To not want to go on cruise PIL have partly paid for?

[dessertmissthecream]

PIL recentely sold their villa in Spain as in their words "we got bored of it". They had a bit of a financial breakdown a while after selling the villa and have been left with a lot less disposable money. Because of this they want to start winding down on the big holiday's and stay more UK based. At Christmas they told us they had booked a cruise for August because they wanted one last big holiday before they stopped. We would go to the Spain villa with them every other year and were there 2 years ago when DS (2) was a few months old. We are technically due to go away with them again this year and they asked us in February. I said we'd think about it and then the idea fizzled out.

Last week DH sat me down and said that though MIL has not mentioned it to me she is quite upset we aren't coming on her last big holiday and that we are running out of time to get tickets. He told me that she has offered to pay for me and DD if we will come which I felt very uncomfortable for but he says it's no different to us getting a cheap holiday at the villa. I ended up saying yes out of guilt.

However I cannot stop worrying. I'm 4 months pregnant and will be 6 months gone by the time we leave and it's a 2 week trip around southern Europe etc. I've heard horror stories of women going into premature labour etc on ships miles away from land with no proper medical help for mum or baby, and DS was 7 weeks early. DS is currently in an awful phase (GP reckons might have ASD) and isn't sleeping, is still potty training and has tantrums daily. We'd either stay with him all day and have him exhuast us or have to leave him in a creche which I couldn't do. I am exhausted. And to top it all off, I am scared shitless of water. Always have been, never learnt to swim. And yes I know you don't go on a cruise ship to have a nice dip in the ocean but eek. Doesn't help it's in the Top 10 biggest cruise ships. There's so much more I've read as well about norovirus breaking out on the ship etc. It sounds bloody awful and I'd much rather drive 3 hours to Cornwall and stay in a caravan for a week by the beach.

Am I being an ungrateful cow if I make an excuse as to why we can't go to PIL? Is it my place considering it's DH's parents?

I don't see why you should have to go, just because it's the last 'big' holiday they can afford. What is a "financial breakdown" anyway? Is that code for spending more than they could afford for years? If so, people like that don't usually change. They'll be off on another jolly before too long and you can join them then. If you want to.

OMG don't go and don't feel guilty. They sound like they are living well beyond their means, but if they have family around them for it it helps them justify it to themselves that they are not just spending money on themselves, they are creating memories for the family. Like people in the office who eat too many chocolate biscuit and get other people to join in so they don't have to feel bad. You are pregnant, it will cause you stress you do not need, they are spending beyond their means. No such thing as a free holiday...you will end up paying some other sort of price.

You just need to be absolutely clear, firm and definite. No, I’m very sorry to disappoint you but this doesn’t work for us at all. There are too many risks and we simply cannot come.

They will get over it. Keeping them uncertain is much worse.

I understand why you don't want to go, but I don't understand why the PIL are being made out to be unreasonable because they want treat their family to a lovely holiday.

The idea of a cruise doesn't appeal to me at all so YANBU. You really should have said no in the beginning, I'd have begged for everyone to stay in a cottage in the New Forest (after looking up hospitals etc for precise area selection. Can you check if she's paid or not and if not ask that they do the cruise next year, with a cottage this year?

I would check first you can get insured to travel with your history of a premature baby they may not insure you all. Secondly I can’t think of anything worse than going on a cruise ship heavily pregnant (which I am just now) with a 2 year old (I have one) it just sounds exhausting an no holiday. How do you even relax with a 2 year old surrounded by water everywhere?

There are some very harsh remarks about the PIL on here. OP has happily holidayed with them and they havent forced her to go at all. They said it would be nice and offered to pay. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It is not overstepping boundaries or controlling. It is offering to do a nice thing.

I’d use the excuse that the midwife thinks it’s a bad idea due to possible early birth.

The harsh remarks about the PIL are because they are guilt tripping their pregnant daughter in law who has reasonable concerns about travel and not being near a hospital midway through pregnancy. It is not about doing something nice for the family, it is about what they want for themselves.

I have not been offered a free holiday from my in laws, but I recognise similar traits. My in laws live beyond their means, they are in their 70s with a large mortgage and every Christmas is a huge affair on credit cards. They love having loads of presents under the tree, and gushing as all the presents are opened. I get a pile of presents myself, which I do not enjoy opening because I know it has all been bought on credit, and most of it is crap with no thought for me. The pile of presents I get every year are not a generous act for me, the inlaws love to appear generous and love the pomp and ceremony of their Christmas traditions.

This holiday is not a generous act for the OP, her partner and child, if it was the inlaws would graciously accept the offer has been declined for good reason, it is all about the in laws.

Tell DH he can go with the DC and you will stay home. That way they still get most of the grandparent / family holiday experience.

if they have already paid then yeah I would say YABU and should at least offer to refund them whatever they have spent on you. I don't get how you didn't..click on that you were scared of water, or that you would be very pregnant, until after you said yes?

@Whosorrynow Oh she thought exactly that

Sadly for her, she isn’t as devious as she thinks!

I, on the other hand......

Echoing others, it’s 24 weeks but at return of cruise not start - and the cruise lines expect a letter from midwife/Dr with edd on it. DH wanted to book a short cruise this month as a treat for me before our DT arrive in the autumn but, the cruises he was looking at were all after I was 24 weeks so we didn’t bother!!

Lots of projection going on here. Have they been communicating with your husband about this, OP, and he’s failed to pass it on? Because that’s what it sounds like, you haven’t even hinted at pressure. Is your husband up for it or does he share your concerns?

It’s the wrong holiday for now, tell them that and that you understand their disappointment but you’d love to share a family friendly holiday with them next year.

Quite honestly your pils financial circumstances are none of your business @namechangealerttt, any more than yours are theirs.

I absolutely love cruising, DC love, it and we’ve never experienced any illness. Medical staff are good too. And I have never needed to swim!

Nevertheless, if you don’t want to go, which is understandable with your pregnancy, just say no and say it ASAP before ILs make the final payment, after which time nothing is refundable.

How is asking the OP in February and then it not being mentioned again until last week piling on the pressure?

Blame the midwife/obstetrician - say that BECAUSE you had a previous premature birth it wouldn't be advised (and lets face it it wouldn't be

If you are flying to get to the cruise they aren't going to sign you off the way you would if there was little/no chance of premature labour

The insurance would be wary of you too

It's pretty miserable with young ones, tbh, and the kids' clubs charge more for children who aren't potty-trained. They also reserve the right to expel or not accept children if their behaviour cannot be controlled, sadly. My kids love the clubs, well, our elder one is too old for them now but my tween enjoys going.

It's not everyone's cup of tea and I don't think I'd want to go at six months pregnant.

Just stay behind. Dh can take the little one and you can rest up.

Alsohuman the OP stated "Last week DH sat me down and said that though MIL has not mentioned it to me she is quite upset we aren't coming on her last big holiday" In my books that is guilt tripping. Disappointed is one thing, quite upset is another.

I wish my PILs finances were not my problem, trust me. It is shitty to cashflow your own kids birthday presents from the PIL because they want to give extravagant birthday presents that they do not have money for. My DH is so stressed because his parents interest only mortgage is being called in in a few months.

There is definitely a chance I am projecting here, I will agree with that, but the OP has mentioned her inlaws "financial breakdown". If you have not been in this position, you don't know how stressful it is watching elderly relatives live beyond their means and not knowing when the pack of cards is going to come crashing down. The level of personal debt held in the UK is disturbing, and if you can turn a blind eye to your elderly parents or inlaws dire financial situation, good on you, ignorance is bliss, I wish I could.

Op so what if you said yes. It's not the day before the trip, it's still enough time to back out. Your pregnancy is more important than two ridiculous people getting worked up over a trip. A cruise isnt that great idea- worse if you get seasick and a nightmare if you're pregnant.
They might be upset with you, but better that than putting yourself through it for two weeks.

Just because you said yes after being "sat down" and lectured by DH doesn't mean you cannot change your mind after having a chance to think about your own wishes and your own health - which none of them seem to be doing.
Don't wait for DH to tell them. He will be hoping to change your mind back again. Email them now. No one can make you get on that boat if you don't want to.. and I think your concerns about premature labour are perfectly acceptable. I once got pressured by a relative because I wouldn't host Xmas for 20 - two weeks before my due date!! I just kept saying no no no no and then hung up it was a first for me but I knew I was right.
Also concerned by your question " Is it my place considering it's DH's parents?" Forgive me but where did you get such vocabulary? it sounds a bit Victorian ( no offence intended OP, I am annoyed on your behalf)
What YOU think your place is? to be at your PIL's beck and call? Or to make your own decisions about what is best for you and your DC?

Tell them now that you've changed your mind before they spend any money or can get any money that they've spent refunded if possible. The longer you leave it the harder it is to get a refund. And reimburse any non refundable money that they have spent.

@namechangealerttt, it was OP’s husband who said she was “upset”, all the communication seems to have been via him and the cruise hasn’t even been mentioned for four months. It’s a big stretch to call that pressure.

Your pils aren’t children, they’ve made their financial decisions, they’ll have to live with them and sort out the consequences. Like the adults they are.

@alsohuman you are right my PIL are adults, but they are elderly and their decision making ability is deteriorating. There is a very real chance they will be evicted from their home later this year.

Could you watch you elderly relatives be evicted and just watch and on and say "they'll have to sort it out, it is a consequence of their own actions". Are you Alsopartrobot?