To ask Dp to pop into party on his own?

[Sundancer77]

We have a child’s birthday party this afternoon for a really nice couple I know well, my dp knows them only briefly, but likes them.
It’s their child’s 3rd birthday this afternoon and we accepted the invitation weeks ago and I bought a gift etc and was looking forward to going.
The last few days it’s felt like Groundhog Day with Dd teething badly and being full of energy, I’ve not slept nor had a lie in (even after arguments about this with dp-he knows how tired I am)
Due to all this, I feel shitty this morning and tired and really not in the mood to socialise and would love a couple of hours to myself-for once.
I asked dp if he could just nip in for an hr to drop the present off with Dd as I feel bad about none of us going, eaclecily at the last minute-he won’t go, saying he barely knows them, it will be awkward, he doesn’t know where the house is etc( they’ve given directions and I can tell him)
I feel bad letting them down, aibu to ask that he just drops present off and gives me a little break?

I just think if two parents are together when it comes to children you have to take care of each other and if you never get a lie in and he sleeps all night it's pretty selfish and caveman like not to assist with your daughter seeing as you can't even leave the house! If it's harsh to hear that then don't post

@EKGEMS Totally agree we should help each other but saying he hasn’t evolved from a caveman is a bit ott 🤷‍♀️But yep, it’s a hard one and if it really as bad as you’re saying and I’m just taking it, I really need to think about doing something about it.

@blackteasplease Not good 😏 Are you a lot happier now?

Good luck sleep deprivation is just brutal.

The whole toilet thing is ridiculous, and no - it isn't normal to spend that long having a shit.

He is either horribly constipated or taking the opportunity to watch porn and have a quick wank while you are single handedly doing the work of a parent. Not good, op.

So, no one else’s dp’s have these ‘wank/poo/whatever’ breaks..? Are they there 100% of the time with the kids? 😮 I need to set my expectations much higher..it has really pissed me off..but felt totally low to have a go at him about how long he’s on the toilet..sick of being the miserable, nagging one-it’s ageing me and bringing me down tbh.

They might do if they have a medical condition. But given the other info you've posted, it just sounds like he does it because he can and as a convenient way of being absent when you're doing the work. Men don't have a different intestinal system where they all just need a lot longer on the toilet than women.

As I said earlier, if he does this, don't carry on and do all the jobs. Sit and have a cup of coffee like he does, and when he emerges, you can say 'right, let's get going on the housework now' or whatever. He is relying on you just getting on with it in this absence, so don't.

Mine goes in, has a shit and leaves. Few minutes tops. He's taking the piss, either that or he needs to massively increase his fibre and/or see a GP.

And honestly, he needs to do some of the overnight work. Moody or not. He's got you well trained.

It’s that old thing though isn’t it..if I leave it, it doesn’t get done. For example, I got dd asleep before and she’s lay on me so can’t move and the dishes from dinner are just sat in the sink..so in the morning, I’ll get up to them.
So he’s just deliberately avoiding it all because he can’t be arsed? How shitty is that 🤷‍♀️ Strange how once you’ve had a child, it can highlight these things..sad that he’s willing to let me do everything even though I’ve said how it brings me down..

Yes, he is checking our because he can't be arsed.

No, my DH doesn't spend an hour in the loo wanking / shitting / listening to music. Wtf! He nips in and out like everyone else...

So when your dp finishes work and arrives home-he gets straight into it all? And every morning also? With working all day, when is his break and yours? I’m just trying to compare here..that’s when he has a ‘Break’ from what I can see, his side of the story would probably be very different and that he works hard all day and then does lots etc etc 🤷‍♀️😩

My Dh also takes marathon poops, these got improved dramatically when I got that pissed off with him F**king off to the bathroom for hours that I’d give him 10 mins to get comfy then walk through dump the baby on him then shut the door and leave.
Funny how they shortened then. Now they really both mobile so I don’t even have to take them through myself they go and harass him for me (score).
Our youngest has a heart condition (hopefully grown out of it now) and he’s fantastic when he’s been unwell or in the hospital but a bit crap when we are at home.
I stopped washing his clothes and towels, changing bedding for him (for when he sleeps in the other room to get some sleep) and buying things he likes when I got so fed up with him I was thinking of leaving, as these are things in our house that can be left undone without effecting anyone else more then him.
When he’s good or does something for the family I do some of his tasks but when he doesn’t he runs out of clothes or clean towels or doesn’t have the fizzy juice he’s addicted to and over the last few months he’s been a lot better.
He’s much more considerate now although still has his moments. Bit ridiculous that it had to go this far though.

@Ayemama God..it sounds like a kid 🙈take his fizzy drinks away 😬 Wouldn’t work with dp as he can just easily put a was on himself/do his own clothes etc..we both do all that, there’s no set person to do it 🤷‍♀️
To burst in through the door whilst someone’s on the toilet 😮 I couldn’t do that..I’m not adverse to constantly shouting upstairs to hurry up though..shit, how does it get to when you have to speak to your partner like this and become like their nagging mother 🤷‍♀️It’s not for me..I think I’d rather be alone sometimes..!

@sundancer77 yes. He works full time. But he gets one of the kids up and dressed in the morning and does two of their breakfasts before he goes. When He gets back he gets changed then gets stuck into bath time / stories or starts making our dinner depending where we are at with everything

@Sunnycoco yeah dp does the after work bit (mainly..!) not the morning as I’m not working in the mornings at the moment so sometimes we’re not even up..I get that, but weekends too..pisses me off!
I’ve found a load of threads on here about dh’s spending ages on the toilet 🤣So it is a thing, trying to link.

How old is your child? Is there a possibility of moving to bottle and putting her in her own cot?

I'm always astounded at how hard some people's lives are with new babies. I bottle fed and my daughter went through thr night at eleven weeks, we shared the night feeding before that, ie took it in turns. And she slept in her own cot in Our room. None of us was struggling with sleep deprivation.

I know people are doing wha they believe to be best for their baby. But when it causes parents who are unhappy and at each other's throats, and struggling with sleep deprivation, ans the benefits of what they are doing is subjective and open to dispute in the scientific community maybe it's time to sit back and say this isn't working for us?

A happy, loved, healthy Baby, a happy home atmosphere, and parents firing on all cylinders really is the aim.

Yeh I know a friends DH does it too but as you've said yourself they're not actually pooing for an hour are they. They're Facebooking, wanking, reading the news etc. So basically skiving off while their partners do all the drudge work.
How could someone do that every day while their partner feels exhausted ?!

Stop trying to justify the toilet situation op, for God's sake.

It's lazy, selfish parenting. If other men do it, then they are lazy and selfish as well.

You’re right 👆

You've misunderstood.
This isn't how we live and I have no interest on living like this. It's what I did for a short period of time recently as I was at breaking point as endlessly talking wasn't changing anything and I was about to leave.
I wasn't taking things away like his juice, he's an adult who is perfectly capable of going to a shop himself. I was making home less comfortable as he was treating it like a hotel and me like a servant.
And judge all you like but it's made the situation much better and he has said it was a wake up call for him.

As for bursting in on folk on the loo it isn't nice but endlessly shouting for him to hurry up was doing F all. And again this fixed the issue after only having to do it a couple of times.

I fixed him not understanding how tired I was with our first baby too by making him share our bed and waking him
Up every time the baby woke and keeping him up until she went to sleep. I did this once (on a night where he had the next day off) and suddenly he was a lot more helpful and understanding.
Maybe our partners are different but mine, I've found, needs to be shown rather then told.

Totally get it, @Ayemama I just think it’s crazy how it has to get to this point 🙈

Me too! Think he hit a midlife crisis when baby number two came along or something. Was never this bad before.

Just had a HUGE row, with him saying I’m miserable all the time and bringing him down and creating a bad atmosphere in the house 🤷‍♀️
I said again the reasons I feel so shit and moody is because of no sleep etc etc and now I’m the one being blamed for it?! It’s a joke, I’m made out to be the bad one and I’m ruining his time with Dd and he understands I’m tired but can’t let it ruin everything 🤷‍♀️
So who the hell is being unreasonable here ffs

Well, there's a really easy way for him to help you be less miserable...

@Lannieduck EXACTLY 🤷‍♀️