Have MIL and FIL overstepped?

[giftquandry]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed and name change in case outing. MIL and FIL have been overbearing since the birth of DS. For example when DS was newborn we received a phone call from MIL on the Saturday night asking to see us the next day and when we said we were busy there were tears and told 'well I just hope he knows us then'. Not what we needed at that point in time as we were exhausted and dealing with a refluxy baby that never slept.
So to last Friday. In-laws were doing their last pick-up at nursery before DS starts school in August and have been talking about how emotional they are about. I've been playing it down as DS doesn't need to deal with an adult's emotions about it. He's been fine but this weekend starting showing signs of nerves and worry rather than the previous excitement. Then, when I picked him up today his lovely key worker was chatting about how emotional my in-laws had been on Friday while DS was there and how they had given her flowers and a card with a lovely message. She was so thankful about it and all I could say was 'wow, how lovely' as I was shocked that they would take it upon themselves to do that and not say anything.

They obviously know that DH and I wouldn't want them to do that as they haven't mentioned the gift to us. DH is on the same page as me, thinking that it oversteps boundaries, it's not their place to be thanking the nursery and even my Grandmother-IL has told my MIL to not be so emotional as our DS is not her DS.
I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions on this as I would like to get into a good place about it but feel very uncomfortable. They are also good people but drive us batty with their lack of boundaries.

I wouldnt do anything. The key worker wasnt offended. The key worker doesnt think that your mil's behavior/decisions reflect badly or well on you.

I would just carry on. Dont get talked in or out of anything that doesnt suit you, but dont tell her off for buying the keyworker flowers!

I agree it’s overstepping.
It’s your place as parents to thank his keyworkers on your behalf and your son’s behalf.
It’s a nice gesture of PILS but it’s not their place at all I agree.

I think it’s lovely of them. It’s only a card & flowers. Honestly I’d not care.

I’m not sure what your point is. Your in laws have built a relationship over the years with people they see regularly and now that phase s coming to an end and they are saying thank you and goodbye?
But you are jealous and annoyed because you own your child and they have no right to have those feelings?

I think it was a lovely gesture.

I don’t see the issue here

Your ILs might be a bit of a nightmare but I wouldn't get wound up about this. The key worker was obviously pleased

And If your issue is boundaries, write a job spec and pay a randomer to look after your child.

What's wrong with that?

I have a little boy and I feel nervous for when he's older as MIL always get a bashing on here

So do your in-laws do pick ups)drop offs frequently?

If they regularly pick DS up from nursery they will have formed their own relationship with his keyworker. This is not at all a big deal.

Are you concerned because it seemed to have an impact on your DS? He had previously been excited about school and is now more nervous? If so, discuss it from a point of view of asking for their help to make it seem the right time for the next step e.g getting a bigger boy now and he is growing up so is ready to go to school?

But it was their thank you to them , not yours
I can't understand why you are upset

It sounds like they do regular pick-ups and have built a relationship with the key worker. Do you have a problem with them doing pick-ups?

Also, it will do you no good to hold onto comments made 4 years ago. Look at the bigger picture - do your ILs love and care for your ds? does he have a good relationship with them?

I wouldn't have a problem with the flowers, especially if they pick up regularly. I would be annoyed if they were projecting unnecessary 'big emotions' about leaving nursery onto my child that didn't seem to be there before.

I think it depends. They pick him up once a month then yeah it's weird

They drop him off or pick him up a few times a week then they are involved because you have involved them so I dont think its then that fair to moan when they are emotionally invested in it all

Also the backstory - asking to see a newborn isn't overstepping. Its emotional for everyone though they could have handled it better when you said no. Some people on here have parents in law who turn up at the hospital despite being told not to and so on so they dont sound too bad to me

@usingmyindoorvoice I can see that they may have built up a relationship and are saying goodbye but it seemed to have been a message thanking her for her work with DS which I feel is different. Also, have tried to get other childcare that we would pay for but there are no places. Even if there were I wouldn't stop them from collecting DS as they have a lovely relationship. Whether we're paying or not however, there are things we feel strongly about and rules for being with our child. Those rules are about safety though not about presents for key workers, hence the post asking for opinions.
@dancemat as a MIL to be I often feel the same way which is why nothing has been said in this instance as I'm genuinely unsure about why it made me feel so uncomfortable. My DF says just to roll my eyes and move on.
I'm getting the points about the keyworker being pleased and she definitely deserves to feel that way as she's been great with DS.

If they are picking him up they will have gotten to know the staff, I think it's really thoughtful and a very kind gesture what they did.

GP can feel emotional too at milestones, I do recall when my 1st ds took his first step and my MIL started bawling crying with happiness :) When my eldest finished primary school here a few years ago and before my parents died, they had both come to the school on the last day as they were putting on a music/show, both sat their crying, but for me I just thought aww how sweet. I'd never hide emotions from children, crying, alughing, happiness, sadness whatever, it's all very normal.

Not their place to thank the key worker with flowers and card as not their child. They have overstepped here massively.

Agree, it's thanking the key worker for looking after DS, when that shoudl come from you. That is overstepping.

I automatically went to overstepping but in a way they've been going through wh ast any parent would do with pick ups and getting to know the place and people and probably getting the low down (granted for you) on your ds, asking how his day at preschool was etc. I'd also agree that wanting to see their gc wasn't overbearing, annoying for you cos y o u were wrecked, but in their job description!

Really appreciating the range of views and it's helping me to put it into perspective.
They pick him up once every second week so not very often but possibly often enough for them to feel a connection.
@Praiseyou no problem with them doing pick-ups and not holding on to something that happened four years ago, just an example of many things that DH and I have found tricky. I've been working on letting things go recently, this being one of them.

Why can't GPs be pleased that their DGC have had a lovely time at nursery and say Thank You?

It won't take away from anything you do.

I think it's the sort of thing that if you had a wonderful relationship with MIL you'd think "oh that's surprising, but it was a lovely thing to do, how nice", but when you already have a difficult relationship with boundary issues it seems like yet another step too far.

Don't make an issue of it though. it will achieve nothing positive and make you look controlling and mean. Not the hill to die on and all that. I do get it though

I don't think they've been all that out of order, frankly. Grandparents are often a bit OTT but if they aren't causing harm or trouble, you just suck it up and appreciate the help they give. Children aren't little for very long, they are soon independent of grandparents and parents and the whole scene changes.