Have MIL and FIL overstepped?

[giftquandry]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed and name change in case outing. MIL and FIL have been overbearing since the birth of DS. For example when DS was newborn we received a phone call from MIL on the Saturday night asking to see us the next day and when we said we were busy there were tears and told 'well I just hope he knows us then'. Not what we needed at that point in time as we were exhausted and dealing with a refluxy baby that never slept.
So to last Friday. In-laws were doing their last pick-up at nursery before DS starts school in August and have been talking about how emotional they are about. I've been playing it down as DS doesn't need to deal with an adult's emotions about it. He's been fine but this weekend starting showing signs of nerves and worry rather than the previous excitement. Then, when I picked him up today his lovely key worker was chatting about how emotional my in-laws had been on Friday while DS was there and how they had given her flowers and a card with a lovely message. She was so thankful about it and all I could say was 'wow, how lovely' as I was shocked that they would take it upon themselves to do that and not say anything.

They obviously know that DH and I wouldn't want them to do that as they haven't mentioned the gift to us. DH is on the same page as me, thinking that it oversteps boundaries, it's not their place to be thanking the nursery and even my Grandmother-IL has told my MIL to not be so emotional as our DS is not her DS.
I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions on this as I would like to get into a good place about it but feel very uncomfortable. They are also good people but drive us batty with their lack of boundaries.

@stayathomer I can't have explained clearly what our problem was with the phone call. It was understandable that they wanted to see their GS but it was the reaction when we said no (crying and emotional blackmail) that we objected to and the expectation that we would drop everything to see them with such little notice.

I get where you're coming from and maybe this is as much about the future as about what has happened.

My DM likes to build up relationships with people in my life and my childrens' to the point where I am nudged out of the loop. It's not massively harmful and most people just think she's a bit odd but it is irritating and can feel a little controlling.

I have never said anything but it did affect which occasions she was invited to to some extent. Maybe you will end up doing the same.

No, I get it, OP. My PILs were a bit like this, including the sobbing down the phone when we didn't instantly hand our firstborn over for MIL to drool over within hours of the birth ("why-y-y are you trying to keep him away from meeeeee?").

I think you can afford to roll your eyes and move on, as your DF suggests, as long as you feel confident in your own mind that this isn't altogether normal (although very common, if MN is anything to go by) and that it's OK, and even desirable, to draw boundaries and maintain them firmly if the nonsense gets too much.

I would avoid regular commitments and routines that are going to cause upset if you change or vary them in the future, be brisk if there's excessive emotion and drama surrounding individual occasions like this thing about starting school for instance, and be ready for them if (when!) they get pushy about making demands you don't want to go along with. If you enjoy a good MIL thread, you'll know there's no limit to the outrages that some mums have to put up with, so learn from those and be grateful your own MIL isn't as bad as the worst of them...

Bit OTT of the ILs. Embarrassing for them, almost as if they’re trying to show you up. OTOH they have been helping you out so prob best just to let it wash over you.

Here’s a novel idea; what’s wrong with you also buying the keyworker a gift if that’s what you want to do? Nothing wrong with keyworker receiving gifts from all people involved in your ds life. I just find it bizarre that some dil’s pick and choose what oversteps boundaries - free childcare which involves huge involvement in DCs every day life is of course absolutely fine but buying a keyworker a small gift means they’re over invested and massive boundary issue.

May I ask OP, have you and your dh thanked the keyworker and nursery personally.

Embarrassing for them, almost as if they’re trying to show you up.

Rubbish. They love their GC, they've picked him up regularly enough to have got to know his key worker, and they wanted to say thank you to her. I've had similar relationships with grandparents and wouldn't for a moment find it odd or think they were trying to show up the parents if they gave me a gift (I'm trying to remember if any did - I certainly got thank you cards from them)

@livelovebehappy the childcare was their choice which we've always been grateful for and made sure they're aware of our gratitude, but it has been on their terms and rightly so. We were happy for DS to be in nursery when necessary. We initially asked for them to take him more but they wanted to enjoy their retirement so said they wouldn't. DH and I were happy with that too.

I had already organised a gift and card for the nursery worker. I don't feel that their gift takes anything away from ours.
I disagree that people pick and choose what oversteps boundaries. From the range of replies I can see that some would be comfortable with the gesture and some would not. I think it's about people being unique individuals with different limits and ways of viewing things rather than picking and choosing. We are all entitled to feel whatever way we want about things, it's how we react outwardly that counts.

@OhTheRoses we have a gift and card organised to be given on his last day.

Unless there’s a huge back story here then I can’t see anything wrong. It sounds like they built a relationship with his key worker and wanted to say thank you. I don’t understand why you’d feel put out really.

Are you annoyed that they’ve taken the limelight away from you? Not that they have, if you want to give her a present I’m sure she’d appreciate it.

I don’t understand why some DILs feel so threatened by their inlaws.

As a grandparent, I'd probably ask you if you were buying a thank you present and offer to contribute. But I don't see that they did anything wrong. They're allowed to show they care. Different if they'd presented it as from you all and stopped you doing your own thing.

Personally, I'd be grateful that they care and bite your tongue. Grandparents aren't around forever and when you look back on this, it won't matter. I would be more worried about the emotional over reaction and the possibility that you child will pick up negative vibes about school.

That would be worth a conversation if it gets out of hand.

I am sure the nursery feel them as overbearing as you do tbh!

I don't think they have over stepped. There is nothing stopping you also getting a card and flowers as your own thank you. Be glad that your DS has such doting grandparents who want to enrich his life.

I think it's lovely they did this. And while I get them being overly emotional after DS was born was a it much, I'm surprise it's still bothering you years later. We all do things that rub people the wrong way. I would overlook this.

It might have been better for them not to have given the gift, but in the end it's no big deal.

What I would feel does need stopping is all this over emotional behaviour-almost showing off. It's the last thing a child needs- calmness and kindness, not self indulgent near hysteria.

But I really doubt you are going to change them, so in future maybe they need fewer opportunities to indulge in all this absurd over-emoting with your child.

It's the sort of thing my parents would have done when my DCs were younger. They'd have done it in a martyr-ish way and thinking that I probably wouldn't get a decent gift, so they'd had no choice but to buy something suitable. Just one of the many things they did to undermine me. I'm now non contact with them for a variety of reasons, the undermining being one of said reasons!

Does you MIL undermine you? If she does then I can totally understand where you are coming from on this issue.

I would have dearly loved my children to have been blessed with a caring relative. As you say they have a great bond and that is fabulous. Coming from someone who wasn’t blessed with in laws or relatives that were interested in my children I can only say be grateful. Flowers to the key worker is kind. Don’t read into it.

TBH unless you are going to drip fed something big you sound hard work. The key worker will no doubt be happy to get two presents.

They've done nothing wrong but I totally get this.

It's the grandparents behaving like the parents thing. Comes from a good place of wanting to help and an inability to step away from the role of parent in the group. Not worth bringing up though. Everyone gets hurt and in the end, as the child grows up, they get the message.

My dd told my mil off for producing factor 50 sun cream and slathering her in it at a family wedding. 'Your not my mum. Mummy has put it on already!' I had waited 5 years for that moment. Worth the wait!

You can't control your in laws wanting to say thank you to the people who they feel stoked about because they gave stand out care to grandchildren that they love. That's you pissing on your turf, chill out and accept the oldies care for what it is, GREAT for the kids and the care giving people who come into contact with YOUR nice family. MY MIL was the most enthusiastic pain in the arse ever, she wore white at my wedding, read a massive prayer and cried, cut the crusts off my sons sarnies, we called her 'Granny once more' as a pejorative because she literally 'ruined' him with horrendous spoiling EVERY time he spent time with her and do you know what he bloody loved it and she loved him and she is now pushing 80 odd and knackered and he is 20 and towering and they still adore each other and he takes her for dinner at nice restaurants and she dresses up and what's to hate about that?

Yeah yeah it's so easy to get so pissy over stupid nothings with in laws 'overstepping' or whatever but they get ancient and close to death and our kids grow up and become the oldies young tonic and reason to smile and essentially it all boils down to GET OVER THE EGO... time is passing as you bitch about nothing and all our lives are dribbling through our hands like sand.
Be the person who looks forward to the kids being 20 and visiting the Nan and Gramps who 'overstepped' with a square mile of (sometimes very annoying) elder love.
I'm now dreading my MIL passing away because my big strapping engineering son's heart will be broken into little bits to lose 'Granny once more'. And if I'm honest mine will a bit too.

These are your husbands parents. Just remember that when your daughter in law doesn’t let you see your brand new grandchild and you have to phone to ask to see them.

Your IL sound like very friend caring people. As they don’t work they probably have more time to talk to the care workers etc than us working parents. They have built up a relationship with the nursery and it is coming to an end. A big step for them as they realise they are getting older too. Stop trying to distant your ILs from their son. It will backfire one day.

I think the flowers and the card were a nice gesture. My issue would be if their emotional outbursts were negatively impacting the way your DS feels about starting school.

They sound OTT.
My DC will be changing classes soon and I'm getting the one still in primary school teacher a gift. He will give it to the the teacher on the last day. This is usual. If my mum or MIL, who also pickup from the school dropped a gift in now and didn't tell me I would find that weird.

If they did it and said "oh we passed X in as the teacher has been lovely", I'd still wonder why they didn't say before.

I think the not saying and the emotional anxiety that could cause issues. It's all about them and not about your child or you!