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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving a friend regular lifts

87 replies

Sunflower20 · 24/06/2019 21:58

If you lived in close proximity to a good friend who doesn't drive, would you take them grocery shopping every week? As in a longterm arrangement?

OP posts:

wibbletooth · 24/06/2019 23:12

If you were feeling like it and going to the shop anyway, you could say you were going and would she like a lift - but always put a proviso on it that you are coming back at [time of your choice] - she is welcome to come back with you if she is ready but if not, you understand and she is welcome to make her own way home as you have other things planned/commitments/etc so you can't wait for her. Even if it is just washing your hair - you don't need to mention what that commitment is! And then leave her behind so she knows you are serious. Alternatively she needn't come at all and get online shopping at her own convenience.

That might speed up her shopping - particularly if you are very strict about the time the first few times and drive off and leave her if she is at all late.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/06/2019 23:20

If I was doing my shop that day or the friend and I were going out anyway, sure why not? But to be a 'taxi' for someone's weekly shop on their schedule? No.

If you want to 'wean her off' could you start by saying "No I can't on XX day, but I'm doing my shop on YY day (later than her proposed day) if you want to come then" and then make the intervals longer and longer?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/06/2019 23:52

If she's taking about 3x as long as you to do her shopping, this isn't a convenient arrangement.

She can order online or get a taxi/Uber...or if it suits, you could drive her to the store and she can make her own way back (an hour after you do).

InsertFunnyUsername · 25/06/2019 00:14

In your postion probably not, it seems you are being asked more and more.

I had a similar set up with a v good friend, but she always did her shopping at the same time and place as me and would offer me a lift home. It was always on her terms (rightly so) and often we wouldn't go together she would just let me know she isn't shopping Saturday/already been etc.

honeygirlz · 25/06/2019 00:15

Ugh no way. I’m more than happy to give lifts but a regular or expected lift wouldn’t work for me.

Durgasarrow · 25/06/2019 00:20

Noope.

PregnantSea · 25/06/2019 00:21

No. Although I can drive I've had many spells in my life where I couldn't afford a car and not once did I try and set up a weekly arrangement for someone else to take me food shopping. I either shopped local and did my back in hauling the bags home, or I stumped up the money for a taxi to and from the supermarket.

It really wasn't a big deal to me to not have a car, there were always alternatives. Whenever it got to the point where it was an issue I made financial adjustments to my life to allow me to afford a car. This is what normal grown ups do.

PregnantSea · 25/06/2019 00:29

Just seen your updates - there's no reason that this friend can't order her shopping online.

Be busy when she asks. She'll soon stop asking. You aren't being rude by not doing this. You don't owe her anything.

Beautiful3 · 25/06/2019 01:05

No I wouldn't start anything. My neighbour started this weekly lift for the grocery shop for her friend. I see the exasperated sighs when she explains she's on holiday or can't go that week. I hear the friend complaining that she had to go to farmfoods which is only two streets away?! I think my neighbour made a rod for her own back. There is online shopping so no need to commit one's self.

BrendasUmbrella · 25/06/2019 01:33

You'll have to turn her down a few times, even if you do have the time to take her. "Sorry I can't spare the time today. Have you looked into online grocery shopping? Apparently there are some good deals around for new customers..."

quizqueen · 25/06/2019 01:58

If someone chose not to own a car and had never bothered to learn to drive, I wouldn't be going to the expense of doing both of those things so that I could be their free personal taxi service!

managedmis · 25/06/2019 02:31

She makes a day of it too? Not just nipping in?

Hell to the no!

Grumpymug · 25/06/2019 02:39

I don't drive and I'd never expect this. Generally get my shopping in dribs and drabs on my way home from work, or when I go anywhere else. Occasionally my friend will ask to meet for a coffee somewhere and say that she's going to do some shopping on the way back so would I like a lift home and to do some shopping, and if I'm free and can I meet her wherever and we do that, but I wouldn't expect a regular thing at all, I've made my own arrangements for my shopping and it works for me.
If I were you I'd just say you can't when she asks.

IloveJudgeJudy · 25/06/2019 05:12

Like Beautiful3's friend my SIL's sister started doing this for her own DM and her DM's friend. Very soon it was forgotten that it was a favour and within a very short time frame if she couldn't take them for any reason (she had a young family) she got complained at and about.

I wouldn't start anything like this as it so soon becomes considered the norm and not a favour.

TheColonelsLady · 25/06/2019 05:21

I'd do it occasionally, but probably only regularly for a family member, or a friend who was disabled, or who had a squillion kids, or who for whatever reason excited my compassion.

fargo123 · 25/06/2019 05:50

No way.

If someone chooses not to drive, that's their problem and I'm not going to be a free taxi service for them.

BertrandRussell · 25/06/2019 06:06

So long as it was at my convenience then yes of course.

TixieLix · 25/06/2019 06:11

No I wouldn't because I work FT and I'm very busy at weekends. At most I'd say to them "I'm really busy today. Go do your shopping and ring me when nearly done. If I'm free I'll come pick you up". However if I was in the middle of something when they rang I'd be quite honest and say I can't get there. I'd only offer this if the supermarket is fairly nearby, not if it's an hours drive away.

Thatnovembernight · 25/06/2019 06:24

I’ve known so many similar arrangements go sour that I’d have to say no. Unless I wasn’t working maybe, and had a lot more time. I’d do it for a medical appointment though.

rosemarysalted · 25/06/2019 06:30

I'd help a friend, for sure. But at my convenience. I'm a pretty spontaneous person so it'd be more me saying that I was going in 30 minutes if they want to come along and that I have to be back by a specific time.....if that suits them, that's great.
I would never make a regular agreement. Familiarity breeds contempt as they say. What starts as a favour and kindness becomes normality and expected, then the non driver often wants to change the goalposts, add on a quick appointment at the doctors, post a parcel - been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
But I've yet to read on here or hear in real life of any non driver that does that ........yet, I've met plenty.

FairySunbath · 25/06/2019 06:39

I was just about to post a similar thing to rosemary salted. I too have had my (now ex) non-driving friend take the piss out of driving favours, it became expected. I really wouldn't get I to anything like that again.

Pinkmouse6 · 25/06/2019 06:39

Not at all. Online shopping exists for this very reason. Oh and taxis...

NauseousMum · 25/06/2019 06:49

No way. I'd get mine when it suited me. I might take her on random occassions but not every week. She can use delivery saver if she needs a regular delivery. I have to use that for the next few months due to car issues.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 06:49

It depends - are you going shopping every week and picking them up on the way?

Isatis · 25/06/2019 06:51

I might do it if I were going anyway, but on strict terms that the friend needs to be ready to go back at or about the same time I was. The first time she expected me to wait around kicking my heels for more than 20 minutes at most would be the last time I took her.

In your case, OP, since you aren't going grocery shopping anyway, absolutely not. If you're going in that direction anyway it may not hurt to offer her a lift on the basis that she makes her own way back; but if she's directly asking you to take her, it's time to start being unavailable.

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