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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be insulted about being called "fatter"

78 replies

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 17:39

We were at a drinks party last night and I was talking to two female acquaintances of a similar age to me (early 50s). One of them commented that I didn't have have any wrinkles around my eyes like she did but then swiftly followed it up with "because you're fatter than me". I was shocked and said "did you just say because you're fatter than me" and she laughed and nodded. For the record I'm not skinny but at 5'6 and around 9 stone I'm not really fat. She is very skinny though. I was stunned into silence but I'm going to bring it up with her next time I see her - in fact I will refer to it every time I see her from now on.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 24/06/2019 09:56

Anyway, I think PPs are being a bit dishonest in order to labour the point that there is nothing wrong in being fat. Most normal people would think that what she said was intentionally rude.

I agree I was thinking this too. If being fat is desirable or even neutral then why don’t people actively try to become fat? After all if it’s fine and doesn’t matter people wouldn’t try to be slim because the latter takes work and sacrifice. Answer is it’s not desirable, we are all adults here and we all know this and it’s not helpful of people to pretend otherwise

LuckyAmy1986 · 24/06/2019 10:06

She sounds jealous. I agree with a pp though who said about it will stay in your head if you keep thinking up ways to have a dig at her too. I’d just avoid!

ambereeree · 24/06/2019 10:07

@holdmycake your colleague is bloody rude! How can anyone actually say that.

WanderingBar · 24/06/2019 11:16

I was opened mouthed when I read the OP, as it's just not what you say is it?

You are clearly not fat, but she is thinner than you, so that does make you fatter than her. The problem is that 'fat' is such a loaded word and I don't think many people would be happy to be described that way, regardless of their size or shape.

But... we don't know why she said it. She could have just blurted out the first thing that came into her head. What she meant to say might have come out a bit wrong, especially if she'd been drinking. She may have been mortified by what she said, or it may not have registered with her that what she was saying was offensive, or she could have been trying to upset you. Who knows?

To be planning to say something solely to make this woman feel bad though doesn't sit well with me.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 24/06/2019 11:22

Being called fatter than someone if you are fat and indeed fatter than them is true. And not something I can get worked up about (I am fat, btw).

Being called fatter when you are not fat in the first place is weird though. You are not comparing fat with fat.

It's like saying my blonde hair is lighter than your brunette hair.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/06/2019 11:36

To all the people on here who say IABU as she was stating fact, I agree that she was. However I wonder how many of you if you're being 100% honest and were having a similar real life conversation would actually look someone in the eye and say to them "it's because you're fatter than me."

It's an interesting question. I don't think she was being unreasonable, but I wouldn't make that remark to someone's face. As a comparison I avoid splitting infinitives, even though I think there's nothing wrong with doing it, because I think people would judge me for it. I think there's nothing wrong with the word "fat", I like it when people use it as a simple statement of fact, but I'm too much of a coward to do so myself because of what misguided people would think of me!

Original poster
holdmycake · 24/06/2019 14:42

I'm enjoying all the different viewpoints being put across. I think most agree that a) she was rude and that b) being fat is not generally desirable. So those that say that it wasn't insulting are either being contrary or think that being fat is fine. I've got no problem with fat people whatsoever (several of my close friends are very overweight) but I would prefer to be slim and fit myself.

To those that think I should let it go because it's unhealthy I'm afraid I want to have a bit of fun with this. So when we get the invite for their annual drinks party I will make a (jokey) point of saying that I hope they've got lots of extra canapés for us fatter ones (my husband is fatter than her husband too) with a little winky face next to it!

OP posts:
QueenBeee · 26/06/2019 07:02

One thing - if the first thing you notice or think about when you meet someone new is whether they are fatter than you and whether they have better skin /face than you, you are a self obsessed individual with a limited attitude to life/people.
This is her. Don't try to get even just feel sorry for her. She will spend her life striving to be the thinnest/ prettiest/ least wrinkled, what a waste.

Original poster
holdmycake · 26/06/2019 08:49

Totally agree Queen Bee.

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 26/06/2019 09:04

As well as being rude I don't think fatter is the right word because you are not fat. You wouldn't say to a person slightly less obese than yourself, you're skinnier than me because neither of them are skinny. Or as pp said, a blonde person wouldn't say to another blonde person 'you're more brunette than me'.
The word doesn't apply. So she was probably just being mean.

lightnights · 26/06/2019 09:08

I'm 5'6, 11 stone and a size 10 so you must be pretty skinny :| I'm so shocked

icannotremember · 26/06/2019 09:12

Why has this bothered you so much? Your statement about how you're so fine with fat people that you even have (gasp) fat friends is quite revealing.

Gatehouse77 · 26/06/2019 09:13

To those that think I should let it go because it's unhealthy I'm afraid I want to have a bit of fun with this.

Maybe she thought the same and was having a bit of fun.

Coronapop · 26/06/2019 09:13

Your response is a bit of an overreaction.

Gardenersnaptime · 26/06/2019 09:18

I think that as you are clearly not ‘fat’ or anywhere near then being called ‘fatter’ by a very skinny person isn’t really an insult.
It depends whether she prides herself on being so skinny or would actually like to put some fat on herself. If the latter it’s actually a compliment.

Singlenotsingle · 26/06/2019 09:21

Thin isn't automatically good. Your friend sounds unhealthily skinny. Even you, at 9 stone, sound thin. There can't be any fat on you! What size are you? 8-10? Shock

Downunderduchess · 26/06/2019 09:32

I think she said it to make herself feel better, some people do that, can only feel good about themselves if they put others down. She's obviously well annoyed that she isn't ageing as well as you may be.

Original poster
holdmycake · 26/06/2019 10:46

Icannotremember, I didn’t say I even have fat friends - you added the ‘even’. It’s bothered me simply because she was so rude. If she’d said you’re thicker than me or you have worse wrinkles than me or you’re less generous than me it would have bothered me equally. Fat isn’t the issue here - her rudeness is and if you read through the responses you’ll see that most people concur. Sounds like you get your kicks from being goady just like her.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 26/06/2019 10:50

if it's quite unusual for her to be so candid, she'd had a couple of drinks and you accept that she was stating a fact, why take it any further, OP?

Why was she rude? You know you're not fat, you also know she is thinner than you (is that rude or insulting, or is it also a statement of fact?).

Original poster
holdmycake · 26/06/2019 11:08

Because knowing her and the way it was said I do feel she was being deliberately goady. She is a bit like the jellyfish one in Bridget Jones.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 26/06/2019 11:16

You've lost me there, OP!

Well - it's up to you whether you want to be offended and take it further.

Deuxcaggages · 26/06/2019 11:18

What did she say when you repeated back to her what she’d said.

I can understand her being a bit tactless after a few drinks, but would expect her to retract it If you queried it, if that was the case.

Original poster
holdmycake · 26/06/2019 11:36

She nodded and giggled - she knew exactly what she said. Cassian, there’s a woman in one of the Bridget Jones films who says deliberately rude things but in a friendly smiley manner this was similar. It’s not so much about me deciding to be offended as I’m not particularly - I’m in excellent shape - it’s more that I want her to know it’s not acceptable to comment on other peoples’ physiques. What if I had an eating disorder and she set me off starving or vomiting (I don’t but my friend’s daughter does and comments like that derail her recovery).

OP posts:
Deuxcaggages · 26/06/2019 11:51

If you want her to know it’s not acceptable to say things like that, then you should address it directly with her instead of going down the passive aggressive ‘jokey’ route.
Making a joke of it shows her you’re not bothered and therefore it’s ok to do it.

Geminijes · 26/06/2019 12:06

Was she rude though?

She was telling the truth, you are fatter than her. She didn't say you were fat, just pointed out that you are fatter than her.
Why is telling the truth considered to be rude?

You seem to have a hang up on the fact that you are fatter than her.
Let it go, I can't see what you are going to gain by mentioning to her that she was rude in telling the truth.