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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you have a baby in these circumstances? Or have you?

64 replies

onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:21

I've just found out I'm pregnant despite being on the pill. Not sure how far along (I don't have periods) but feeling 'pregnant' for the last week and based on when we last had sex I guess I'd be about 4-5 weeks max. Genuinely shocked as I thought I wasn't ovulating at all and I can't recall any occasions I've missed a pill, been sick or taken it late etc.

I have a DS age 3, and we have talked about having another but (evidently) hadn't got round to actually deciding to go ahead, if we even would.

Our circumstances are that DH is a SAHP, we rent in London and have no savings. DS is at nursery a couple of days a week and has been for about 6 weeks so DH hasn't yet found any work for those days (or more). DH suffers from poor mental health and our relationship has been particularly difficult over the last two years. I work ft and have a decent salary (around £40k) and we get UC (which would have been child tax credits, plus a little housing benefit) on top. Money is always tight despite this, hence lack of anything other than a hundred pounds or so emergency savings.

We're both in shock. It's something we want, but weren't prepared for emotionally or practically. That said, having experienced a few difficult things when DS was born I feel like you can pretty much get through anything if you try.

I was awake all night panicking and veering between happy and excited and shit scared. I had a termination many years ago for very different reasons and am pro choice but having since had a child I'm not sure I could do it again unless I absolutely had to for health reasons, as I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness for the other time. I'm also aware it's something we want, and age isn't on our side either (I'm mid thirties, DH early 40s). DH is worried that it'll change our relationship with DS but equally has said in the past he doesn't want him being an only child. DS has reached an age where he's desperate for a baby brother or sister (although I realise that's meaningless).

Would it be totally irresponsible to bring another child into this, given our precarious financial situation (I couldn't even afford maternity leave at this point) and less than perfect relationship? I feel so torn and am not sure what to do - my heart tells me to go ahead but my head is screaming are you mad?! I also feel like if we were to terminate, that wouldn't just be a decision for this child but also a decision against any future children, so it feels like a very loaded one.

Does anyone have any similar experience and what did you decide/how did it work out?

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 23/06/2019 08:23

I would necessarily have planned DC2 at this time in those circumstances, but since you are already pregnant, I would definitely go with it and use the next 8 months to improve your situation. Good luck!

Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:27

I should add we have no family support nearby, but I know family would help financially in the short term if necessary (with a long term repayment plan!).

No @MeanMrMustardSeed we wouldn't plan this either!! We've talked loads but it's always in that semi serious 'imagine if...' kind of way, not with a view to doing anything about it. In the back of my head I think I was going to see how we felt when DS started school.

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BigBairyHollocks · 23/06/2019 08:28

I would.Your difficulties aren’t particularly troublesome,you will get through it.Sounds like it was meant to be.Congratulations.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/06/2019 08:30

I wouldn't, not when already unable to self finance the first child. If your DH is struggling to find work now, even more time out of the workplace for another child isn't going to help.

curiositycreature · 23/06/2019 08:32

Congratulations OP! If your heart says go for it then that is probably your answer. As you say “I feel like you can pretty much get through anything if you try”. (Posters could probably offer thousands of reasons why that isn’t true, but it’s a great attitude to have right now)

IvanaPee · 23/06/2019 08:33

Can you move? Somewhere cheaper?

I understand the struggle but I’d have the baby if I really wanted another. DH can continue as a SAHP.

In the interim could he do a course to upskill? (Here there are free ones for unemployed people.)

I actually don’t think the baby stage is as expensive as later! So I’d save as much as I possibly could now for the baby coming but I’d also be thinking long-term solutions in the meantime.

Where are your family? Is relocation an option at all? Much easier to do before children are in school!

Blumtre231 · 23/06/2019 08:35

I think go with your heart. Things might be tough but you’ll get through it, and it sounds like you’d have a lot of sadness and regret if you terminated.

emelsie · 23/06/2019 08:35

Irrelevant maybe but how do you get UC and housing benefit on a 40k salary? (Not judging just interested as I didn't think you could)

As others have said and you yourself , you will get though it and it has already happened despite the fact you would have not planned it in this situation , go with your gut feeling.

ohnonotagainagain · 23/06/2019 08:38

Like you said yourself, you can always find a way through. It sounds like you want this baby, so have the baby and you'll find a way to deal with everything else. CongratulationsFlowers

Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:39

Family are outside London, relocation not something we've thought about (I left home for good reasons) and not sure we'd get much by way of support even if we did but certainly something to consider.

Our flat is relatively cheap for the area, and while we could potentially get cheaper we'd be losing the size and I'd also worry about risking a less stable tenancy as we know people who have to move every year due to landlords selling etc. We were evicted from our last place for that reason when DS was a year old and while I know there are no guarantees, I'm fairly sure this landlord won't be kicking us out any time soon. When factoring the cost of moving in, I think it's beneficial for us to stay here unless we leave London altogether

OP posts:
Auramigraine · 23/06/2019 08:40

I think you will get through it and life does have a funny way of working itself out...... a lot can change in a year.

I would go ahead with the pregnancy.

Auramigraine · 23/06/2019 08:40

And congrats Flowers

Jemimapuddleduckpancake · 23/06/2019 08:41

I would go ahead with the pregnancy if I could, and have done in a similar situation. The pregnancy was actually the shock that made us change our situation, get on track with saving, re-evaluate our work situations etc. I worked and saved as soon as I found out I was pregnant, and took a short maternity leave so I could return to work. DH was also a SAHP and so this obviously helped me be able to return to work. It might not be easy but it might not be anywhere near as hard as you imagine. There's very rarely a perfect time to have a baby, most people have to figure it out and have the same nerves/stress/insecurity at first.

IvanaPee · 23/06/2019 08:41

@onthedouble fair enough if relocating wouldn’t work.

I wouldn’t even say necessarily to family but just somewhere with a lower cost of living! However, if it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t work.

Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:42

@emelsie I was surprised too but I think it's because we're in London. As I say, most of it would have been child tax credits in the old system but our area has been full UC for a few years now. It's the difference between having £40 a week for food and nothing else after bills, and having enough to actually live! We don't have holidays, I can't buy new clothes, rarely have a haircut, we struggle if something breaks etc - so it's very, very much appreciated. I've been told under tax credits I would actually have been eligible for more!

OP posts:
WantLifeToBeBetter · 23/06/2019 08:43

We're in a similar position in terms of partners health and employment and had decided to just try for one child as the strain of two might be too much for DP to cope with, plus long term prospects for my earning power aren't great (sadly I've just had a miscarriage so even one night not be possible but we'll see). Not saying that you 'should' terminate at all of course but I could understand if you wanted to stop at one. If you contact Marie Stopes I think they offer counselling. Good luck Flowers

Tinyteatime · 23/06/2019 08:53

A similar thing happened to me. Our living situation was very less than ideal (lodging with family) dh was training for a new profession, eldest daughter was 3. We wouldn’t have considered trying for another until our situation changed but it happened and we decided to go with it because we knew we wanted another child, and the 3 year age gap is just about perfect. No regrets. It’s also quite nice to know I’m done earlier rather than having the pre school years drag on and on. Good luck with whatever you decide.

emelsie · 23/06/2019 08:54

Ahh ok , we are just outside of London in the south east , my OH earns about the same as you , I can understand it wouldn't go a long way in London , good luck with everything !

Girliefriendlikescake · 23/06/2019 08:54

Yes I would have a baby in those circumstances.

Congratulations op.

If you lived in my area of the world (Somerset) 40k a year would make you well off! That's almost double my salary and I've been able to part buy my house and we have a couple of Uk holidays a year. Could you do your job in other parts of the country?

yeahokright · 23/06/2019 08:58

I think it's not ideal but of course you will get through. People have children in worse situations. It sounds like it's meant to be. Congratulations Thanks

Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:58

@Girliefriendlikescake yes I know, I feel very lucky, I wouldn't have dreamed of this salary just a couple of years ago. I could probably command more in a different industry (I'm in the arts) so it's a possibility. I don't like my job though and think I'm in the wrong profession! However it's something to think about for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 08:59

@Tinyteatime glad to hear it worked out for you! I think my biggest worry is DH. I know I'll do anything to make it work but I'm not so sure he will. But I might be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 09:00

Thanks @WantLifeToBeBetter and I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers I hope it works out for you x

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 23/06/2019 09:01

I don't think now is the time for getting carried away with the warm fuzzies. You've got no financial buffer for anything, let alone having another child. At the moment you both have good health - that can change.

Both children will grow up in a world where their education is likely to cost you a lot if current government is anything to go by. You're in your thirties so what is the likelihood you'll retrain or get promoted to a level where suddenly those problems melt away?

Will your children be disadvantaged by your not having enough money to meet all your needs as a family?

Whenever I see these threads I understand that the child is dearly wanted but not necessarily thought of as a being in its own right who will grow and ultimately be responsible for itself. I believe we have a duty to do the absolute best by the children we have

One child really is enough in anyone's circumstances, the world simply can't cope with overpopulation. But everyone thinks their situation is different.

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, but I just wanted to counter the "follow your heart" replies.

Original poster
onthedouble · 23/06/2019 09:02

Thanks @Jemimapuddleduckpancake. How long did you take for maternity? If we do go ahead I know it'll have to be short for me too.

OP posts: