To ask Dp to pop into party on his own?

[Sundancer77]

We have a child’s birthday party this afternoon for a really nice couple I know well, my dp knows them only briefly, but likes them.
It’s their child’s 3rd birthday this afternoon and we accepted the invitation weeks ago and I bought a gift etc and was looking forward to going.
The last few days it’s felt like Groundhog Day with Dd teething badly and being full of energy, I’ve not slept nor had a lie in (even after arguments about this with dp-he knows how tired I am)
Due to all this, I feel shitty this morning and tired and really not in the mood to socialise and would love a couple of hours to myself-for once.
I asked dp if he could just nip in for an hr to drop the present off with Dd as I feel bad about none of us going, eaclecily at the last minute-he won’t go, saying he barely knows them, it will be awkward, he doesn’t know where the house is etc( they’ve given directions and I can tell him)
I feel bad letting them down, aibu to ask that he just drops present off and gives me a little break?

How old is baby? I’d be expressing enough through the week for him to take the fri/sat night feed so you can sleep through. Or telling him he needs to take a shift either late evening or 4/5am onwards.

Sleep deprivation is hard and being rational without sleep is even harder. Try and get a few naps in where you can.

He needs to come and get her in the mornings as a pp said. Tell him this has to happen if he wants you not to be in a bad mood. And if it doesn't, you do exactly as you described doing once - take DD in, say 'there you are, she's yours now for the next few hours' and go back to bed. How long he spends in the toilet etc then is his problem to sort out.

@HorridHenrysNits
We’ve kind of always gone along with this sleeping arrangement as she sleeps with me, she moves around a lot at night, he works full time, me only a few hours since baby. I was ok about this, but just would like occasionally at the weekend, her to be taken off me whilst I’m still sleepy and actually able to get back to sleep and taken down and given breakfast etc.
She’s not even a massively early riser-7 on average. It’s all the faffing he does-he’s even spent time washing dishes (good but all I want is that occasional opportunity to keep speaking) I’ve said it so many times, it’s like ‘Wtf?!’
Yeah, the part about me making a bad atmosphere and having to control my moodiness even though he ‘Ubderstands’ I’m lacking sleep was..😮 Are all men like this? It’s just like what I’m saying didn’t go in.

*To keep sleeping
*Understands
*Doesn't go in

See, can’t even type properly 😴

You need to set an alarm, for 7, pick her out of bed and take her and put her with him in the spare. Then leave them to it and go back to bed.

I’m not even asking for night feeds (def wouldn’t happen anyway 🤣) I’m ok (hard as it can be) with that. It’s just the everyday dragging myself up and awake if lesssleep during the night to then do the whole quick breakfast routine, sort the dog, tidy etc during which time he’s been on the toilet and strolled down for a coffee.
I’m definitely no martyr wife/Mum which is why I’m constantly pretty angry, hence the bad mood ‘I’m’ creating..why can’t he see that? Is he lazy, doesn’t properly realise or bring a cf?

Hi go the party for an hour. Have a glass of wine and bitch to the other mums about your feckless dh

There needs to be some serious foot putting down on your part OP.

Out of interest, why wouldn't night feeds happen? Is it because DD will only take it from the tap, or because he's useless? Either way, I would be making him do some settling. Honestly I think you're enabling him to a certain extent.

@HorridHenrysNits We bedshare and when/if she wakes, it’s easier for me to just put her on me, I see it being more hassle for dp to get up/me to take her to him?
I suppose also I did think, with him having to get up everyday for work, it wasn’t great. Believe me, if I wa working full time still, it would be a different situation.
I’m never sure if I’m in the right or not to be honest, then I hear things from other friends and think ‘Why doesn’t he do that?’ But then equally it can be ‘Thank god, he’s not like that!’
When I bring it up, calmly or am forever saying how tired I am, he does ask what he can do-then I tell him, it sometimes happens, sometimes doesn’t 🤷‍♀️
Sometimes, it even seems like he’s being thick? There’s been days he’s up and downstairs so could easily come and get her, I’ve even had to text him. Why can’t he think, ‘Oh, I’ll go and get baby and give dp a rest?’

And the reason I said it would never happen is because it’s not worth the hassle of how moody HE’D be at being woken in the middle of the night-double standards much?
When she was very teeny, I used to do that and take her downstairs at 4 in the morning to wake him, one time it was such an effort for him-it wasn’t worth the hassle..and that was on a Saturday night..but again, he works..so that’s kind of in the background if you know what I mean.
I reminded him of this incident not long ago and he denied it and said he always had her when she was first born-he didn’t, it was a few times.

Does he work Monday to Friday? If so, if can step up what he does at weekends and still get down time. Why isn't he sorting the dog and tidying up? Get him to do those things while you make breakfast. And don't 'ask' - say 'I'm doing this so you need to do that'.

Yeah, he works Mon-Fri.
If I get up with baby, I do her nappy and automatically get onto the ‘Morning’ routine-feeding dog, bit of tidy up/wash dishes if there are any from night before, get dd breakfast ready etc..sometimes I could have already fed her, cleaned her and the high chair up and got her dressed by the time he’s even off the loo. That’s when I start to feel pissed off and miserable for the rest of the day-after all, I do this same routine every single day. If it’s been an okay night and ok sleep, I’m not too fussed, if it’s been terrible, that’s when shit hits the fan basically..he always says he didn’t hear her in the night-she doesn’t always make huge noise, but wakes a lot.
Tbf, he does do things in the house when here, it’s mainly the morning thing, and that sets the precedent for the rest of the day.

Just to say, I get what you're feeling with missing out on things right now, especially if the weather is lovely, but it will get better OP. I looked out on my DH playing with my DD in the garden the other day, while I was baking (v twee!) and I thought to myself how I wouldn't have thought it possible a year ago. They change so quickly, life is tough right now but it won't always be that way.

Right, so here are some suggestions. 1) as some of us have said, tell him he needs to come and get baby from you at 7 on weekends, and if he doesn't materialise, take baby in to him then go back to bed. 2) Do not do the clean up, high chair tasks. Wait for him to come down and then say 'do you want to feed Dd her breakfast or do the washing up?' then 'do you want to take the dog out or clean the high chair?' The point is to avoid the situation where you do all the things and he sits around drinking coffee. But you need to consciously stop doing them all and bring him into it.

@butterymuffin Have done the above a few times and does work, will just have to keep doing it as tiresome as it is.
@hodgeheg92 That gives me hope 💜 jays a lovely picture, how old is Dd?
I’m currently lay in bed (can’t nap in day 🤷‍♀️) but it is nice to have a quiet house

*That’s a lovely picture

“Your DP might not be social or chatty”

Maybe not, but unless he has mental health issues he is a adult human being and shout be able to spend an hour chatting to people as a child’s birthday party, ffs!

Does DP spend an hour plus on the toilet on weekdays or just at weekends? I bet if he was going in without his phone he’d be in and out within 5 minutes but it sounds like he’s using the toilet as a place to scroll through Facebook etc and escape from family life whilst you have to get up and do the morning routine. This is hugely selfish behaviour and definitely something I’d be bringing up with him - if he genuinely needs an hour on the toilet then there is something wrong and he needs to see a doctor.

@MyNewBearTotoro He’s always been like that tbh and without tmi, says he needs to be on that long, friends have agreed their oh’s can be up there for ages. Probably watching porn too, which I don’t care about 🤷‍♀️ He does listen to music on the loo too 😬 when she’s asleep on me downstairs..is it really odd?
Is usually after work and a few times at the weekend, I’m sure is for escapism aswell..but does it have to come to the point where I have to say ‘Can you shit quicker?!’
I should make a new thread asking how long others dp’s spend on the toilet, I wonder if it’s a thing, or just him? Does piss me off though.

It's like saying to a starving person, "I understand you're hungry, but you don't have to act so upset about it all the time." While eating a full meal and smacking their lips in front of them...

^^
This expresses it so well!

Also o understand how you feel about the wanting to have energy to go out and enjoy the sunshine! I remember feeling that with both mine. Especially when d's was a baby and someone else might take dd on the school run(5 year gap) instead of just feeling happy and grateful i could.sleep while d's did, I felt sad I was too tired to go out myself!

PS mine are 5 and 10 now. Even though I'm now a single mum (reasons connected to th is thread topic!) I can now have leisure poos again as they are big enough to keep themselves alive that long . Unless they fight when I'm on the loo which makes me v cross!

@blackteasplease Reasons connected to this thread 🙈 Oh god..he wasn’t on the toilet too long everyday was he? 😬🤣
Joking aside, it is hard as on the one hand it’s such a lovely time of life with this gorgeous girl..but the lack of sleep can spoil it and ruin you 😏

To answer your question HELL no are all men like him! My husband and I split night wakings and medical treatments when our son was a baby. Our kid was medically fragile and when he was in and out of the hospital he would work 9-5 and take nights in the hospital and I would be on day shift with our son. (Worked weekends at that time) He only slept when our kid slept. Sometimes very little. But he's a great father and husband. Yours sounds as if he hadn't evolved further than a caveman.

@EKGEMS slightly harsh ffs 🙈 I’m not working at the moment (well I teach two hours per week) and he does work a physically stressful job 9 hours per day, 5 days per week. From this point of view, I’m happy to do the lions share with baby as I’m the one always at home, however, I would like a bit more sleep..just this 🤷‍♀️

Ha Ha. No I meant he didn't do his share of sleepless nights with babies or early mornings (or bed times!) with toddlers! Didn't give a shit how exhausted I was.

Among other things!