Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have MIL and FIL overstepped?

86 replies

giftquandry · 24/06/2019 21:14

Bit of background so as not to drip feed and name change in case outing. MIL and FIL have been overbearing since the birth of DS. For example when DS was newborn we received a phone call from MIL on the Saturday night asking to see us the next day and when we said we were busy there were tears and told 'well I just hope he knows us then'. Not what we needed at that point in time as we were exhausted and dealing with a refluxy baby that never slept.
So to last Friday. In-laws were doing their last pick-up at nursery before DS starts school in August and have been talking about how emotional they are about. I've been playing it down as DS doesn't need to deal with an adult's emotions about it. He's been fine but this weekend starting showing signs of nerves and worry rather than the previous excitement. Then, when I picked him up today his lovely key worker was chatting about how emotional my in-laws had been on Friday while DS was there and how they had given her flowers and a card with a lovely message. She was so thankful about it and all I could say was 'wow, how lovely' as I was shocked that they would take it upon themselves to do that and not say anything.

They obviously know that DH and I wouldn't want them to do that as they haven't mentioned the gift to us. DH is on the same page as me, thinking that it oversteps boundaries, it's not their place to be thanking the nursery and even my Grandmother-IL has told my MIL to not be so emotional as our DS is not her DS.
I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions on this as I would like to get into a good place about it but feel very uncomfortable. They are also good people but drive us batty with their lack of boundaries.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 24/06/2019 23:06

@oldbitch that is probably the best post I've ever read on Mumsnet.

SunnyCoco · 24/06/2019 23:13

@oldbitch I couldn't agree more. Wonderful post

Whatsername7 · 24/06/2019 23:19

It would upset me, op. They are behaving like the parents. They also did it in secret which makes it feel like more of a slight. I'd follow your dfs advice. However, you might find that you need to re-establish boundaries at school. The last thing you want is them expecting to come to parents evening!

HiJenny35 · 24/06/2019 23:22

This is not an issue. They were kind and it's a nice gesture. It's doesn't overstep any imaginary line, they thanked her for being kind to their grandchild. I have no idea why you put the thing about him being a baby and her crying in, for goodness sake she had just a a grandchild, memories of having her child and live moving on she was emotional, not only reserved for the person who has given birth, she didn't handle it well but that was several years ago let it go. You really are giving her a very hard time.

CJsGoldfish · 24/06/2019 23:23

@oldbitch that made me tear up. Best post ever and I couldn't agree any more if I tried.

I feel like this post should be pinned to the top of every MIL/IL thread.

maddy68 · 24/06/2019 23:25

They sound lovely tbh and you sound a bit odd. Sorry but wanting to see their grandchild the day it's born is normal !

Giving flowers to someone they have contact with and are grateful for their services is normal. Your reaction is not !

PurpleWithRed · 24/06/2019 23:26

Mildly ott but if that’s the worst complaint you have about your PIL just thank your lucky stars.

Chocmallows · 24/06/2019 23:28

I don't think you are odd, my DM and MIL (who I don't even see or get on with) have never gifted in my place and not said anything.

Girlking · 24/06/2019 23:30

@oldbitch very true wise advice 👌🏻

Skiphoppa · 24/06/2019 23:33

Far too tired to write a full response as should really be sleeping instead of scrolling. I agree with you this would annoy me and in my boundaries/views they would have over stepped the mark. I have had lots of hate on here for what I believe boundaries/ right / wrong thing are when it comes to Parents and in-laws I just think we all have different views.

TheHopefulTraveller · 24/06/2019 23:37

That was very eloquent oldbitch and I agree with lots of it, but I often think that people who advise tolerance on threads like this mustn't really have experienced the utter energy sink of dealing with controlling relatives. In particular, I feel like stern reminders that 'these are your husband's parents' (as another pp said) often miss the point - which is that often difficult GPs were not very good parents either. Sometimes the dreaded DIL can be all that stands between her DCs and a bad case of history repeating itself. What the OP describes may sound very anodyne to someone whose own PILs are less oppressive, but the whole point about manipulative behaviour is that it's often subtle and hard to quantify. If I had my time again I would be much less indulgent of grandmotherly melodrama, not more - on both sides of the family - and I certainly don't intend to put any DILs of my own through anything similar.

fiveanddime · 24/06/2019 23:47

I don’t understand the problem, but I was never arsed if my MIL puts sunscreen on my dcs either. She has a key and sometimes when I get up in the morning she is in my kitchen cooking my teenagers a proper breakfast before school. They love her and she loves them and it’s cute af.

LilQueenie · 24/06/2019 23:50

You are correct to think they overstepping the mark. Forget the gifts and stuff the part you need to question is this.

lovely key worker was chatting about how emotional my in-laws had been on Friday while DS was there

Your Ds does not need this emotional overflow. As you said he was excited and now there has been change and I'm not surprised.

As a child I was exposed to over zealous relatives jumping in when they should have controlled themselves better. All that did was leave me keeping quiet about stuff so as not to have them go over the top at any given moment. Case in point - 3 family members going to school to shout at a teacher over a simple thing that I was upset over. They didn't see it the way it was and started on about an innocent remark instead. I didn't wan to go back to school.

When dd was born it happened with her and I had to break contact because the slightest thing set them off in a panic. Oh shes choking! um no she was coughing Hmm It was like they lost control of their emotions and its not really something a child needs to witness.

HermioneMakepeace · 24/06/2019 23:53

You are so lucky. My PIL couldn't give a flying fuck about our DC. They only live down the road and we see them probably 4 times a year.

Please count your blessings.

Windyone · 24/06/2019 23:54

If your in-laws have been over bearing since birth why on earth have you involved them in any kind of childcare?

saraclara · 24/06/2019 23:59

I can see how the emotionality would be really annoying though. I was always at pains to be matter of fact and calm about changeor stressful situations with my kids. If someone was getting all emotional and making them think there was something to worry or stress about, I would be pretty angry.

happyhillock · 25/06/2019 00:02

I wouldn't have a problem with that, they were thanking the key worker for looking after there DGS, i really don't see an issue here, they obviously love him to bits

happyhillock · 25/06/2019 00:10

@oldbitch. you brought a tear to my eyes, my MIL was the same with my 2 DD's loved to spoil them even though i often objected, they were in there late 20's when she died and were heart broken, they still speak of her often and still miss her

Iconapop · 25/06/2019 00:15

OldBitch that was very beautiful - and words to try and live by. Thank you.

welshsoph · 25/06/2019 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomZahramay · 25/06/2019 06:52

OP, did they pay for your DS to go to nursery? If so, they have a right to thank the staff that they've paid for.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 06:53

This alone wouldn’t bother me, but they sound generally like boundary testers so I see why it made you uncomfortable in that context.

Isatis · 25/06/2019 07:05

I agree that people commenting on here seem to be missing the point almost deliberately. It's not so much the present, it's that by being emotional in front of DS they've planted in his mind the idea that this is something to be sad about, hence the fact that he's now showing signs of worrying about leaving. In OP's shoes, I'd be seriously worried about them making the start of school a much bigger deal than it needs to be. It does also suggest that they're over-invested.

I'd say it's time to get them to step back a bit, and definitely don't involve them in school pick-ups.

mrsmuddlepies · 25/06/2019 07:09

There was a post on here a few weeks ago which I think reflected the views of many DILS on MN. A mother always whispered in her daughter's ear 'marry an orphan', or, simply do what many women do, just pretend your PILS don't exist.
A DIL posted yesterday that she was going to ask her PILS, who she was very low contact with and didn't much like, to fund her son through university. She wanted their money but not a relationship.
YABU to dislike them so much for loving your son and wanting to be involved in his life.

stucknoue · 25/06/2019 07:33

It's a lovely if somewhat over the top gesture. Just let it go, no harm.

Swipe left for the next trending thread