To think even 'tapping' a child isn't ok?

[NameChange06]

Sat having a family dinner yesterday with my mum and my 18 month old DD was at at the table with us. She starts playing up halfway through, throwing her food off the table, shouting loudly and just general attention seeking. DD somehow managed to reach over and begin to push a glass place mat off the table. My mother jumped up and stopped her but then grabbed her hand and raised her two fingers as if she was going to smack her hand.

I'm asking AIBU because I am aware that at this age, to an extent, babies/toddlers are aware of their behaviour in trying to push buttons but part of me was horrified because a) the young age (not ok at any age IMO) and b) because my mother insinuated that DD knew what she was playing at and she has to know she can't get away with it and it would have only been a gentle tap.

I am very strongly against any physical punishment regardless of how hard or where it is. The atmosphere here has now become very uncomfortable with my mum even suggesting I should leave the house if this is how i feel as she cant guarantee she wouldn't ever do it.

I would struggle very much living by myself, i work part time but very long hours, id just be breaking even if i sent DD to nursery and would have no-one to do drop offs and pick ups. Do I just let it go so I am able to continue having support and being able to save and carry on applying for better paying jobs or do I go?

I hope this makes sense. FWIW my mother is not a violent or confrontational person, and would never purposely hurt someone. I had a lovely upbringing and have nevet felt any kind of resentment. She adores her grandaughter and is very good with her.

Am I overreacting?

It's sounding pretty fraught there. It sounds very much like a 'say or do in haste, and repent at leisure' type of situation.

How about you and your Mum agree to park this, and talk about it when you're both a bit calmer? And I'm thinking at least a couple of days. . .

Personally if somebody said they couldn't guarantee they wouldn't hit my child, I would seek alternative living arrangements. Your mother can control her actions.

You're the mother, so you get to decide what sanctions are used for your child. However, in this situation, you do need to decide that and then communicate it clearly to your own mother, so that there is consistency between you. For example, poor behaviour at the dinner table is dealt with by turning the child's chair away for a couple of minutes. She's 18 months, she is learning what it means to be deliberately naughty and it's a good time to establish what behaviour is and isn't acceptable. So you do need a plan for that. Giving your mother ways to help you enforce it will make it much less likely that she decides how to do that herself.

So nothing happened by your OP

No way would I live with someone who couldn’t promise to never hit my child, even if it was ‘just a tap’. You are your DDs parent, you get to decide how she is disciplined, not your mother. And 18 months is so young, they don’t really understand any form of discipline at that age.

I would be looking to leave and wouldn’t be using her for any childcare. Not because she went to hit your DD, but because of her reaction after. She is not respecting your choice as your DDs mom. She should have apologised and said of course I won’t hit her.

Is your child going to be more harmed by an occasional tap when she us naughty, but living in a nice home cared for by someone who lives her, or in horrible accommodation cared for by someone who is not invested in her and living in poverty with no prospect of a way out.

Seriously, you're both very het up now, you've both got your Momma Bear on - you because this is your daughter, your Mother because she is feeling judged and questioned by her daughter, and possibly questioning her handling of the situation as well. Retreat to your corners, take some breaths, agree not to speak of it right now, and when you will speak about it, and try and find some common ground.

From what you have said, you had a lovely childhood, your Mum loves your daughter, your daughter loves her, this enables you both to enjoy a far more comfortable lifestyle than you could otherwise.

Don't throw it away over one time when someone was parenting (and therein lies the rub, she's the grandparent, but when they're also doing a lot of childcare, the lines get blurred) differently, from an older style, to how you parent your child (and you're the parent, and yes, you have the final say). See if you can negotiate a common ground and agreed lines in the sand.

Agree with pp you need to have this conversation when you've both calmed down and a few days have passed.

As the child's mother you need to establish what your method of dealing with naughty behaviour is going to be and your mother needs to accept that and respect it.

Why on earth does she feel she can't guarantee that she won't do it again now you've asked her not to, that's not her decision to make.

What exactly does she think is actually going to achieved by 'taping' a small child's hand?

And if a 'tap' doesn't have the desired effect on the child's behaviour will she then feel justified in hitting your child more forcefully until the desired effect is achieved?

I would not be happy about this. And being told I might as well leave because whatever you want she's going to do things her way would really make me question whether I want to stay in this situation.

Thank you everyone for replying, it wasn't the incident as such more the not being able to guarantee she wouldn't ever do it

@bridgetreilly that's a very good point, im still learning myself what works and doesn't work in terms of setting boundaries etc, I'm hoping we can have a calm discussion about what happened. Usually DD gets bored and gives up when she realises I'm not listening to it anyway!

@owwlie Exaxtly my point, it was the reaction to afterwards that upset me. I get that we're all human and sometimes react in the heat of the moment. Though how I would go about living by myself is a whole different thread

@woody68 Exactly who wouldn't be invested in my DD because I am certainly am. Sure, I may struggle to begin with but I have plenty of means to 'get out' of the poverty you've suggested.

@mbosnz I agree with what you're saying, I can see that it may be hard for her too especially with us suddenly living under her roof and much of her life also revolving around the baby so much now if that makes sense? I think i can also get a bit hypersensitive towards anyone commenting on my parenting maybe because of how abusive and critising DDs father was towards me (another whole other story) I ended up having an assessment from social services because of accusations he made against me in the early days.

@pigsDOfly this is what I was trying to get accross to her that a child as young as DD is going to have no clue why that's been done to her and may think that's the norm for her to be hit. Hopefully it will bring itself up in conversation again in the next couple of days so we can discuss

What’s a tap on the hand, for goodness sake, you are being totally unreasonable.

my mum even suggesting I should leave the house if this is how i feel as she cant guarantee she wouldn't ever do it.

That would be me gone OP. On principal. Who wants their child growing up around someone who would say that? Especially if she knows how hard things will be for you alone. Controlling and nasty of her. Leave OP.

I bet she wouldn't fling around suggestions to leave if she thought you would.

We currently live with my parents and 2yo dd, and while both dm and df might tell my dd to stop doing something etc, honestly they would never consider ‘punishing’ her in such a way, or any way really, especially if I was present. I am her mother and I dish out the discipline!!! (well I try )
Maybe you need to set some boundaries with your mum, remind her that while you’re appreciative of her help, she’s your dd and you want to be fully responsible for disciplining her.
Is your Dm particularly stressed atm? It seems like a massive overreaction to what sounds like an average mealtime with an 18 month old!!

Glass place mats and toddlers are,a really bad idea

Imo the trust is broken now. Time to rethink your living arrangements and child care op.

If you don't like it, then move out?

If I lived at my mums house, it would be under her rules. Rightly so.

If you're a big enough girl to have a baby, and don't like your mums rules.... then you're a big enough girl to stand on your own two and move out.

@castleGin Thank you for that observation. I've moved in recently after leaving my abusive ex partner after he finally hit me. After paying of all his debts he then took all my money as well. I've always been extremely independent and if i was able to just move out and not be here then believe me I would. I've been working my arse off to be able to get a deposit for a house which ive very nearly done

@cestlavielife so I've come to realize she usually can't reach the table as its high up but we moved her out of a hugh chair and put a strapped on booster seat type thing on a chair so she could reach the table. We've had to baby proof the house very quickly!

bet she wouldn't fling around suggestions to leave if she thought you would.
You think parents really want their adult child living at home with them🤣

@NameChange06 I'm really truely sorry to hear that.

....but I still think you need to think what's more important. And your mum is still letting you stay in her house, I assume for free?

Living at your mums house where she (rightly) can set the rules. If so, I don't think you have the right to complain what those rules are.

Or if you really do fear for your child's safety, you should leave. There must be another option? Renting, or some form of refuge? A friend?

I am not posting to be mean to you. I am in a similar situation as my parents are out childcare. I hate some of the things they do - far too much chocolate for example. But I wouldn't turn around and tell them off as they'd just tell me to pay for my own alternative childcare, if their free option wasn't to my liking.

It sounds like you’re living at mums and sat by while your daughter was being naughty so your mum disciplined her.
If you don’t like it try parenting your own child before it gets to that point.

Also to add, incase it helps at all, in my opinion a light tap would not be enough to chuck away a free house in the situation you are in. Assuming your mum is kind and loving generally?

BUT you are a different person from me with different boundaries, if you feel it is enough then you should remove yourself and your child from the situation somehow.

she cant guarantee she wouldn't ever do it

So the grown woman declares she has no self control but the 18 month old infant is supposed to be perfectly in control at all times or face physical violence from someone many times her size?

Does your mother have no insight whatsoever?

Violence is wrong. All it teaches is that it's ok to hurt people over whom you have power.

Besides which, a tiny infant cannot know that the huge adult hitting them isn't going to kill them. They don't have the ability to understand that, so it's much more terrifying for them.

Does your mother plan to teach this child not to hit others by hitting her?

Adults hit children because they've lost control of their anger or want to see them suffer. Everything else they may spout about it is just self justification for assault.

Some real charmers on this thread

An 18mo isn't "being naughty" and doesn't need that sort of "discipline"

and staying in someone's house doesn't entitle them to hit your children, or override you in parenting practices

that's nonsense

OP - the sooner you can move out, the better. I'm sure your mum has lots of redeeming qualities, but you can't trust her on this. She's telling you that.

It sounds like you've been to hell and back already. I hope things improve for you and your have your own home with your dd soon.

Some real charmers on this thread

The drop feeding didn't really help with this.