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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even 'tapping' a child isn't ok?

69 replies

NameChange06 · 23/06/2019 18:16

Sat having a family dinner yesterday with my mum and my 18 month old DD was at at the table with us. She starts playing up halfway through, throwing her food off the table, shouting loudly and just general attention seeking. DD somehow managed to reach over and begin to push a glass place mat off the table. My mother jumped up and stopped her but then grabbed her hand and raised her two fingers as if she was going to smack her hand.

I'm asking AIBU because I am aware that at this age, to an extent, babies/toddlers are aware of their behaviour in trying to push buttons but part of me was horrified because a) the young age (not ok at any age IMO) and b) because my mother insinuated that DD knew what she was playing at and she has to know she can't get away with it and it would have only been a gentle tap.

I am very strongly against any physical punishment regardless of how hard or where it is. The atmosphere here has now become very uncomfortable with my mum even suggesting I should leave the house if this is how i feel as she cant guarantee she wouldn't ever do it.

I would struggle very much living by myself, i work part time but very long hours, id just be breaking even if i sent DD to nursery and would have no-one to do drop offs and pick ups. Do I just let it go so I am able to continue having support and being able to save and carry on applying for better paying jobs or do I go?

I hope this makes sense. FWIW my mother is not a violent or confrontational person, and would never purposely hurt someone. I had a lovely upbringing and have nevet felt any kind of resentment. She adores her grandaughter and is very good with her.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
CastleGin · 23/06/2019 23:23

and staying in someone's house doesn't entitle them to hit your children, or override you in parenting practices

You're right. But it was a potential tap, not a hit. There is, rightly or wrongly, by law a difference.

The OP's mum has said, it's my rules or you can leave. That is, rightly or wrongly, her right.

Either the OP needs to accept her mother's rules and can stay. Or must not, and therefore must leave?

Ravingstarfish · 23/06/2019 23:25

An 18mo isn't "being naughty"

I don’t know anyone who would sit by and let their 18mo throw food on the floor, shout and pull off placemats without dealing with the situation.
Personally I don’t agree with smacking/tapping/whatever but if op isn’t willing to do anything about it I can’t blame her mum for stepping in.

ChippingInLowCarbing · 23/06/2019 23:29

There are some right drama queens in this thread. She was going to tap her on the hand not slap her into next week

Besides which, a tiny infant cannot know that the huge adult hitting them isn't going to kill them. They don't have the ability to understand that, so it's much more terrifying for them.

biggest lot of horseshit over a tap on the hand, I’ve ever heard. Wind it in FGS

CastleGin · 23/06/2019 23:33

Thank you for that observation. I've moved in recently after leaving my abusive ex partner after he finally hit me. After paying of all his debts he then took all my money as well. I've always been extremely independent and if i was able to just move out and not be here then believe me I would.

This has wound me up. It reads like to purposefully omitted this from your original post. Once someone (me) said something you didn't like you could throw it in their face to make them (me) look awful and gain more sympathy for yourself. Don't get me wrong, you have my sympathy for what you went through. But it was a manipulative way to drip feed the info.

Original poster
NameChange06 · 23/06/2019 23:34

I didn't mean to drip feed because I didn't think why Im living with my mum was relevant but it did come up so i explained and I certainly didn't mean for things to get this heated either! I've said in previous comments that I understand why my mum may have acted that way, I've also said she isn't an aggressive person so I know she isn't physically punishing DD as such.

I know that a tap on the hand is not going to scar my child my life, sure I may have been miffed about it but I was more uoset over the comment after.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/06/2019 23:35

Or maybe she hadn't expected to need to give her life story, since the thread is about her mother smacking her daughter, which she has absolutely no right to do?

I agree OP should leave as soon as humanly possible though. And don't leave dd alone with Grandma again, since she can't keep her hands to herself.

ChippingInLowCarbing · 23/06/2019 23:35

namechange you say you’re close to your Mum & had a good childhood that she’s loving etc. She’s only doing what she would have done when you were that age it’s a bit hard to argue that it’s caused you harm isn’t it? You’re rejecting her parenting of you & that’s hurt her and she can’t see anything wrong with a tap on DD’s hand (neither can I, but I also think it’s completely ineffective so I wouldn’t do it). It’s not easy to promise you won’t do something that is your natural instinct when you don’t see anything wrong with doing it

I think you need to get over yourself really I think you’re over reacting due to the situation with your ex. They’re totally different things but I think you’re not seeing that

I think you’d be very daft to move out

CheshireChat · 23/06/2019 23:37

You still don't hit though, at that age you just remove them from the situation.

Also, I hate this 'tapping' shite, tapping is what I do to my kid when he has headphones in and can't hear me.

Squigglesworth · 23/06/2019 23:39

A tiny cannot know that the huge adult hitting them isn't going to kill them.

I'm fairly confident that a child that age has no concept of death, anyway, so I doubt that possibility could enter their minds. They won't like it, of course, but they won't be thinking, "OMG, that giant creature that normally hugs and feeds me is going to kill me!"

If you don't want your child punished in this way, that's your right, but the only real solution is to live somewhere else. It seems like an overreaction to me.

ChippingInLowCarbing · 23/06/2019 23:40

and staying in someone's house doesn't entitle them to hit your children

She wasn’t going to hit her she was going to tap her with two fingers, stop the massive over exaggerating

Original poster
NameChange06 · 23/06/2019 23:40

@chippingin Thank you, I think I agree with what you say about overreacting, I do realise it but sometimes it clouds my vision! I didn't mean to hurt or upset my mum and i know she wouldn't ever purposely do that to me either.

OP posts:
CastleGin · 23/06/2019 23:43

But I didn't ask why you needed to live there? I just said, move out if you don't like it? I agree, Why you are there is irrelevant. But you then weirdly brought it up.

Anywho, I'm not helping the situation.

Good luck OP, I hope you find the right solution and get some support after what you've been through Thanks

Owwlie · 23/06/2019 23:44

Hit/tapping and whether it’s okay isn’t the real issue here. It’s the fact that the OP has said that she does not want HER daughter to be disciplined that way and rather than accept that and agree not to do so, her mother has basically told her to get out if she doesn’t like it. That’s emotionally manipulating the OP, given that she clearly knows the OP can’t do so easily.

I would love to see the responses if the OP had been about a MiL. How many posters would have been telling the OP to pack her bags straight away.

CastleGin · 23/06/2019 23:45

Sorry, I am leaving but just wanted to say I think chipping has given some stellar advice 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Original poster
NameChange06 · 23/06/2019 23:51

Thanks everyone, some good advice on here, i feel like im over thinking it even more now though 😂

OP posts:
Owwlie · 23/06/2019 23:56

She’s only doing what she would have done when you were that age it’s a bit hard to argue that it’s caused you harm isn’t it? You’re rejecting her parenting of you & that’s hurt her and she can’t see anything wrong with a tap on DD’s hand (neither can I, but I also think it’s completely ineffective so I wouldn’t do it). It’s not easy to promise you won’t do something that is your natural instinct when you don’t see anything wrong with doing it

But once the OP has said ‘this isn’t how I want my DD disciplined’ then her mother should not have reacted the way she did. She is not the parent here, she should have realised she crossed a boundary and apologised. Instead she’s put the OP in a difficult situation which is essentially ‘accept that I will do as I like or leave and struggle’. That’s not how I would treat my DD as an adult. I would apologise and accept that she is the parent in this situation.

OP I think you need to have a sit down with your mum in the morning and say ‘I am very grateful for the support you’ve given us and for letting us stay here, but you are not DDs parent. It’s up to me to decide how to discipline her and I won’t be using any physical ways of doing so. I want you and DD to have a good relationship, but one of a grandparent, not a parent. If you can agree not to use tapping or smacking as a way to discipline DD I would appreciate you letting us stay here until I’m back on my feet. If not then I will have to make a plan going forward and will take this as notice to move out, I can’t have my parenting decisions undermined’. Be as calm and unemotional as possible.

I think once she realises that you are seriously considering leaving she will agree to not do it again. All the grandmothers I know would love their DD and DGD living with them!

scaryteacher · 24/06/2019 08:00

Owwlie Given that the OP wants the massive favour of living in someone else's home with her DD, perhaps different phrasing should be used. She is the one wanting the favour after all. Using the 'threat' of moving out as emotional blackmail won't do much to mend fences with her Mum.

My Mum would not like having ds and I living with her, either when he was younger, or now....just as the six months she lived with us tested everyone's patience to the limit.

herculepoirot2 · 24/06/2019 08:08

This is one of those difficult situations where technically you are absolutely right, but so reliant on your mum that you are not in a position to insist.

BenWillbondsPants · 24/06/2019 08:20

If I lived at my mums house, it would be under her rules. Rightly so.

Fucking hell. @CastleGin

So it's ok for the child's grandma to hit them, if they decide they want to, because the the OP and the baby live with them ... Grandma's rules and all that. Un-fucking-believable.

The reason the OP is living there makes no difference at all. I'm seldom almost speechless on here but it worries me that some people actually think like this.

Singlenotsingle · 24/06/2019 08:23

You admit that you had a good childhood. It wasn't abusive and your DM wasn't neglectful. So why can't you trust her with your own DD? Her own ideas about discipline are obviously slightly different from yours but her house, her rules.

toomuchtooold · 24/06/2019 08:42

Oh FFS the lassie was trying to get an objective read on whether her mother's behaviour was concerning enough for it to be worth leaving, that's why she left out the DV aspect. If people had just answered the question instead of questioning why she was living with her mother there would have been no drip feed.

nevernotstruggling · 24/06/2019 08:45

Tapping a child isn't ok with me. If I had given exh a millimetre of room to manoeuvre he would have assaulted the dds. Yanbu

Dra1972 · 24/06/2019 08:51

Total overreacting op.Her house her rules. She brought you up correctly and you must have had an occasional slap.You shouldn't be living with your parents at all.

MoanyAnna · 24/06/2019 09:15

What ChippingInLowCarbing said

BenWillbondsPants · 24/06/2019 10:06

She brought you up correctly and you must have had an occasional slap.

Eh? I'm 52 and neither of my parents ever lifted their hand to me. @Dra1972

How does 'an occasional slap' mean a child is brought up 'correctly'?

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