To think even 'tapping' a child isn't ok?

[NameChange06]

Sat having a family dinner yesterday with my mum and my 18 month old DD was at at the table with us. She starts playing up halfway through, throwing her food off the table, shouting loudly and just general attention seeking. DD somehow managed to reach over and begin to push a glass place mat off the table. My mother jumped up and stopped her but then grabbed her hand and raised her two fingers as if she was going to smack her hand.

I'm asking AIBU because I am aware that at this age, to an extent, babies/toddlers are aware of their behaviour in trying to push buttons but part of me was horrified because a) the young age (not ok at any age IMO) and b) because my mother insinuated that DD knew what she was playing at and she has to know she can't get away with it and it would have only been a gentle tap.

I am very strongly against any physical punishment regardless of how hard or where it is. The atmosphere here has now become very uncomfortable with my mum even suggesting I should leave the house if this is how i feel as she cant guarantee she wouldn't ever do it.

I would struggle very much living by myself, i work part time but very long hours, id just be breaking even if i sent DD to nursery and would have no-one to do drop offs and pick ups. Do I just let it go so I am able to continue having support and being able to save and carry on applying for better paying jobs or do I go?

I hope this makes sense. FWIW my mother is not a violent or confrontational person, and would never purposely hurt someone. I had a lovely upbringing and have nevet felt any kind of resentment. She adores her grandaughter and is very good with her.

Am I overreacting?

Wow some of the comments on here

The OP has left a physically abusive partner , moved in with her mother temporarily to save up to get her own place and now her own mother is saying i will smack your baby if you continue to live here, knowing she has nowhere else to go?!

What the actual fuck.

An 18 mo old is a baby!! Yes the op should be correcting her, but she has no concept of being naughty or good, jesus wept

@melissasummerfield I totally agree. Some of these comments really worry me.

OP why did your DM feel the need to intervene ? What were you doing ?

OP why did your DM feel the need to intervene ? What were you doing ?

This really. If you were taking steps to stop your DD from acting in this manner then your mum wouldn't have felt she had to. It would appear that you have the mindset that she is a baby and can't be naughty. However she can be removed from situations where her behaviour is not acceptable. My worry is that you think it was acceptable due to her age and the fact she is your DD. However it isn't and therefore if you had taken appropriate steps to remove her from the situation your mother wouldn't have felt the need to intervene. It is your mother's house and belongings that you are allowing your daughter to "trash". Respect the fact that your mother is putting you both up and that you should not be allowing your daughter to behave like that. she doesn't want her house messed up. Respect her wishes and impose sanctions you feel appropriate (as hers aren't) and then she would at least know you are attempting to do this rather than sitting back and letting her do what she wants.

her own mother is saying i will smack your baby

Er no, her mum is saying if you don’t start parenting your child I can’t promise I won’t step in and TAP the child on the hand when she’s behaving like that. Or should the mum just let her home be treated like crap and allow her granddaughter to scream and shout etc

Or should the mum just let her home be treated like crap and allow her granddaughter to scream and shout etc

Oh here we go with the hyperbole. 😂 Always happens on these threads.

An 18 month old treating her grandma's home 'like crap'.

So she should be allowed to throw floor on the floor? Pull off and break placemats? Shout and scream?

*food

For those commenting on it, while my DD was throwing the food and shouting I was in the process of removing her from the table to sit elsewhere when she reached over to grab the placemat. I understand and know how to 'discipline' (for want of a better word) my child and to not let her get away with the destructive behaviour.

@Ravingstarfish

So she should be allowed to throw floor on the floor? Pull off and break placemats? Shout and scream?

Who actually said that? I never understand how posters make such a leap from what they're told to what they make up in their head.

I never understand how posters make such a leap from what they're told to what they make up in their head

If posters didn't do that most threads on here wouldn't run to longer than a couple of pages.

BenWillbondsPants the op does, She starts playing up halfway through, throwing her food off the table, shouting loudly and just general attention seeking. DD somehow managed to reach over and begin to push a glass place mat off the table.

Throws food off table, shouting and trying to push placemat off which being glass would break. If op was sorting the situation out why would granny feel the need to intervene?

OP was in the process....I imagine it was a very long table.

I began to remove her from the table once it was evident she wasn't going to stop that's when she reached for the glass place mat. I am aware that I may not always make the best parenting decisions at all times.

Dear OP, I think you're getting a hard time on this thread. You might want to think about asking Mumsnet to move your thread to the Relationships board where you may find people to be a bit more understanding and compassionate (credit and acknowledgment given to BillWill, melissa and others who have been more supportive and kind).

I absolutely agree with you OP that smacking or 'tapping' a child at any age (but especially as young as 18 months) is wrong. I also don't think an 18 month old has any concept of being 'naughty' at all. I am mum to a lovely 18 year old young man who is thoughtful, kind and mostly well behaved and he has never been smacked or 'tapped'.

That said this is really not about the rights and wrongs of 'tapping'/smacking. You are the parent and it is up to you, not your mum, to decide how to bring up your daughter. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful and kind person/mum. You have just left an abusive relationship - congratulations that is an incredible achievement and one of the best things you could have done for your little girl.

Like you OP I have been in (mainly emotionally) abusive relationships. Also like you I had a generally ok childhood, no abuse, my mum is lovely and kind as you describe your mum to be. However one of the things I've begun to realise (as I'm trying to break the pattern of abusive/controlling relationships) is that I have found it difficult to set healthy boundaries in relationships. I have been too quick to blame myself and change myself to please the other person, assuming it must always be me who is in the wrong. I do think this in part comes from the way my (albeit lovely and well meaning) parents brought me up.

Your mum, by refusing to respect your request to never smack/tap her grandaughter is steam rollering over your boundaries. Although I understand that like me, you generally had a good/non abusive childhood I would suggest that being raised to believe that you don't have the right to have your wishes and boundaries respected may be one aspect of why you ended up in an abusive relationship. If this is unhelpful or doesn't ring true for you then feel free to discard my thoughts, but I just wanted to share what I'm learning about myself in case it was helpful to you.

You are absolutely not unreasonable OP, please trust your instincts regarding your baby girl. You may make mistakes (every parent does) but I think a loving parent will get it right way more than they'll get it 'wrong'. Please trust yourself and believe that you have the right to have your wishes and feelings respected and not belittled.

You are in a difficult situation regarding living with your mum. I would say if you can, then look at how you might be able to move out. There is an online benefits calculator (sorry don't have the link to hand) or you could contact the CAB regarding any financial help towards childcare you may be entitled to.

I wish you the very best OP, your little girl is lucky to have a mum who thinks and cares so much about her happiness and wellbeing.

@Ravingstarfish Yes, the OP does say that and no one said that was OK. Of course that's the kind of behaviour that needs checking, that's how kids learn right from wrong, how to behave etc. You said 'So she should be allowed to ... etc etc., and I can't see any poster on this thread saying that the child should be allowed to do that or that behaviour is acceptable. That is what I was referring to, apologies if I wasn't clear on that.

I do, however, see posters who seem to think that because the OP and her baby live with her mum, it should be expected that mum can discipline the child any way that she wishes. I find that very worrying.

That's an interesting Get Out Of Jail Free card Cuke. Do your parents know you blame them.

Elevensmiles - I do not 'blame' my parents for any decisions I've made and most definitely not for any abuse I've experienced - (that's the fault of the perpetrator, not anyone else). Nobody's parenting is perfect, and I would be more than happy if my own son had counselling if he felt he needed it, recognised that he was stuck in some unhelpful patterns because of something in his childhood/my parenting and changed that. Having counselling/therapy and recognising unhelpful patterns of behaviour which may (or may not) stem from childhood, taking responsibility and moving forward - to me that is nothing but positive and the very opposite of blame.

Glad you've changed your mind Cuke...