MIL wants them all wearing the same dress for the wedding next year

[Whatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup]

I'll keep this as new if as possible and try not to drop feed but some thing isn't sitting right with this idea my MIL has got in her head.

I get on well with MIL on the world I've had to put my foot down on a couple of minor things and be assertive when it comes to boundaries but I consider our relationship pretty good. I get on with DHs family pretty ok in general, no dramas or falling outs or anything like that.
The wedding is between DHs brother and his DP. I've only met the brother a handful of times even though I've been with DH a few years, I've met his wife to be even less and don't really know her. As yet there are no plans for bridesmaids or flowers girls at the wedding. Due to travel and work issues we are actually uncertain whether we can even make the wedding yet, The brother is aware of this and is understanding.

My DD has a quite a bit older half sister and a quite a bit younger cousin who MIL wants to take shopping nearer the wedding when colour schemes have been decided, to ensure they are all wearing matching dresses in the chosen colour scheme. My self and DP are expected to pay for the dresses for our DDs.

AIBU to not want this? I don't want to pay for a dress I havnt chosen. None of the children are bridesmaids and if I were the bride I'm not sure i would be happy with it either. Surely they will end up being mistaken for bridesmaids or flowers girls on the day? I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and I don't want to make a deal out of it if the general consensus is to leave MIL to it..

She's after making them stealth bridesmaids.

I'd ring SIL to be, tell her what's afoot in a 'don't know if you're aware, and I'm poised to tell MIL no, but just wanted to run it by you in case it is something you've asked for' sort of way. So no heavy handedneas from you, but also not dropping a nasty situation into her lap to deal with.

Nope. You and your DD choose her wedding outfit.
Even if you were to go along with your MIL's plan, it couldn't be without checking with the bride first. That's definitely stealth bridesmaiding, otherwise.

No-one can reasonably claim to be entitled to dictate what wedding guests wear or, in particular, to require them to spend money on clothes they may not like or ever wear again.

When SIL got married, she was hell bent on all the male family members hiring identical three-piece suits, ties etc from a particular hire company which only had one branch 350 miles away from where we live. When she told DH, he simply told her it wasn't going to happen. Had she demanded that we buy specified clothes for the kids, she would have had the same response.

I agree with PP. Shes making them stealth bridesmaids. You read about them on ‘tell Me your worst wedding story’ type threads. Don’t do it!

Stealth bridesmaids, with MIL as the mission commander.

Text SIL and tell her how excited DD is to be a bridesmaid and go dress shopping with grandma... Or just be direct and ask SIL if she knows what MIL is planning.

I’d be furious. What planet is she on ? I’ve had experience of controlling MIL. Tell her she can dress up stupid, but leave your dd s and cousin out of it.

stealth Bridesmaiding That's exactly what this is! It's nuts (but brilliantly cunning and genius!) What does your dh think? Get him to tell his brother and definitely use the words 'stealth bridesmaiding.'

In the short term, waffle something about growth spurts and not wanting to shell out for clothes that might not fit in a few months' time. In the longer term, mention this craziness to your brother and/or his partner and see if they can put a stop to it (which they may want to for their own reasons).

The people getting married decide what the wedding party will wear.
You decide what your children will wear.

I think your MIL had the chance to choose her children's clothes when they were young and now you have the chance to choose your children's clothes. That's how it works.

I'd check with your BIL and the bride-to-be (just innocently, in passing, as it were) because they may already know and have agreed to it. Perhaps they aren't having loads of bridesmaids or flower girls and would like it done this way. Should that be the case then you can give your MIL cash in advance for each dress up to a maximum you are prepared to contribute. If she ends up spending more, then it is down to her.

If the B&G don't know about it or aren't keen on the idea then they can bring it up with your MIL.

I'm often a defender of MiLs on here, but, in this case she is being bonkers.
It would look really weird if the 3 of them turned up in matching dresses if the bride hadn't arranged it / asked them to be bridesmaids.

I would explain to dh what his dm's plans are so he can tell her that unless they are invited as bridesmaids then they should have dresses of their choice.

I can't imagine an older girl agreeing to wear the same or similar dress as a couple of younger family members. My dm had silk smocked dresses hand made for my sister and I when we were 9 and 5. I rarely wore mine. It was beautiful but childish

This happened at my wedding. My DH's cousin's children came dressed in identical dresses. When my mum commented to my DH's grandma that the dresses were nice, she told everyone in the vicinity that 'they were very expensive but were bought them because your daughter didn't ask them to be bridesmaids!'
They were DH's 2nd cousins - I'd only ever met them twice! I thought I was allowed to choose my own bridesmaids!

So I don't really know soon to be SIL so it would be a bit unexpected if I tracked down a contact number for her to ask over the dress situation. She has specifically said there will be no bridesmaids though so I suspect she won't be keen on three kids who she has seen a handful of times rocking impersonating bridesmaids... MIL doesn't particularly like soon to be SIL either so it did cross my mind that perhaps MIL has some ulterior motive behind sending 'bridesmaids' and I'm not sure i want caught up in that drama.

When MIL has mentioned it I've just said I'd sort the outfit situation nearer the time as DD grows so fast and then moved the conversation on. Last week she told SD (the older of the 3) her plans, SD is really excited now. DH isn't really one for dress shopping for a wedding so If it means I'm not dragging him round the shops to get outfits he will quite happily allow MIL to crack on with it. It also probably hasn't clicked about them looking like bridesmaids so I don't think he sees any issue, especially as SD is excited now.

There is an 8 year age gap between the 3, but SD is all for a reason to dress up and will be thrilled if they all look the same. I fear MIL will play on this excitement and I'll end up being the bad guy having to say no they won't all be wearing the same. DH is a bit of a Disney dad in this respect, he'll see me as the one causing the problem and I'll be left looking like the bad guy ruining plans.

To the poster who mention one day MIL will realise she's a prat... 😂 unfortunately there is no way she will come to that conclusion ever!

Explain it to dh, so he can manage SD's expectations.
She needs to have it explained to her that people only wear matching dresses to weddings if they are BMs, and that BMs are people who are very close to the bride ^IF the bride chooses to have BMs, and, you understand that this wedding isn't even having them, so it won't be happening that the three of them wear matching dresses, and that Grandma seems to have got in a bit of a muddle, then move on / change subject.

Accidentally shrink it?
wash it with a red sock?
Ask DD to play outside in it?

Loads of ways round this if tour DH fancies an easy get out route

And if SIL doesn’t want bridesmaids then they shouldn’t be dressed the same - bridesmaids are the females choice not the husbands family

In your shoes I would definitely contact the bride, as it really isn’t fair of your mil putting you and others in this position.

Why bother contacting the bride? She probably has enough shot to deal with!! Just don’t do it. Be normal.

Explain to her that there are bound to be other little girls on the brides side who will think they were not chosen as bridesmaids. Just say the bride explicitly said she would not be doing this, so you don’t want to cause any hurt or offence, therefore your girls will not be wearing matching Outfits.

Hopefully your step daughter is old enough to understand why this could blow up.

Exactly GreenTulips

You can always just not put the dresses on them

Of course you should ring the bride. She deserves a heads up. Also, you haven’t heard it directly from her about not having bridesmaids, right? So it’d be normal to check, given MIL’s idea is straying close to that territory.

I’m sure a call would sort it all out. And set your relationship with new SIL on a positive path. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up needing each other’s help into the future. That MIL sounds like a worry.

I would ask the brother directly. Then do whatever he and the bride want with regards to dressing the kids.

Call her out on it. Next time mil brings it up, reply in a breezy, jokey fashion (and in fromt of dh or other people) “ oh we couldn’t do that, people might thinks it’s stealth bridesmaidsing! We don’t want to upset the bride!”. If she says anything other than “oh I hadn’t thought of they” she will publicly out-twat herself.