MIL wants them all wearing the same dress for the wedding next year

[Whatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup]

I'll keep this as new if as possible and try not to drop feed but some thing isn't sitting right with this idea my MIL has got in her head.

I get on well with MIL on the world I've had to put my foot down on a couple of minor things and be assertive when it comes to boundaries but I consider our relationship pretty good. I get on with DHs family pretty ok in general, no dramas or falling outs or anything like that.
The wedding is between DHs brother and his DP. I've only met the brother a handful of times even though I've been with DH a few years, I've met his wife to be even less and don't really know her. As yet there are no plans for bridesmaids or flowers girls at the wedding. Due to travel and work issues we are actually uncertain whether we can even make the wedding yet, The brother is aware of this and is understanding.

My DD has a quite a bit older half sister and a quite a bit younger cousin who MIL wants to take shopping nearer the wedding when colour schemes have been decided, to ensure they are all wearing matching dresses in the chosen colour scheme. My self and DP are expected to pay for the dresses for our DDs.

AIBU to not want this? I don't want to pay for a dress I havnt chosen. None of the children are bridesmaids and if I were the bride I'm not sure i would be happy with it either. Surely they will end up being mistaken for bridesmaids or flowers girls on the day? I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and I don't want to make a deal out of it if the general consensus is to leave MIL to it..

I think it sounds cute. My DD have cousins of similar ages and they used to love all wearing the same thing (in fact they are approaching 30 now and still do - they have matching Xmas jumpers we bought years ago and they all wear them for Christmas dinner most years).

If the bride is ok with it I don’t see a problem but if you really hate the idea just say so.

Contact SIL to be.I agree with stealth bridesmaids, I have actually witnessed something similar.

An adult only wedding where the MoB invited a friend, her friend's husband and friend's dd who was about 5 to the evening do and dd arrived in a bridesmaid dress, the bride had cousins the same age who were not invited.

Ah, she is pissed off the bride hasn't chosen bridesmaids from your brother's side (any at all!) and is choosing to see it as a slight against "her" family. Don't be a participant!

SIL doesn’t need to be dragged into this drama

Cut MIL plans before it even becomes a thing - family fall out avoided

Snitch on MIL to the bride. Then you’ll know whether bride is okay with it or not.

DH is a bit of a Disney dad in this respect, he'll see me as the one causing the problem and I'll be left looking like the bad guy ruining plans.

Well, if you seriously can’t get your DH to understand the problem here, then it’s really not your MIL that you have the issue with!

Might be worth mentioning it to your dh and explaining exactly what the issue is. Not really your problem though if your mil annoys her new dil.

It's a bit odd ans also I'd she wants to chose the dresses she should offer to pay. I think it's rude to say I want to take your child shopping, choose the dress but you have you pay for it!

Dh isn't going to understand this. Personally I wouldn't want lots of BMs so I'd be embarrassed if I got stealth BMs. Real risk of upsetting the bride. Just keep saying no then get your own dresses and dont tell MIL what but def not in the colour scheme.

Think its really cheeky asking you to pay if she wants to take them shopping.

Talk to your dh. Say sil said no bridesmaids, if our dds are dressed in matching outfits it will look like trying to shoehorn flower girls in because we think they should be there and don’t care what they think even though it’s their wedding. I barely know sil and I am not going to ruin this relationship right st the start like this. If you go along with it, I reserve the right to not see your family again given you are happy to make me look like an asshole to them.

A conversation is needed with the groom (and bride) have they said to mil that she an have the gc's as bridesmaids? If not it's a very odd thing to do

I think it would be a good idea to speak to DH's brother and his wife to be to get a general feel if they know about it and if it's what they want. If not, then yanbu to want to choose outfits for your DDs within your own budget. Unless they're toddler age, I'd also be giving them a couple of choices and get them involved as part of the excitement for the upcoming event and so they look forward to wearing something nice they'e had a say in.

this is exactly a good reason to reach out to the bride and check she is ok with this.
'hi, congratulations on your wedding, hope the plans are coming along nicely and thankyou for your understanding that we can't confirm just yet. We are really hoping to work things out and that we will be there. The reason I'm getting in touch is I want to check you are aware of MIL's plans to get the 3 girl cousins dressed in the same outfit in your chosen colour scheme. I'm a bit nervous about agreeing as they will look like bridesmaids and I remember you saying that you don't want bridesmaids at xmas. Can you let me know if you are ok with this before I talk to the girls or MIL about this, as I will happily stop the idea if you don't want this kind of thing at your wedding.'

For heavens ssake - just say no!

No one gets to choose what your DCs wear to a wedding, apart from you!

I imagine dc more excited about going out and buying a dress, rather three matching outfits.

You definitely need to speak to the bridal couple and tip them off about mil’s intentions. I’d be furious if I was the bride (or groom) and turned up at the wedding to find three nieces wearing matching outfits in that situation. The mil is really stepping over boundaries here. It’s not her wedding, and she doe#n’t get to decide.

Promise your dc a fun day shopping and pampering so they can choose their own outfits nearer the day.

Theres a chance your MIL may not have thought this through and realised it might upset the bride. I would say something to her if she mentions it again.

Have never heard of 'stealth bridesmaids'....but it sums it up!
Is this likely to be the only family wedding where MIL could enjoy seeing grandchildren together as bridesmaids? Sounds like she could be frustrated at the bride's decision not to have bridesmaids - which seems to be an increasingly popular one, and can save a lot of stress all round! Drowningincustard's suggestion seems perfect...friendly and tactful. Show your DH this thread too!

I vote for being honest with your MIL. Let her know if they are all dressed the same they will look like stealth bridesmaids and that's not ok.

Drop MIL in the shit with the bride and give her a heads up. If my monster in law was planning something like this, I’d want to know. (My MIL is tricky)

Actually, I sort of get where your MIL is coming from. She wants her 3 gds to look the same so wants to buy them matching outfits. The gds seem to want this too. Here's what I'd do if I were you. Arrange a shopping day with yourself, MIL and the girls. Set the budget beforehand, and steer clear of bridesmaid dresses. That way, the girls get what they want and MIL gets what she wants without making them stealth bridesmaids.

It really doesn’t matter that you don’t know the sil much, you do need to get the couple to confirm it’s ok. In this case, I’d text your bil at the very least and get a reply by text (ie in writing) that they’re ok with this idea. Your mil may be stirring as she doesn’t like your sil.

Anecdotally when dd was a baby John Lewis accidentally priced up a bridesmaids dress at £2.20 instead of £22. I obviously bought it. We hardly ever go to weddings but we did when dd was 3 and coincidentally the (age 5) dress fitted. I got dh to check with the couple (his friend) twice that it was deffo fine to wear the dress. They didn’t have any bridesmaids either. Dd was kept well away from them and didn’t appear in any photos etc so as not to look like a stealth bridesmaid.

All that to say the couple may not mind as long as the children are told how to behave and kept away from the photos unless it’s a full family one.

Why bother contacting the bride? She probably has enough shot to deal with!! Just don’t do it. Be normal.

Am loving "Be normal" . That could jst be used on so many threads!

It would be ridiculous for the OP to contact the bride. Just make her look like some kind of interfering loon, and as if she was trying to get the bride to let the girls be bridesmaids. OP just needs to explain to her dh why it is so inappropriate, then either leave him to have the conv with SD (or have it herself, depending on relationship) and leave it there. It is clearly a ludicrous thing for MiL to be suggesting. People who are saying to contact the bride seem to just want to be creating a drama where there doesn't need to be one.

"Be normal", people.

If I was the bride, hell, I'd want to know! And I would definitely be staving this off.
The fact that MIL is trying to match the colour scheme makes it extremely obvious that she's stealth bridesmaiding. It's really not her decision to make, and you really need to spell this out to your DH. Does he really want his daughter to be in the centre of a row on the day? What an awful situation she'd be put in after all the excitement.

I wonder if her aim is to have them identifiable as her granddaughters, with some photos and so on, great memories that bind them together in the future. It could be that, and at least that is not as underhand as stealth bridesmaiding, even if it looks exactly the same from the outside. Ask her if she's thought about how sil will feel if they look like bridesmaids. They could easily choose a dress that doesn't look bridesmaidy at all.

Oh hell no. There's few things worse than a guest dressing their child up like a formal member of the wedding party. DH's cousin dressed hers in page boy and flower girl dresses for ours but it just looked pretty sad a desperate. They were the wrong colour scheme.

Warn your future SIL if you can.