To ask how to deal with cf guest in my house

[Utterlyexhausted]

Nc bc I fancied it & quite honestly don’t care if I’m outed!

We moved to the US & my dh’s friend from school & his partner are due to stay with us for 10 days. My dh invited them to come over having reconnected just before we moved.

I’ve met them a few times and although he seems lovely, his partner is constantly complaining about something. I took it as a “perhaps she had a bad day” thing but now I’m dreading her visit because I think she’s just a miserable cow!

She’s posting on Facebook and writing things like “I’ll blame you if our trip is bad🤣🤣🤣.” I called her out on that comment lightheartedly but ffs what do I do when she’s in my house?

I feel I need to be prepared for this because it’s most likely going to happen..cheeky comments, judging my cooking, judging my house, etc.

They aren’t paying anything for their stay and we have insisted on paying for their food when we eat at home as they are our guests. We’re also taking them all over to see the sights as they’re not hiring a car although Uber is available thank god.

My dh is useless and pretends he doesn’t hear her cheeky fuckery.

Any advice on diffusion or confronting a cheeky fucker is grately appreciated!

I think you are being the unreasonable one here. You can't invite someone to stay and offer to pay their expenses and then, a few weeks before, change your mind and send them a link to Airbnb! Because they might make a few misjudged jokes...

This is like the recent thread where they decided last minute that they wanted an £800 contribution.

Also, maybe find out suggest a tourist place nearby and some details of hotel/airb&bs for them to go away for a few days in the middle? To build in a break for you, but also add another dimension into their holiday. It won't be such a romantic holiday for them if they stay all their time over there with a noisy family with young DC. I'd do that bit with a winky emoji and a "thought you'd like to add a romantic few days to your trip- lots of our friends have said this is a wonderful place to spend a few days at to add to.your memories and experience"

But suggest that early, perhaps now? Unless trip is nigh.

Also I feel this will be a self fulfilling prophecy where you've already decided shes a bitch and si everything she says (or doesnt say) will be taken the wrong way to justify your expectation that shes a "cf"

WillLokireturn had it right. The folder idea is Great. I have done this for visitors.
If you need space, drop them off at a mall on way to dentist, etc. Let DH collect them. Tell them to organise their phone package , or budget for a burner phone , so they are not reliant on you. Make sure they have an Uber account.Get a Metro card and map in advance .

And relax. Don't be looking for her to slip up . She may surprise you . One comment does not a CF make!

Are you reading too much into her FB posts? The example you've given I read as very jokey rather than CF. You've obviously seen more of her FB than we have but sometimes things written down get a bit lost in translation.

I would say pull her up early doors. "It sounds like you didn't enjoy that why?" That sounded a little rude, what do you mean etc.

She will either shut the fuck up or keep going. If she keeps going you have a plan

I think you sound like a passive aggressive CF in reverse.

You/partner invited THEM to stay, YOU offered them free food and transport.

Yet now you are moaning and calling them CF. You are ridiculous and just like to bitch. How does your husband put up with you?

This is bizarre, they haven't even arrived at your house yet! Perhaps a little early to call them cheeky fuckers.

In the nicest possible way, maybe they would appreciate some unstructured time. Days where they can doss or just do their own thing. So maybe just ask if she would prefer it if you planned less and left them to their own devices. Her comments might reflect resentment at having so much time organised. I’m not deflecting blame here, as clearly her comments are out of order after you are being such generous hosts, though you could just have different expectations of the visit.

Spike their cornflakes with LSD and laxatives.

It’s the only language their sort understand.

Say “You know, DH and I are really concerned about you having the best trip possible and just don’t think that’s going to happen if you stay with us, so here is a link to AirBnbs available in the area for your dates and here are some particular ones with very good rates that would meet your needs

WTF? You can't invite someone over to stay at your house in another country and insist on paying for everything for them, leading them into paying for air fares etc, and then drop it on them that you've changed your mind so they'll have to pay out hundreds of pounds or cancel the entire trip. It would be quite unbelievably rude.

I think you need to make it clear what you are likely to be providing before they stay, why wait till they are here so that they can't budget and that expectations aren't aligned.

We will provide food while eating at the house.
We are planning on taking you to see sights on day 4,7 and 8.
Uber is the best form of transport from our house so suggest you download the app so you can get around yourselves for the other days and start to plan for days out.

Set the expectation out clearly.
Do a tour and show them where the washing machine is, where to hang clothes, how to lock up the house properly where the bins go etc.

Do 1 or 2 day of orienting and then leave them to it with uber and what not.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” etc

I almost guarantee you’ll get suckered into buying their dinners out - so prepare for it to avoid it:

Do not suggest ANY restaurants out. EVER. (expect “Oh I didn’t know it would be soooo expensive”)
If they suggest going out, suggest trip advisor and do not pick a restaurant. Maybe give them a few suggestion and tell them to google the menus.
Then say “hope you two enjoy the meal!!”
If / when they expect you to come say “that’s lovely of you! How generous - thank you!”
When you get there they may well play “cheque chicken” (this is a fun game whereby they refuse to ask for the cheque) if you crack and ask for it first you end up paying for everyone.
If they are CFs and try this the way to circumvent this if you can’t bear to outwait them is to thank them again for the delicious meal and say shall I ask for the cheque?
If they looked shocked/ like that convo didn’t happen just say “no worries”. Get cheque, turn to OH and loudly say “our half is X” then pass the cheque over

Ok firstly, you've decided she's awful and a cf yet you don't even know her properly yet. Give her a chance, don't b quick to jump on every tiny comment she makes and look for reasons to like and build a friendship with her.
If she is overtly rude or critical then respond quite calmly but openly something along the lines of "well I can give you a list of hotels if you're not suited here" or even (as pp suggested "that's quite rude considering we're hosting you for free"

Hopefully she'll get the message.

The next facebook comment you read I would simply reply:

'We are not in the least bit offended that you have decided this isn't the right kind of arrangement for you, dh will send over a list of hotels in the area now, and hopefully we can get together for dinner one evening. Have a lovely holiday'

Dh sends the list over, and your input into their holiday is essentially over. You are not obliged to host rude people op.

Nothing you have said suggests this person is a cheeky fucker. You and your partner have gone above and beyond and if they've taken you up on your offers it does not make them cheeky fuckers, you simply should not offer things if you don't really mean them.

She may be difficult and obnoxious, but this level of hatred already before you even have spent time with her properly is a little over the top. I mean you've already put her down as a cheeky fucker over nothing.

See how it goes and if she is truly awful in person, then deal with her rude behaviour at the time. No one says you have to tolerate any negative behaviour. Also if the behaviour continues you can push to end the stay quicker. However, you never know, you may all get along and enjoy the time spent together.

For now, stop giving this too much thought and deal with it when the time comes.

She hasn’t actually been to stay with you yet. You can’t kniw how she’ll behave when she does. I would stop thinking about it instead of torturing yourself like this.

What everyone else said. And make sure you send them out plenty on their own to see the local sights/try a particular restaurant/whatever. That thing about guests and fish...

You’re massively over thinking this, they haven’t arrived yet! But you can’t possibly invite someone to another continent and then after they have booked flights, withdraw the invitation because of a Facebook post. That WBU.

Perhaps the invitation shouldn’t have been issued, but it has been. Now you have to deal with it.

If they were staying at a hotel/resort they would not expect to be entertained for every second of the day. So I absolutely agree to sending them a suggested itinerary e.g. which days you are prepared to play host, and which days you are busy, with some suggested local attractions. I’m sure you’re lovely, but they won’t want to spend every day of their holiday with you! Surely they will want some alone time and some time to play tourist?

Calm down, take a step back and make a plan you can live with. But you can’t pull the rug out under them unless they’ve actually DONE something!

Any rude/snide/awkward comments just need to be put down immediately but reasonably politely. “I’m sorry, I know that was probably a joke, but we don’t talk to each other like that in front of the DC”. Step it up if repeated “sorry, but I think that’s quite rude” or “I’d prefer you not speak to me like that in my own home”. Keep delivery extremely calm and neutral, it makes people feel awkward. I imagine shell stop pretty quick. If she doesn’t, insist DH tackle it - he invited them!

Having lived in a tourist destination (and had fair share of CF guests...) I would very much agree with the politely stressing that you are not a tour guide. Guests are on holiday, and as such are very much up for eating out every evening, visiting places (that you have visited ten times before) which proves to be expensive and - and this is a big one - often expecting to be chauffeur-driven around and loathe to hire a car.

I actually started to make it clear that if people wanted to go out and about they must hire a car. Even then one pair decided they were afraid to drive (in the US!) and sat there doing nothing with cat's bum faces as I didn't drive.

In the spirit of full disclosure I actually did drive but didn't have a car and certainly didn't want to be driving people to tourist attractions day in day out in a hire car.

This is a wonderful situation, you have nothing to lose! You can do all the Mumsnetty things we all wish we did all the time - ‘did you mean to be so rude’ etc and the fab things suggested above because you don’t give a shit if they never come back. And your expectations are so low that if she does turn out to be absolutely lovely with a wicked sense of humour it will all be so much better than you thought. So win win.

May I just say going forward op, if you don't want people to stay, say no it doesn't work for you at the moment. Don't let dh invite randoms, and then once its all arranged, then decide you don't like them/want them etc.

The real problem lies with the fact you don't really want them to come I suspect.

What CF has she shown? She hasn't stayed with you before, your DH invited them and she made a light hearted (there were 3 emojis ffs) comment on FB. She sounds fine to me.