To ask Dp to pop into party on his own?

[Sundancer77]

We have a child’s birthday party this afternoon for a really nice couple I know well, my dp knows them only briefly, but likes them.
It’s their child’s 3rd birthday this afternoon and we accepted the invitation weeks ago and I bought a gift etc and was looking forward to going.
The last few days it’s felt like Groundhog Day with Dd teething badly and being full of energy, I’ve not slept nor had a lie in (even after arguments about this with dp-he knows how tired I am)
Due to all this, I feel shitty this morning and tired and really not in the mood to socialise and would love a couple of hours to myself-for once.
I asked dp if he could just nip in for an hr to drop the present off with Dd as I feel bad about none of us going, eaclecily at the last minute-he won’t go, saying he barely knows them, it will be awkward, he doesn’t know where the house is etc( they’ve given directions and I can tell him)
I feel bad letting them down, aibu to ask that he just drops present off and gives me a little break?

@Yabbers Yeah, he doesn’t mind going but says is awkward on his own and I’d be the same if is with (insert his friends name I know only briefly)
I get what he’s saying but would probably be ok with just dropping the gift off/staying for one drink.

He is on the toilet for an hour??! What the fuck!!

He massively needs to grow up and step up - you anbu to feel let down by his behaviour as a parent and partner. Tell him. Keep telling him until he does something about it.

*She has a ‘Hands on’ Dh that is.

Yes, be honest and don't go, but tell your dp to take dd out so you can rest - not just today but every weekend until she starts sleeping better.

Telling someone with chronic sleep deprivation that they shouldn't be in a bad mood about it is disgusting.

It's like saying to a starving person, "I understand you're hungry, but you don't have to act so upset about it all the time." While eating a full meal and smacking their lips in front of them...

The fact that dp would even say such a thing shows that he's never experienced the level of exhaustion that you have.

I think the issue isn't this party - you need sleep.

If the children aren't friends themselves, and the parents are primarily your friends OP, then I really don't think your DH is being unreasonable.

In my group of friends, the girls have known each other since childhood and our significant others have naturally become a part of the group over time. But if one of us can't go to something, it's normal that the OH doesn't either. Not that we wouldn't welcome them, but they just don't see any need to go on their.

We all have times we have to pull out of parties, gatherings, etc. It's not the end of the world and not worth feeling bad about. Send your apologies and pop in with a card during the week.

I also agree that your DP should take your DD out to give you a rest, but I don't necessarily think it needs to be at the party.

@Cambionome I know. He’s always been on the toilet for ages-I don’t get it. But there he has a chance to wake up, go on Fb etc first thing in the morning, whereas I run to do a wee and all the stuff of the day starts.
He just doesn’t get it. When I’ve complained, he comes up with solutions like that he’ll take her during the night and let me rest..but that’s not possible as I breastfeed 🤱🏻 I just don’t think he gets it. By the time he’s up, on loo etc, I have to get up and bring her down as she’s obviously restless and it’s not fair on her.
Then if I get up in a shitty, bad mood, it’s I’m spoiling things in the house and acting like a bitch..
I’ve got up before and put Dd almost on him and gone back to bed-then he went to the toilet pretty quickly..!

Honestly what is he going to do at school age taking your kids places with total strangers to interact with 🤷‍♀️

He needs to do more so you can sleep

I would go to the party. You'll probably feel a bit better after an hour with friends anyway. It is a unfair to cancel at this point and you could get that rest another time. I get why your DH doesn't want to go to your new friend's house on his own.

Then, after the party, you need to make it clear to your DH that you're both responsible for your DD so, if you're taking the nights, he is taking mornings by default. He needs to initiate taking her, not just wait for you to ask.

He isn't doing you a favour by looking after her, any more than you're doing him one.

So now he’s just come in and asked if I’m getting ready, I said I’m too tired we’re not going.
He said fine, he’d take her then as can’t not go as have presents etc (what I said before)
But said it in pretty pissed off way..wtf.

So now he’s angry at me that he feels he has to go..I mean 🤷‍♀️🤣

He said fine, he’d take her then as can’t not go as have presents etc (what I said before)
But said it in pretty pissed off way..wtf.

I don’t blame him for being pissed off tbh.

You’re saying you don’t want to go, but he should!

I just wouldn’t go if I was him.

Agree with fedup21

He has a right to be pissed off about this situation with the party, but you have a right to be pissed off that he's not helping more in general. You need to communicate better with each other instead of this passive aggressive crap.

Can you both take your dc to party for an hour, then he takes yours to a park for a couple so you have a break?

Now is a good time for him to learn that there are consequences to his failure to mitigate your sleep deprivation.

It’s not passive aggressive-we definitely put it all out there.
I’ve just said to him the issue isn’t the party it’s my not having sleep (have said a million times) he said that’s why he’d take her to the party and apologised saying he’s tired in the mornings too, but gets it’s hard for me and he’ll take her in the mornings.
I said there’s no point him going to the party if he feels awkward and I get that but reiterated the fact I feel resentful that I’m so tired, I miss all these lovely things.
So that’s where we’re at, he’s not going and says he’ll take her for lie ins (let’s see-I have to wait a week until next weekend to find out about this one though)
He’s happy to take her somewhere else now.
Now I’m just left with feeling bad I’m letting them down-what a waste of a weekend ffs.

@HorridHenrysNits That’s right. I think that’s where we’re at in the conclusion to all this.

He’s acting a bit sheepish though so knows it’s the fault of not helping with the sleep situation...will it change though, that’s the question 🤔

His chutzpah complaining to you about being tired is quite impressive. As is telling you off for being pissed off when you're exhausted.

Don't beat yourself up about the wasted weekend. I totally understand resentment at missing out on so much generally, but in this one instance, you have a teething baby who has needed attention for most of the last few nights. However you chose to split that work, it was going to result in one zombie parent if one of you did it all, two pretty knackered had you gone 50/50 or something inbetween. You weren't exactly going to go out and seize the day. That's just how it is with little ones sometimes.

I would ensure the issue is addressed on Friday night and clear expectations set put. Also, is there any reason he can't take her for some of the night? Could you express, does she ever have or would you give formula? Even if not, it might be worth him doing the settling at weekends at least. I think sometimes some direct experience of the horror that is night waking can be very useful.

This is all unnecessarily dramatic.

You wanted him to go. He said no. Then he said he would go, but you told him not to.

Now you’ve decided you’re all staying in but you feel guilty.

For fuck sake!

You’re right @Ivanapee this is what happens with sleep deprivation, resentment and a new baby it would seem, for me/us anyway. It wasn’t like this before, is bullshit.

I would give him a set time in the morning, say 5am. He needs to come and collect baby at that time, and he's 'on duty' until you get up (probably when baby needs next breastfeed).

@Sundancer77 my point is you should have let him take the baby and drop the present off. Even if he had said he wasn’t staying. He could have gone for a coffee/to visit MIL or some such person and you could have had the break you’re clearly desperate for.

You don’t win any parenting/wife points by being a wet martyr, I’m afraid!

@Ivanapee..yeah, maybe. He has gone out with her, but not to the party. I’m lay in bed with beautiful sunshine ☀️ outside, I want to be out and about and enjoying things.