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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still be insulted about being called "fatter"

78 replies

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 17:39

We were at a drinks party last night and I was talking to two female acquaintances of a similar age to me (early 50s). One of them commented that I didn't have have any wrinkles around my eyes like she did but then swiftly followed it up with "because you're fatter than me". I was shocked and said "did you just say because you're fatter than me" and she laughed and nodded. For the record I'm not skinny but at 5'6 and around 9 stone I'm not really fat. She is very skinny though. I was stunned into silence but I'm going to bring it up with her next time I see her - in fact I will refer to it every time I see her from now on.

OP posts:

Laiste · 23/06/2019 19:51

I think the word 'fat' is a bit loaded so personally i'd avoid using it as an adjective to someone's face in conversation. But then i find it very easy to monitor what comes out of my mouth.

Some people are less sensitive about what they say.

Original poster

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 20:12

To all the people on here who say IABU as she was stating fact, I agree that she was. However I wonder how many of you if you're being 100% honest and were having a similar real life conversation would actually look someone in the eye and say to them "it's because you're fatter than me."

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 23/06/2019 20:17

No wrinkles on a Balloon, my Mother used to say.

You're aging better OP, trust me

Original poster

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 20:22

I think I was just taken aback by how blunt she was as it's quite unusual. The only time I've encountered that sort of bluntness before was when I was part of a big expat community and people from some cultures were much more direct than Brits.

OP posts:

redcarbluecar · 23/06/2019 20:26

well...hopefully you can see that this is her problem, not yours. She sounds bitchy to me, but not worthy of much head space.

QuizzlyBear · 23/06/2019 20:28

I'm with pp - whilst blunt, it doesn't like she was being malicious. You are fatter than her (probably as most of us are!) and that's not a bad thing, just an observation. A blunt one, but not insulting.

People's inhibitions are gone after a few glasses of wine and it sounds as though she just used the obvious word rather than the tactful one.

teyem · 23/06/2019 20:34

Well, she said you were fatter, not fat, so it is objectively true and really shouldn't be a problem.

However, I'm not cool with her putting you down to make herself feel better. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd have that shit logged and make sure I got a memorable dig in to even things up a bit.

ErickBroch · 23/06/2019 20:35

'I'm not skinny' at 5'6 and 9 stone? .... ok

Original poster

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 20:42

Yeah she started off paying me a compliment or two (she'd previously asked if I was 50 yet and I am 53) and then when I confirmed my age she mentioned that I didn't have wrinkles round my eyes. So it was all very nice and then out of nowhere came the sting in the tail. I'm not usually backwards at coming forwards if someone is rude but I was so surprised that after I'd got her to confirm she said it that I stood there a bit open mouthed and then the conversation moved on. I will keep getting the jokey digs in when I see her though - she'll rue the day she called me fatter . Also imagine if I had an eating disorder or something - middle aged annorexia is by no means uncommon.

OP posts:

CellularBlanket · 23/06/2019 20:52

I would have laughed! I don't think it was rude - but you do and you were there. Discussion of personal looks et can never really be a good thing in those situations - much better to talk about waht you are doing in life, what you love or make each other laugh!

I wouldn't bring it up again - that can go nowhere. You seem proud of your looks which is great - we all should be - but I'm not sure if I'm wrong to think that you maybe feel a bit superior because you are not as fat or have better skin than your "friends" .

Original poster

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 21:05

Interesting to get the different viewpoints on this. I agree that talking about looks isn't wise and it's not a subject I'd normally choose but she brought it up. I still think she was out of order even if it was true - it seemed too much like one upmanship.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 23/06/2019 21:05

Not a friend. I would later wish I'd been quick witted enough to come up a with a equally putting down retort similar to pp!

tierraJ · 23/06/2019 21:08

I had a uni 'friend' who said after learning I was a size 12 "I'd kill myself if I was size 12"!!
She was full of comments like that.

We weren't friends for long.

OP find someone actually nice to hang out with.

Original poster

holdmycake · 23/06/2019 21:12

Don't worry I've got plenty of nice friends - it was just someone I was chatting to at a drinks party. I just can't ever imagine saying something like that to someone - I always try and build other women up and say positive things to them whether it be that they're kind or funny or they've done something impressive or their new haircut looks lovely.

OP posts:

Siameasy · 23/06/2019 21:48

Maybe she has had to starve herself to be thin and she knows that it’s taken it’s toll on her face whereas you must be slim at 9st and 5’6” but presumably not TOO thin to affect your face?
She probably should’ve said “you’re not as skinny as I am” rather than “you’re fatter” because it sounds like you’re the one who is a normal weight and she is the one who is not normal yet from that comment she sees herself as the baseline.
I wouldn’t want to be called “fatter” no because being fat is not desirable to me so I would’ve said OI but left it at that.

Altho I suppose fatter just means “you’ve got more body fat than I have” rather than “you’ve got excessive body fat” which you clearly haven’t.

tinkerbellla · 23/06/2019 21:54

Most people would be offended at being called fat, fatter etc. Obviously you are not but I can't imagine many people being totally ok with someone being so rude! Rightly or wrongly it is an insult.

tinkerbellla · 23/06/2019 21:54

Not fat that is....

Namaste6 · 23/06/2019 22:34

Hi OP - no YANBU at all. There's a certain etiquette to life and her conversational conduct was not it. Sad when women act like that.

Aria999 · 24/06/2019 02:37

Well I would never say that to anyone even if it was true!

Also OP as you are clearly super slim then i doubt your extra (totally nonexistent) 'fat' has anything to do with your great skin, you must have some other secret 😜

(I'm 5'4 and any time I get under 9 stone people worry I'm ill)

floribunda18 · 24/06/2019 02:57

She sounds like quite a bitch. A jellyfish, as someone else said!

PregnantSea · 24/06/2019 03:14

I'm impressed you have no visible wrinkles around your eyes at 53- good for you!

Anyway, I think PPs are being a bit dishonest in order to labour the point that there is nothing wrong in being fat. Most normal people would think that what she said was intentionally rude.

I'd not worry much though. She was pissed and it sounds like you have plenty of other friends who don't say silly things like this. Maybe her jealousy got the better of her for a moment - it can happen to the best of us.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 24/06/2019 03:14

" I will keep getting the jokey digs in when I see her though"

Don't do that, you'll look really insecure.

I agree that we are so scared of the word "fat" now! Perhaps using it more will take away some of its power.

StoppinBy · 24/06/2019 04:23

My twin once said to me..... 'Lucky that you have a nicer body than me because my face is so much prettier than yours' She was 40kg heavier than me and was doing it to make herself feel better rather than insult me (we are identical anyway so to be fair she didn't really have a leg to stand on with her argument haha).

Let it go, it was an observation and not an insult.

Original poster

holdmycake · 24/06/2019 06:05

wipeyourfeet I'm not insecure and I will keep mentioning it because I want her to know she was rude. Fat is a thing that most people don't want to be so calling someone fatter is rude. I recall reading something that Vanessa Feltz said about being amazed at the amount of money an american talk show was willing to pay her (and foot the bill to fly her and her husband over to the states) because they couldn't find anyone in america willing to appear to talk about being happy and fat. She also admitted that she wasn't happy and fat she was just pretending.

OP posts:

WindsweptEgret · 24/06/2019 06:06

'I'm not skinny' at 5'6 and 9 stone? .... ok
So it's okay to insult someone as long as you don't say 'fat'? The OP is a perfectly healthy weight.

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