Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving a friend regular lifts

87 replies

Sunflower20 · 24/06/2019 21:58

If you lived in close proximity to a good friend who doesn't drive, would you take them grocery shopping every week? As in a longterm arrangement?

OP posts:
WillLokireturn · 24/06/2019 22:19

I agree with the others. People can organise their own online shopping. You can get an app on your phone for most supermarkets. It can cost as little as £2 up to £5 for delivery. It's cheaper than it costs me in petrol to run my car to and from supermarket and doesn't touch on insurance etc I pay for car to use it.

So even a great friend, I'd take occasionally, if I fancied company /wanted to help them every now and then. But I'm mainly online shopping myself.
I barely fit my week's shopping in boot of my car, no room for anyone else's!!

Original poster
Sunflower20 · 24/06/2019 22:20

Oh ok, it seems like I'm not being entirely unreasonable.

Basically, my friend has started asking me. In the past I have offered a few times when I was planning on going anyway. But normally I get my shopping on the way after work, as I hardly ever go to the supermarket as a separate trip. So I don't always ask.

She's not quite on the way either although we live very close to each other (2min drive), but it would mean that I have to drive to hers to pick her up and drop her off again. So I can't do it on my way back from the gym/work.....I honestly don't mind the lift itself but I don't want to be tied in. I don't plan that much and usually go whenever I need to on the way, so it doesn't quite work for me.

The other thing is, last time I took her she took absolutely ages, I usually spend probably 30-40mins but we spent 1.5hrs last time. I felt a bit impatient having to wait, I get that people shop differently but I felt that she had no sense of time. Ugh I feel like a bitch :(
I think it's hard for her to appreciate the inconvenience unless she's in my shoes, so I don't think she's unreasonable to ask but I guess I don't want this to be a fixed thing.

OP posts:
AlwaysSkint · 24/06/2019 22:21

I don't drive, I wouldn't really dream of asking a friend for a weekly, if they offered I might take them up on it but only if they let me pay them.

I either get a delivery or a bus there and a taxi home. Works out about £1 for certain deliveries but £6.25 for bus and. Guess which one is my preference.

Lizzie3869 · 24/06/2019 22:21

No, unless there were extenuating circumstances, for example said friend was ill or had an injury, was a new mum. I wouldn't want to be tied into a long-term arrangement. I used to give friends lifts whenever asked, but I eventually got wise to the fact that I was being a mug.

Starlight456 · 24/06/2019 22:24

Just be vague and say not sure will probably nip in on way home

SynchroSwimmer · 24/06/2019 22:29

I might do, but I would copy an idea from a friend;

Make it at random days and times that exactly suited my own schedule (e.g. “Hi Jane, I’m going shopping this week on Friday at 2 p.m.”)

I would definitely not make it the same day or time each week - so as to not create a precedent that you then can’t get out of.

I would also maybe have some dental/optician/gym “appointments” straight afterwards on some of the weeks

StinkyHedgehog · 24/06/2019 22:30

I made the mistake of offering an occasional lift (supermarket, for instance) for a neighbour, who was also a friend. I was sometimes asked if it could be a different time or different day, because that suited her better. And, before I knew what was happening, I was being asked for lifts to doctor appointments, shopping trips in another town, to see friends etc. If she saw me coming out of the house to the car, she even popped out to ask if I could just drop her off somewhere on my way out (and pick her up later, of course).

A well-meaning gesture can sometimes be a slippery slope!

BumbleBeee69 · 24/06/2019 22:33

Hell NO... start saying you have plans... she cannot depend on someone else o tale her shopping .. she's a cheeky cow Flowers

Littlemisslists · 24/06/2019 22:34

Agree with it being a slippery slope.
Wouldn’t mind helping out now and again but wouldn’t want a permanent arrangement.
I’d point them in the direction of taxi/online shopping.

Bluerussian · 24/06/2019 22:35

Yes I would unless I had something else to do so wouldn't be tied to the arrangement but it's a nice thing to do, you can do your shopping at the same time and maybe have coffee before or afterwards.

RomanyQueen · 24/06/2019 22:38

I don't drive and would only be ok with this if it was a close friend, like family.
Because I know they'd let me know when/if there was a problem, and I'd be offering lots of things in return like true friends do.
I wouldn't accept if neighbourly friend, nor would i expect them to offer tbh.

Boysey45 · 24/06/2019 22:38

I don't drive and wouldn't want a friend to offer me a lift to a supermarket. I like to go when I want and wouldn't like to be getting into favours etc and repaying them with friends.
Tell your friend to do an online shop, its £2.00 plus for delivery and she can get loads in one go and store it.

saraclara · 24/06/2019 22:44

No. I'm commitment phobic. I'll help anyone in a crisis, but I don't have a regular schedule, I like to be able to be spontaneous, and I want to arrive at and leave places when I want to.

You're no longer available to do this. If she asks, you're now doing your shopping on the way home from/near to work. Sorry.

WillLokireturn · 24/06/2019 22:51

@Sunflower20
Ah, your friend is starting to ask you more and more. That's different to you offering. Assuming she's not cognitively disabled and can use a smart phone, friend can choose to order online or not. Or buy a few items every couple days from local greengrocer/butchers on way home from work for fresh stuff and online shop the big stuff. Or bus there and catch taxi back without keeping anyone waiting.

Taking her each week won't often be convenient, and will start to colour your friendship at the edges if she makes it a palavar or it becomes a chore, with her taking double time you do and you no longer being able to fit it in on way home.

YANBU.
Unless it was my Nan or Mum and I was offering to take them, for the easy access to sneak in better biscuit choices ("Yes to custard creams & short bread, no to rich tea 😜! ") for my own nefarious reasons 🥰

ButtonMoonLoon · 24/06/2019 22:54

I do this every week, but I do it because I want to and I enjoy it.
We go for coffee together first and then go and do our shopping. It’s fun and nice to have a regular catch up. I’d be doing my shopping anyway so it’s nice to make it social.
If that was the case and I didn’t enjoy her company then I might feel differently,

fromthefloorboardsup · 24/06/2019 22:56

I also do this for a friend. We work together and go on the way home but I really enjoy their company and tend to pick up bits on the way home so I genuinely don't mind. Like above, if I didn't like just being with them I wouldn't. Plus they're always incredibly grateful. I think this is key - if I felt like they felt entitled to it I'd stop.

Lunde · 24/06/2019 23:00

I entered into an arrangement to drive a woman from the same village to a Uni course that was a 60 mile round trip each day. It worked very well because I set out some very strict ground rules that the lifts would be based on my schedule/convenience. If she wanted to start ultra early or stay late - then she would have to get the bus.

viccat · 24/06/2019 23:01

I don't drive and wouldn't expect it. I never ask my friends for driving favours and will buy things online and take a cab if I need to go somewhere/transport something that absolutely needs a car. I probably wouldn't take someone if I was a driver just because I'm too much of an introvert to commit to so much regular people-time (and because I doubt I would go to the shops regularly even if I had a car, I much prefer online + delivery)...

My mum on the other hand regularly took non-driver friends as she was going anyway and she loves people and they went for a coffee and a gossip as well. Then as she gave up her car a few years ago another friend has started often taking her as he's going anyway and it works for them.

Both arrangements suited the people involved but sounds like in your case it's not working for you so it's not unreasonable to say so.

GabsAlot · 24/06/2019 23:02

Just say no because most of the time you get it on your way from work-no other conversation to be had

RosaWaiting · 24/06/2019 23:05

no
apart from the pisstake factor, on a practical level you sound like me

I hate supermarkets and never plan going really - I try to pop in en route home etc

also, 90 mins!! Jeez. I go with my elderly mum sometimes and she goes round in about 30 mins!

shiningstar2 · 24/06/2019 23:06

I would never offer this on a regular basis because it commits you to going at a particular time every week or knowing in advance when you are going. We do a big shop when it suits. This can mean 8 days or 16 days or anything in between supermarket visits.

HateIsNotGood · 24/06/2019 23:09

Yes, I would if it was a good friend - the kind of friend that helps me in kind, either in the past or in the future.

If it was just a chancer friend, after a couple of times I'd say the truth...it's an inconvenience for me, so are you going to help me with something or do you expect me to do this because.....?

MondayMonday89 · 24/06/2019 23:09

If I had the time I definitely would. That's what friends do, isn't it?

WorraLiberty · 24/06/2019 23:09

No. I would assume she'd do what I and most other non drivers do and order her groceries online.

MondayMonday89 · 24/06/2019 23:12

...and you don't have the time, so no, in your shoes I wouldn't.

Just make it clear to your friend what you are willing and able to do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread