Would you have a baby in these circumstances? Or have you?

[onthedouble]

I've just found out I'm pregnant despite being on the pill. Not sure how far along (I don't have periods) but feeling 'pregnant' for the last week and based on when we last had sex I guess I'd be about 4-5 weeks max. Genuinely shocked as I thought I wasn't ovulating at all and I can't recall any occasions I've missed a pill, been sick or taken it late etc.

I have a DS age 3, and we have talked about having another but (evidently) hadn't got round to actually deciding to go ahead, if we even would.

Our circumstances are that DH is a SAHP, we rent in London and have no savings. DS is at nursery a couple of days a week and has been for about 6 weeks so DH hasn't yet found any work for those days (or more). DH suffers from poor mental health and our relationship has been particularly difficult over the last two years. I work ft and have a decent salary (around £40k) and we get UC (which would have been child tax credits, plus a little housing benefit) on top. Money is always tight despite this, hence lack of anything other than a hundred pounds or so emergency savings.

We're both in shock. It's something we want, but weren't prepared for emotionally or practically. That said, having experienced a few difficult things when DS was born I feel like you can pretty much get through anything if you try.

I was awake all night panicking and veering between happy and excited and shit scared. I had a termination many years ago for very different reasons and am pro choice but having since had a child I'm not sure I could do it again unless I absolutely had to for health reasons, as I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness for the other time. I'm also aware it's something we want, and age isn't on our side either (I'm mid thirties, DH early 40s). DH is worried that it'll change our relationship with DS but equally has said in the past he doesn't want him being an only child. DS has reached an age where he's desperate for a baby brother or sister (although I realise that's meaningless).

Would it be totally irresponsible to bring another child into this, given our precarious financial situation (I couldn't even afford maternity leave at this point) and less than perfect relationship? I feel so torn and am not sure what to do - my heart tells me to go ahead but my head is screaming are you mad?! I also feel like if we were to terminate, that wouldn't just be a decision for this child but also a decision against any future children, so it feels like a very loaded one.

Does anyone have any similar experience and what did you decide/how did it work out?

Congratulations OP. Yes lovely news for you even if unexpected.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I'd say the main problem is he hasn't really been looking

“DH suffers from poor mental health and our relationship has been particularly difficult over the last two years”.

Is he a SAHD because of his MH? Are you Ok with that, short term and longer term? Is he doing everything possible to address his health condition(s)?

Would you be happy with 50% or less residency of the DC should you break up? (Half of marriages do).

I would. You hsve time to make plans to make it work. Good luck to you. It is hard dealing with MH issues.

I think DC2 sounds unwise in the circumstances.

@LadyOfTheCanyon not harsh at all and exactly my thoughts. As it stands wed struggle even one education let alone two. Although noone in my family went to uni except me and they all earn more so I don't think it's the be all and end all! But all very good points.

@Loopytiles no he's a sahp by accident and has low earning potential so it was the best option at the time. He struggles even with one so I don't think it's a long term option and I'd rather he was working at least part time to have more balance.

Yes he's doing all he can to address his health, medication/counselling/lifestyle changes etc.

If we split there's no way I'd cope with not being resident parent whereas I feel he'd actually (sadness aside) probably be happier overall as he wouldn't have the daily pressure. That said he's a very good dad and is getting the help he needs.

Seems like the top priority, for several reasons, should be him returning to work. Would that be affordable with two DC? How would it affect your benefits?

In the event of a split, would he be likely seek over 50% with the Dc? If he did he may get it, as the primary carer. I personally wouldn’t want to take that risk.

I’d keep the baby and move somewhere completely new and have a lovely fresh start! Doesn’t have to be where your family are. We left London 7 weeks after DS1 was born and never looked back, quality of life is so much better out here (only 40 mins into Waterloo so doesn’t even have to be that drastic of a move). Congratulations!

@BendydickCuminsnatch aw, glad you're happy where you are now!

@Loopytiles depends on his salary but I've done a quick look and it's doable, if tight. Depends on lots of factors though.

I don't think he'd seek anything if we did split, he wouldn't have a clue about anything like that and he's also not malicious. However I also hope that wouldn't happen!

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

I have had a child in similar circumstances, admittedly over 20 years ago so some things have change and in NZ (ex was a kiwi, but I returned to the UK when DD was young after the split). It was really not ideal circumstances. I worked FT on an ok wage but ex was on low wages, did nights.

This was all before maternity leave pay and I ended up going back to work when DD was 3 months old.

We coped but probably because ex did nights/ weekends so childcare costs was low. But going back to work FT when DD was only 3 months old was utter shit as DD wasn't a sleeper, we were constantly poor (always arguments about money), only had a heater and that was in DD's room.

We lived in an expensive cold area (another story), sky high mortgage. Living pay day to pay day.

I wouldn't change DD for the world, but it was extremely hard, esp when I split with ex when DD was 2. Freezing in the winter, ate crap food, I know I suffered anxiety over money problems and guilt over DD.

DD has always been loved and I have always done my best by her even if we lived in a crappy area in a tiny house.

We were in a similar situation with similar income, also renting in London. I decided to keep the baby and we moved out of London. Life is much easier now. Ironically, DH's career took off once we left London and we could prob afford to stay on the money we have now, but we don't want to because we love our little seaside town.

Have just realised how 'I decided to keep the baby' could be construed as me not consulting with DH. He was on board with it too!

Also back to maternity leave, I would not recommend a short maternity leave at all, it just isn't enough time to spend with your baby. One of my biggest regrets in life was missing out on DD's early months, but there was simply no choice otherwise there would be no food on the table.

Congratulations

You do realise there are millions living week to to week and month to month. It would be great to have savings, buffers but you have a good, it sound as if your flat is spacious and as you say 'cheap for the area'. You have talked about having another baby, so when would be the right time?

If your first child is three, by the time the baby arrives, they will be most school age, which will save the nursery expense. Plenty of people live without family support on big cities. What about friends, what about DH's family?

The only red flag in this is your DH's mental health - your circumstances are no different from a lot of others but your DH seems a little fragile and that would be my only concern. What does he say about it?

And a big thumbs down to the poster coming on board to quote over population.

Oh and OP you need to think about would you be able to cope with your child has SN? Having sole responsibility with someone with a disability is tough going both emotionally and the practicalities , esp on a limited income despite a welfare state, that is getting more and more stretched!.

My DD has epilepsy and even though it is a manageable disease it has been hard as a single parent to cope with the initial diagnosis on my own and to support my daughter in looking after health.

I dont think your situation is massively different to a large amount of the general population. Decide about the baby based on whether you want to keep the baby. Its conceived now, so is a different set of considerations than if you were trying to decide whether to ttc or not. In that situation, I'd probably say no, but hey, some things are just meant to be and there IS more to life than money.

God this is a tough one. You’re barely getting by as you are now with just one child. But you’re mid thirties... I think I your situation I was seriously consider terminating. Would DH’s MH issues suffer with the extra pressure of another child? I think in your circumstances I’d focus on having the one child & improving your current situation as much as possible.

I would keep. Take ds1 out of nursery and DH keep as SAHP. Save as much as you can. Baby stuff can be picked up so cheap nowadays. As someone else said, it is later that they become more expensive. You can do it and it sounds like you would regret not having it. I've just had my second a little earlier then expected and we relocated out of London and I'm now a sahm. Made more sense financially. We are doing better then we thought we would. Budgeting better and getting second hand stuff. Good luck xx

I won't say whether you should have the baby or not, but it does sound like a very precarious situation.

Our flat is relatively cheap for the area

What would happen if the rent increased in line with other properties in the area?

It's the difference between having £40 a week for food and nothing else after bills, and having enough to actually live!

I know babies can be cheap but if things are this tight then I would worry about the expenses of a second child.

Yes, I definitely would. At your age it may be your last shot at having a second child. Your life doesn’t sound awfully unstable, I’d do it.

Thank you all, so much of this is reflecting my very conflicted thoughts but it's good to hear some experiences and of course your opinions. We'll have time today and over the week to talk about it and figure out what's best for us. It's so hard having these thoughts at 2am with no sleep in sight but I feel better this morning and hopefully as the shock wears off I'll be more capable of sensible thinking!

I think you’ve probably answered your own question when you say that you’d struggle with terminating a pregnancy for reasons other than health.

If you go ahead it will be a struggle but not necessarily much worse than your current position. I’d spend the next months getting your finances as healthy as possible and getting your DH into work.