MIL wants them all wearing the same dress for the wedding next year

[Whatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup]

I'll keep this as new if as possible and try not to drop feed but some thing isn't sitting right with this idea my MIL has got in her head.

I get on well with MIL on the world I've had to put my foot down on a couple of minor things and be assertive when it comes to boundaries but I consider our relationship pretty good. I get on with DHs family pretty ok in general, no dramas or falling outs or anything like that.
The wedding is between DHs brother and his DP. I've only met the brother a handful of times even though I've been with DH a few years, I've met his wife to be even less and don't really know her. As yet there are no plans for bridesmaids or flowers girls at the wedding. Due to travel and work issues we are actually uncertain whether we can even make the wedding yet, The brother is aware of this and is understanding.

My DD has a quite a bit older half sister and a quite a bit younger cousin who MIL wants to take shopping nearer the wedding when colour schemes have been decided, to ensure they are all wearing matching dresses in the chosen colour scheme. My self and DP are expected to pay for the dresses for our DDs.

AIBU to not want this? I don't want to pay for a dress I havnt chosen. None of the children are bridesmaids and if I were the bride I'm not sure i would be happy with it either. Surely they will end up being mistaken for bridesmaids or flowers girls on the day? I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and I don't want to make a deal out of it if the general consensus is to leave MIL to it..

NO

Don't do this - bad guy or not. Be the bloody bad guy.

Your MIL sounds quite nasty here and if you are not careful you absolutely will find yourself right in the middle of one of those horrible family fall-outs that you say so far you've never had.

Yes, it's quite obvious that your MIL doesn't like your SIL to be. She's been told there will be no bridesmaids at her son's wedding and she doesn't like it, and so she's planning to show SIL to be that she'll have her GDDs/GNs as 'bridesmaids' in all but name and fuck her.

I cannot say how much I would absolutely put my foot down here. Your SIL to be is going to be furious, whether she shows it or not, and if she knows you knew that there were no bridesmaids planned and your daughter turns up looking like one you are going to get the blame too, as well as your DH.

I would spell this out VERY clearly to Disney Dad and make it clear that it's highly likely that this will end in real bad feeling between your family and that of his brother. If you know that MIL dislikes SIL to be, he must too. And YES I would get in touch with Sil- it isn't unusual at all - you have a specific question to ask her about the wedding, so it's fine. Don't leave it to your DH if you think he'll brush it off.

'Hi Sil to be, how are things? We're really looking forward to the wedding, hope the planning is going well. I'm just contacting you to check something out. There's been a suggestion of DD/DSD/N wearing matching dresses to the wedding, but I know you aren't having bridesmaids so I'm concerned that matching outfits would make them look too bridesmaidy. If you could let me know what you think, I can make sure to steer them in the right direction, such as either keeping away from the wedding theme colour or making sure they choose different styles/dresses. Hope that sounds ok? Best wishes, XXX'

As for MIL, there will be nothing she can say to the following - 'Thanks MIL but we checked it out with the wedding party and they'd rather no matching dresses, so we'll go for completely different things. If you'd like to come shopping with me that would be great!'

:) checkmate.

Oh and while 'be normal' is a FAB bit of advice, also remember - WEDDINGS MAKE PEOPLE FEEL VERY NOT NORMAL.

Oh and super easy to send the text 'for SIL' to the brother's phone, FAO sil.

Is there a compromise where dsd and mil still get to go shopping, and have a lovely time, but you get some kind of veto on the dress, so it’s absolutely not bridesmaid-y? Especially if you then buy the smaller dd something completely different?

I'm surprised at a girl 8 years older than an other wanting to wear the same outfit. Assuming the younger girls are toddlers that makes the older one 10 or 11.

MIL may well struggle to find something that actually suits. Is she planning the same dress for herself and have them like Mini - me's?

With things so uncertain I'd go for your approach thus far and keep being breezily non-committal - we're sadly not sure if we'll be able to attend yet and of course DD is growing so quickly at the moment, we'd hate to get her excited for a dress she might to be able to wear etc etc.

No need for a falling out about something that might not even happen.

I too had stealth bridesmaids - apparently the children had been told they would be - first thing I knew was at the reception!
If MIL wants them dressed the same for photos do it fit her birthday or Christmas present and get a picture - not by hijacking someone else’s wedding!

Don't understand why this is even on the agenda if you are not even sure that you are going to the wedding?

Why can't your DH ring MIL up and tell her that its a ridiculous idea? Why do the men always escape this sort of thing?

Ok I think I need to have a chat with DH and spell out why I don't think it's ok they all look the same.
Next time MIL brings it up I think I'm just going to have to be honest and firm that I'm not ok with it. It may just be another scenario where I just need to be firm on boundaries and it does sound like she's crossing them in this instance.
She told me the shop she was planning on going and it's a shop that sells only occasion and bridesmaid dresses from birth to early teens so there is no way really she's getting a non bridesmaids type dress from that particular shop.

Your update does suggest MIL is going for the stealth bridesmaid look. I agree as chat with DH to spell it out is good.

I think you should say "Actually MIL, I was thinking about that - it's a lovely idea but I'd worry people would think we were trying to make a point about them not being bridesmaids. I'd be mortified to think people were talking about you and me behind our backs, so let's not do that in case we look a bit silly". Then, if you're ok with it, say you were planning to buy the girls' outfits in X shop and ask if she'd like to tag along on the trip (phrasing it to make sure it's clear it's your trip and your purchase).

I think it would be ok for your DH's girls to be in similar styles and/or colours, I've often seen siblings dressed like this for weddings. But all three in flower girl dresses, no no no.

I always had a policy to work though my husband in disagreements with the PILs, but in hindsight I wish I had just sorted things out by myself a bit more.
In this situation I would just reply thanking her for her kind offer, but you do not want to do that. Just shut it down with a flat no thanks. It's obviously wrong to anybody who is half reasonable so don't worry about saying no.
If you normally text her do it by text. If you normally phone her, I'd call when you know she is out and leave a brief phone message.
Don't involve SIL - I am sure she is stressed enough. Just deal with it politely and quietly in the background.

MIL doesn't particularly like soon to be SIL either so it did cross my mind that perhaps MIL has some ulterior motive behind sending 'bridesmaids' and I'm not sure i want caught up in that drama. MIL is clearly trying to cause drama. Tell her categorically the girls will not be in matching dresses as you think it is inappropriate for them to dress up like bridesmaids when they aren't, and you're perfectly happy that they aren't. Repeat and do not budge.

Tell her you want herself & you to wear matching dresses! Every time she mentions the girls, just bring that up! Hopefully that will put her off

It does sound like she's trying to muscle in on their wedding arrangements, and getting you to pay for it. Annoying!

You absolutely have to say no to this. She is definitely planning on having her grandchildren as stealth bridesmaids. Can you speak with the mother of the cousin as well so you both can present a United front though if she is her daughter that may prove awkward depending on her relationship with her mother.

This will upset the bride and I am sure you do not want to be any part of it. Your DH needs to realise how upsetting it would be when the bride realises that her 3 new nieces are dressed like flowergirls/bridesmaids going against how she envisioned her day.

In that case, if you don't know the B2B very well, your DH will have to talk to his DB about it.
You MIL can't dress them as 'bridesmaids' without the bride and groom knowing, it's ridiculous and totally overstepping the mark.

She told me the shop she was planning on going and it's a shop that sells only occasion and bridesmaid dresses from birth to early teens so there is no way really she's getting a non bridesmaids type dress from that particular shop.

She's being a cow.

Word of advice - if you want your children to be close with their future cousins, and for your generation of the family to get on (you, DH, his bro, SIL) I'd make it subtly clear to your BIL/SIL that you aren't 'Team MIL' . Forge your own relationship and don't let MIL drive a wedge.

So in short, the b&g want no bridesmaids
Mil doesn't like the bride
Mil plans to dress the girls in matching dresses (at your expense)
She plans to go to a shop where they sell occasion/bm dresses so it's likely they will be bm dresses.
She's told your SD in order to push you into agreeing
Your dh has no spine?

Lot of issues there. You definitely need to speak to dh and tell dd pre-emptive that if you go you will have a mum and daughter day to choose both your outfits. That is so she can't use dd to guilt you like SD. If SD is old enough (teens), i would tell her you and dd are choosing on a day out, you are (if you are) very happy if she wants to join too and have a day the three of you but you won't be matching because only the bridal party should match and none of you are part of it.

If the main thrust of MILs wishes was simply an innocent wish for the girls to all 'bond' and look cute in the same clothes she wouldn't be waiting to hear what the colour scheme of the wedding is, and she wouldn't be intending the dresses to come from a bridal party shop!

In my opinion you should try and come to a firm conclusion about weather you are going to this wedding asap. If you're not then you can forget all about it.

If you are going then the very very best and correct thing to do, when it's next mentioned, would be to politely explain to MIL that you've done some thinking and would rather not have the DCs in matching outfits because it will look as if they are bridesmaids and the bride doesn't want bridesmaids. Say it as if you think she hadn't thought of that. She'll probably back down. If not - time to get very blunt about it.

It's a power-grab by stealth, OP, and is a really controlling and quite unpleasant act. It's transparent - albeit extremely manipulative - and it's also divisive in its attempt to use you as a pawn to stampede over the boundaries of her other soon-to-be DiL. Unfortunately, when people have these tendencies weddings are apt to bring them out, and spoiling someone else's special day seems to be egg and milk to these types.

Please don't allow her to make you a party to this. It will alienate your BiL and his soon-to-be wife, and once MiL has manged to pull off one successful piece of manipulation it will only encourage her to try more of this in the future.

I'm sorry for both of you, having to deal with a such a devious piece of work as a MiL.

I would be so annoyed if my MIL did this to me on my wedding day.

The bride does need to know about this. She needs to know what she's up against, and she also needs to know that she has an ally in you, so you must contact her. Don't leave it up to your DH, who will downplay it, as he's been trained to do by his mother.

I don't normally suggest this, but I think you should show him this thread, with the majority saying this is wrong, and then maybe, he'll finally realise that this isn't "cute", it's a powerplay by your MIL to put SIL in her place. It will also alienate her from having a good relationship with you and him, as she'll think you were ok with it, and don't like her.

Get this sorted.

Next time she mentions it say honestly
No, I've had a think and I don't want the girls to look like bridesmaids when SIL is clear she doesn't want any. I wouldn't want it to look like we're taking over SIL's wedding, would you?

Your mother'n'law is trying to crash the wedding party with her own team of bridesmaids - how weird! She must be annoyed the bride did not choose anyone from her side of the family.