Would you have a baby in these circumstances? Or have you?

[onthedouble]

I've just found out I'm pregnant despite being on the pill. Not sure how far along (I don't have periods) but feeling 'pregnant' for the last week and based on when we last had sex I guess I'd be about 4-5 weeks max. Genuinely shocked as I thought I wasn't ovulating at all and I can't recall any occasions I've missed a pill, been sick or taken it late etc.

I have a DS age 3, and we have talked about having another but (evidently) hadn't got round to actually deciding to go ahead, if we even would.

Our circumstances are that DH is a SAHP, we rent in London and have no savings. DS is at nursery a couple of days a week and has been for about 6 weeks so DH hasn't yet found any work for those days (or more). DH suffers from poor mental health and our relationship has been particularly difficult over the last two years. I work ft and have a decent salary (around £40k) and we get UC (which would have been child tax credits, plus a little housing benefit) on top. Money is always tight despite this, hence lack of anything other than a hundred pounds or so emergency savings.

We're both in shock. It's something we want, but weren't prepared for emotionally or practically. That said, having experienced a few difficult things when DS was born I feel like you can pretty much get through anything if you try.

I was awake all night panicking and veering between happy and excited and shit scared. I had a termination many years ago for very different reasons and am pro choice but having since had a child I'm not sure I could do it again unless I absolutely had to for health reasons, as I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness for the other time. I'm also aware it's something we want, and age isn't on our side either (I'm mid thirties, DH early 40s). DH is worried that it'll change our relationship with DS but equally has said in the past he doesn't want him being an only child. DS has reached an age where he's desperate for a baby brother or sister (although I realise that's meaningless).

Would it be totally irresponsible to bring another child into this, given our precarious financial situation (I couldn't even afford maternity leave at this point) and less than perfect relationship? I feel so torn and am not sure what to do - my heart tells me to go ahead but my head is screaming are you mad?! I also feel like if we were to terminate, that wouldn't just be a decision for this child but also a decision against any future children, so it feels like a very loaded one.

Does anyone have any similar experience and what did you decide/how did it work out?

I'd do it if I were going to leave London. It would be very hard to manage otherwise, and I would not prioritise staying in the capital over either a wanted pregnancy or keeping the family out of extreme financial precarity.

You aren't earning enough to justify living there, it's not like you enjoy your job anyway, you don't seem to have much of a support network and you're reliant on a private landlord deciding not to increase the rent in line with other properties in the area.

I'm torn. Three years is such a lovely age gap and considering you were planning on having another child in the future I think it would be a great shame to terminate this pregnancy OP. Then again the state of your DH's mental state would be a worry to me. Is he doing anything to help himself there OP? If not I would urge him to do so before the baby comes along.

@Aprillygirl yes he's doing everything he can, medication, counselling etc

Leaving London may be the longer term solution but it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation finding a new job etc, let alone even deciding where to go and finding money for the move. Rents aren't much cheaper until you're quite far out of London then that's a whole different set of circumstances to deal with. Plus as I say we're then at the mercy of a new landlord who might screw us over, whereas our current one is fairly safe, as far as these things go. Never say never though

Age gap would be just over 4 years, same as me and my brother, we didn't get on as kids (well, teens) but do as adults.

DH doesn't have any living relatives sadly.

We found ourselves in a similar situation and now have two children. Our financial situation and health issues of my DH have improved over time and am now so glad we did it when we did. It was quite tough from 0 to about 2 years in terms of being busy / no time to ourselves. But then that too suddenly became much easier - kids started playing together, older child started free hours etc.

Would you regret things if you decided to terminate and then couldn't have a second later on?

Yes, obviously you'd need to go beyond the south east. I'd choose a large city with a decent economy like Leeds, Birmingham or Manchester. Relocation costs will be a difficulty, but they'll be a one off difficulty. Unlike a potential rent increase.

Congratulations. I would go ahead if having a second child is something you would like and would have done in future. It sounds like your money situation may be unlikely to change for a while so, unless you don't want another child, I'd go ahead

If I were you in this situation my head would say no, but my heart would say yes.

Going from one child to two was difficult. And even though we found even just the one difficult, we thought maybe it wouldn't be difficult but it was!

We had some of the difficulties that you face with regards to you situation. But we were younger and oh I wish we had waited a few more years! I honestly think a bigger gap 5-6 years would have been so much more helpful. But we didn't wait. And we made it through and now I love what we have and the dc have a lovely sibling relationship.

With the greatest of respect OP, this is a humdinger as you have several highly stressful factors at play here

• low income and existing money stress
• DH unable to work as he is ill
• little space
• rocky relationship

The only ones that could transform with a move away from London (not back to where you grew up) are the income and space factors. One could go down and the other up, depending on whether you moved to say Milton Keynes, Maidstone or Manchester. I don’t know what you do or what DH does so hard for me to say what’s best.

However I don’t think that list above is reason to terminate in itself but I would look long and hard at your domestic situation and ask yourself what ideal looks like and work towards that if you decide to go ahead.

Without being the prophet of doom here, also consider the above as a single parent too. Even the most rock solid of relationships can sprout fault lines when a new baby comes along, especially one that’s unplanned.

Money will be less tight after Maternity leave. You'll get more UC and Child benefit. If you still have DC1's clothes and baby supplies all it will cost is nappies and formula/new bottles if you go down that route.

I would also suggest looking at moving outside of London OP if you can relocate with your job. The increase is quality of life will be dramatic.

*in quality of life

We actually did move, for better work prospects. That did work out for us. We had nothing to lose as we had no family support where we were (and then moved to a new city where we still had no support )

However do not underestimate the pressures of moving with young dc, no family or friends .... especially on a tight budget!

You asked what I would do.

If I was on the pill, it would be because I'd decided that I didn't want to be pregnant right now. I would continue to not want to be pregnant right now and would take steps to become unpregnant as soon as possible.

("not wanting" encompasses "thinking it's not a good plan right now", it's not just a feeling it's a decision)

I only have one child. The only reason we have never tried for another is because we felt our financial situation was too precarious (dp is self employed, has zero pension, we have stretched ourselves as far as we can to buy a 2 bed house and have absolutely no chance of moving to a 3 bed). If I'd accidentally got pregnant, I would keep it despite not planning it. Many of my friends have has a second (or more) child despite being in financially precarious situations.

But it's not just about finances in your case op.