My DD's friend's parents

[notanotherfucker]

My dd has a friend local to us, she is a lovely lass and she stays here most days. For the past few weeks we have fed her tea she's slept over most nights.

I don't mind as she seems to really like being here but her parents don't seem to mind, is this a bit odd?

Thanks, the other thing is my dd onky has a single bed so they get a bit cramped so I usually give them my double and I sleep in the kids bed.

I don't think the parents would appreciate me fostering her, even though they don't care.

As the parents were out with no warning, I think that would now be a legitimate reason to contact the school safeguarding team and hopefully get some kind of investigation. It’s terrible that she’s caring for the younger children. Maybe they would now be considered more at risk as she’s not there to look after them.

Please do speak to the DSL at school. List all the things you've done and she has said as factually as possible. They won't tell you anything (or they shouldn't) but it could just be another piece in a jigsaw about the child and her family. Neglect is still considered a safeguarding issue so depending on her circumstances, it is definitely worth bringing to someone's attention.

I would absolutely be raising this with the safeguarding team at school. The child is 12 and is effectively neglected.
I find this really shocking. 12 years old.

Aww, I haven't got anything else useful to add, but you sound lovely OP

She's come over now saying her stepmum has sent her as her dad is away for tonight and she can't cope with her. How rude that's a week in a row now... She's begging me to stay

Says her mum has told her to come here tonight, and that means feeding her etc

I think you need to go round there now and speak to them.
Say you are happy to have her but can they make a contribution towards food etc

I just can't believe the cheek, I think we are going to have to say no tonight 😌

The parents aren't approachable

Are you sure that she's telling the exact truth?

I think you need to call SS. Especially because there are younger ones involved and drug use. They sound like they are not meeting parental obligations and need support.

I'd contact school safeguarding team - she doesn't sound looked after.

I had a friend I'd go to visit and I barely ever saw her Mum. We were in year 7 too and looked after her sister who was 6ish?

I didn't realise how odd it was at the time. She had mental health problems and a history of DV.

I hope you can be there for this girl - she really needs an adult who cares.

What makes the parent unapproachable ? You need to go around and knock on the door and try to have a conversation. Until you've checked that box, they are not unapproachable, they've just not been approached

Do you think we should keep her again then? I really don't like the way her parents just assume,... That we will feed her and house her. Its such a tricky situation. I said to myself earlier I wasn't going to, I just can't believe the parents here.

Are you sure shes not playing you, she wants to eat, sleep, join activities at your house? Has she seen how good your DD has it, enjoys your family life/structure and wants to be part of it? If her parents are neglectful, have a lot of kids, cramped house, no set meal times shes probably wiser than her years, kids like that grow up quickly. She could be telling her parents that you or your Dd have asked her for tea, sleepover or whatever and they may be glad to get rid of one of them for a while. The fact that they are not checking with you makes me suspect she is telling them that you're ok with it. "My mums out so I cant go home" is a classic that iv heard many times with my DD friends.

@notanotherfucker

Can you answer the questions people are asking though to try to help you ?

What makes the parent unapproachable ? You need to go around and knock on the door and try to have a conversation. Until you've checked that box, they are not unapproachable, they've just not been approached

I'd speak to the safeguarding lead at the school. Something isn't right if the parents aren't questioning where she is (or allowing her to spend so much time away from home).

Yes I'd let her stay.

Not for the parents sake, but hers.

I'd contact the school safeguarding team and SS. If they are struggling so much they may appreciate it 🤷‍♀️

Difficult. I would keep her for tonight and then you have to put on your big girl pants and approach the parents. Bit think of a positive way of approaching them. "Just wanted to say that your dd is lovely and a great friend to my dd. My names X. (And by the way, can I have your mobile number in case there's ever a problem, whilst she is with us?")

It's lovely that she has such a close friendship with your dd and that you can look out for her, but you are clearly recognising that it can't go on forever. Eating/sleeping at your house most nights is a lot to take on. You will want to draw some boundaries, and say no sometimes - it's easier if you have at least spoken to the parents.

However, neglect is a recognised form of abuse. You do need to flag it up with the school, as that is the point of safeguarding - bringing together small(ish) warning signs so that if major concerns develop, someone is on the radar, not being ignored. (I'd mention the amount of time away from home, the lack of contact with the parents, and, since it seems to trouble her, the fact that she shares a bedroom with 3 younger siblings.)

This story isn’t totally adding up. I’m not sure if the young girl is being completely honest. You said you walk past their house every day and see them sitting outside yet you haven’t had a conversation with them? They must know who you are.

You need to speak to the step mom directly, not through the 12yr old.
Once you have assessed and seen the situation yourself you will know for certain whether 12yr old is telling truth or exaggerating.
If the situation is as bad as you think you need to call SS immediately.

Yes you also need to inform the school.

I'm a social worker in child protection. Absolutely you need to refer this in. Your concerns are valid and may lead to a family assessment being done. If parents are smoking weed a lot they are not parenting properly putting the children at risk of harm. They may be offered support for their drug use, general parenting etc or it could be escalated. Either way please speak to someone. I'd be surprised if they weren't already known to children's services but a new referral will help build an up to date picture of their life at home.