every complaint, 'oh well, if you're not happy you can always go home'. Said without a trace of a smile and a hard stare I doubt she'll moan more than a couple of times before she gets the message it won't wash. Good luck, hope it's not as bad as you expect

How absolutely ludicrous, to describe someone as a "CF guest" when they have not even arrived at your house yet. Are you anticipating this becoming a multi-thread saga?

I need to feel pre armed on how to deal with her otherwise it’ll be ww3..I have such a low tolerance to people like this that I’ll explode otherwise

Develop a tinkly little laugh.
When she starts, do the laugh and tell her, 'Next time we'll stay at yours for ten days and you'll do all the work and the ferrying around and it'll be my turn to take the piss. I can't wait.'

If she takes umbrage you can at least feel reassured they won't visit again, so problem solved.

Or as suggested ^^ just don't take time off work and order food in.

The laugh will also come in useful next time your DH invites people to stay without running it past you first.

I think you need to be clear. “This is our home. We have a family and commitments beyond receiving guests.” “We have planned some nice activities for you but it isn’t our job to entertain you for 10 days.” “ If you wanted to be permanently entertained, you should have booked a touring holiday.”

When they first arrive, sit them down and explain all this to them and give them some information on what to do and transport options, which don’t involve you acting as a taxi. Really and honestly they should be going to stay elsewhere for a few days to break the trip up.

Be clear. This isn’t a holiday as they’re staying in your home and this has constraints. They need to fit in with you.

If she criticises anything - cooking, home etc - just keep saying "if the free [meals/accommodation/whatever] are not to your satisfaction, I can recommend some great Airbnb's nearby". Say it in a light voice with an ever so sweet smile on your face.

"Sorry you're not enjoying our home, I wont be offended if you'd prefer to spend the rest of your stay in a hotel".

It sounds like you are the CF. You invited them to stay, you insisted (quite rightly) that you provide food as they are your guests, you told them that you would show them round. What exactly have they done wrong apart from a silly comment on Facebook? You are not busy, little things like dental apps could easily be rearranged if necessary. Sounds like you just don't want your DH friends there. And to invite them over to a different continent then direct them to an air bnb on arrival when they were expecting to stay with you would be disgusting behaviour.

She sounds like hard work. The more judgemental she is the less effort I'd make. Get your DH to spend time with her since he doesn't see the problem.

It's possible she just doesn't realise what she's doing and the impact it has, but 10 days of this is too long to put up and shut up.

She might be very different once she's with you but if not, I'd make a mental note of any passive/aggressive jibes/complaints she makes over the first couple of days and then take her to one side and tell her in as kind a way as you can, that you are finding her negative comments very tiresome, not to mention thoughtless and bad mannered, given she is availing herself of your hospitality, and would she please stop so you can all enjoy their visit. She'll either apologise, saying she didn't realise, no harm intended etc but if she's a dyed in the wool CF she'll probably go and stay elsewhere anyway, money or no.

Unfortunately, if you were to call her out on it openly there's a risk the atmosphere would be soured for you all for the rest of the visit. Good luck, hope it all goes well and you have a great time

The poor woman hasn't even arrived yet - give her a chance! It seems you are determined to think badly of her, so she doesn't stand a chance really, does she?

Anyone else struggling to see any evidence of CFery? OP has no idea how this couple are going to be when they turn up, and the only concrete example she has given is the partner putting her husband's friend down in their presence - which just isn't being a CF. OP thinks she's going to be rude about her hosting, but hasn't given one example of her being rude in the past. Even the FB comment sounds like a misplaced joke.

I'm with the others. Neither of his friends have done anything yet to warrant being called CFs. Other than accepting an offer your DH shouldn't have given to his friends (ones that you suspect may be entitled and take the Mickey). He's the one that has made offers that he seems to expect you to fulfil. Hopefully he'll be taking AL to entertain them or make it clear that you as SAHM have other responsibilities and aren't available to run them around.

Maybe make a folder up of places they can visit nearby , restaurants they can eat at, sights to see, transport and other options then leave them to it . Maybe send them links before they come of some of these, so that they can start planning their itinerary and how they'll get there and back if you aren't free to ferry them around everyday. You have local knowledge of your county and suggestions about local customs (eg tipping and taxes on top of prices, weird to us UKers), they don't.

So for me, staying with friends would be lovely to help me feel secure and more confident but it would be all about the suggestions, maybe a BBQ with friends /neighbours to hear your stories of community life there. But I would also be planning to take you out for a few meals, to cook for you, be a minimal disruption guest and to get out from under your feet. What a lovely thing you are doing, but be clear from before the start and do it with grace and your boundaries.