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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want family heirloom cot?

77 replies

CotDilemma · 22/06/2019 21:41

Our baby is the first grandchild.

My father is very keen (insistent, really) that we use the cot that myself and my siblings used when we were babies; that my grandfather (his father) made.

It is mahogany with a very dark red-brown vanish and has become quite scuffed over the years. One one side there is an area where large plastic beads are threaded over metal rods which have now rusted. And the cot sides are fastened with metal fittings/poles that have become quite dull/rusted with age. I must admit, I don't like the style or colour of it at all and it matches nothing we own.

It is an unusual size which means we will need to purchase a custom made mattress.

I have negotiated with my father that if we use it I will paint it (initially he wasn't happy but I think he has accepted it). I am dreading the work involved in sanding, priming and painting it, how it will look afterward, and how I will remove/replace the section with the metal rods/plastic beads??

I am sooo tempted by the easy peasy option of buying a 2nd hand cot that is so much more attractive without the rusting metal, with a standard mattress, minimal work involved for less than it will cost to order a custom made mattress and buy materials to paint/refurbish this one. I've tortured myself by having a look on FB marketplace / Ebay and there are lots of lovely ones very nearby at incredibly reasonable prices. Furthermore, these can be adapted into a toddler bed - something that I think might be useful in future as we would like a potential 2nd child to share the same room for a few years (not enough space for 2 single beds).

BUT the cot has this sentimental value to my father and my parents have been (and continue to be) extremely kind and generous. My dad has helped us an awful lot with refurbishments in our house. I can't bear the thought of hurting his feelings and being ungrateful. I have already had to turn down some other very old fashioned mahogany furniture made by grandpa that my Dad wanted to offload!

I asked my mum to gauge how important us keeping the cot was to dad, she said it was sturdy and served them very well, but she doesn't think we should have to keep it. My mum's reasonableness has actually made me feel worse...

I think I probably have to keep the cot and pretend to love it, don't I? Any ideas on how I can learn to love it, or what I can do about the metal rods/beads bit?

Be mean if I deserve it! It will help me to do the "right thing"

OP posts:
Celebelly · 22/06/2019 21:44

Old cots often don't meet current safety standards re: width of space between bars, for one. Could you go down that route? There have been a few high profile cases of babies who died after getting their head stuck between the bars.

Neighneigh · 22/06/2019 21:46

I would take time to accept it, take longer to refurbish it, and oops got to buy a modern one because hey ho the baby's here. I see your point in trying not to hurt his feelings but safety standards have moved on for a reason (cot standards even changed between me having ds1 & Ds2)

welshsoph · 22/06/2019 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mayjane5 · 22/06/2019 21:48

Could you use the wood to make into a little chair for the nursery?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 22/06/2019 21:49

My parents really wanted me to have my old cot from childhood. I politely declined as it wasn't the one is was after, but suggested that they set it up at their house for when we stay with them, it actually turned out to be really useful and we used it quite a bit as they live a few hours from us. It was clean, sturdy and they purchased a new made to measure mattress for it so I was happy with its safety and it was way more comfortable than a travel cot!

I'm sure it has sentimental value but you shouldn't feel forced into it if it's not what you would go for...

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/06/2019 21:49

If it's still safe I would take it but get someone else to refurbish it.

firawla · 22/06/2019 21:50

Can you ask them to keep it at their house and you will use it for the baby when you stay over? You’ll be able to get some pictures etc to treasure while not having the inconvenience of it on a day to day basis? If your dad doesn’t want that because it’s too inconvenient for them, then he might start to understand and pick up some of your mums stance?

Drum2018 · 22/06/2019 21:50

No you don't have to take it. Tell him you've read up on safety requirements and rust and layers of varnish just don't make the cut. Tell him you appreciate the offer but a mahogany cot won't fit with the decor of the room. There is no sense in taking it, resenting the fact that you'd have to spend time and money getting it to a usable standard, and not even liking it in the first place. Maybe another sibling would be delighted with it and they have lots of time between now and having kids to do it up.

VimFuego101 · 22/06/2019 21:50

Old cots are not necessarily safe due to drop sides/ space between bars. Could you make it into a little day bed/ sofa for when the baby is older?

WeeDangerousSpike · 22/06/2019 21:51

Safety was my immediate reaction to this too.
Could you run through how it doesn't comply with your mum and get her to convince him to let the subject go?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 21:54

There is no way that old cot meets safety standards. You should not even be entertaining the idea to use it. You are a grown woman who will soon have a baby to care for, therefore you should be mature enough to stand up to your father and tell him NO, I will not be using this cot. If he has a tantrum, that's his problem.

CotDilemma · 22/06/2019 21:55

I should have mentioned my baby is 8 months old and growing out of his bedside/travel cot. I've already put off this decision as long as possible!

I hadn't thought about safety standards - my grandfather made it, I don't know to what specification.

It feels sturdy and safe (rusted metal rods/beads section excluded - mainly I think my baby could try to bit the metal rods and hurt his teeth, or trap his arm) and I don't think my baby could possibly fit his head between the bars, certainly could get an arm or a leg through?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 21:56

Are you really going to put your father's ridiculous demands above the safety of your baby? I should hope the answer is no.

Tiptopj · 22/06/2019 21:56

I'm afraid I'd say I didn't want it. I'd be to worried about how safe it was now especially as its starting to rust. The thing is, you cant put other people's feelings above what you feel is right for your own child. Just explain that you feel anxious about how safe and practical it is and whilst you appreciate the gesture it wouldn't give you any joy to use it. Also, hes being sentimental and excited about becoming a grandad, once the baby is here he will be so swept up and in love all feelings about the cot will probably be forgotten anyway

meow1989 · 22/06/2019 21:57

We have been offered family things like old toys and cribs but politely declined for safety reasons where relevant (toys for example with flaking paint or the plastic Lego that there was a warning about not long ago).

One thing I've learnt about parenting is that you quite often have to go ahead and risk offending someone for the sake of your babies safety or your preferences as parents (people wanting to give certain foods, people not washing hands with newborn, kissing on lips etc(.

Your dad, whilst his intentions are lovely and he has been very helpful needs to respect your decision as parents, and if you explain the safety concerns (pp comment about cot bar width very relevant) .

I like the idea of the cot being upcycled into something else if that is an option.

Newyearnewunicorn · 22/06/2019 21:57

Your baby might not ever sleep in a cot or hardly ever sleep in it so the opportunity to use it may never arise.
Could it be used as playpen or converted into a baby fence to fence off the tv and fire in the living room?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 22/06/2019 21:57

There is a lady near me who sells upcycled furniture, she does a lot of her own stuff but is also happy to do whatever you like to pieces you already own, she did an amazing job on my gran's old writing bureau (she was going to throw it away so I asked to have it) , not just a slap of chalk paint, she did a lovely job and wasn't very expensive given the amount of time it would have taken me and the end result would have been nowhere near as professional. I'd imagine there are similar people in most areas. Could that be an option?

dimsum123 · 22/06/2019 21:58

The paint would have to be non toxic, how would you get rid of the rust?

You don't want to hurt your dad's feelings, but your baby's health and safety should come first.

mbosnz · 22/06/2019 22:00

Oh dear. This reminds me of the family bassinet. We have oodles of lovely photos of our children sleeping in the bassinet. They didn't, they really didn't. It was a death trap.

But the photos kept 'em happy.

(Turned out later that my sister flat out refused the damned bassinet. . . I thought I had to have it because SHE'D had it!)

Rezie · 22/06/2019 22:01

How often your parents visit? Can you just take it and not use it. Have it the corner and make the bed with "good enough" mattress and let it sit in the corner. Then use the one you want in reality?

happymummy12345 · 22/06/2019 22:06

Ds was in the crib my grandparents got when they were expecting my mum. Every baby in our family has been in it, so no way would I not have used it. It was still is good as new, and a new mattress was ordered (was an odd size so we had to order it). But I loved using it (was nice knowing it was passed down)

CotDilemma · 22/06/2019 22:13

Also, awkwardly we have already accepted the cot, it's at our house.

I thought you were all going to say I was being horrible, ungrateful and ridiculous. I was in such a fluster about this.

Now I'm thinking I'll just buy the really nice nearby 2nd hand one that doesn't need anything doing, and fake some pictures in the cot for my parents?! Maybe if I pretend he has used it for a few weeks it will be easier to explain to my dad that's it's not worked out?

(Just to be clear, the cot isn't made from toxic materials and on the face of it has very standard bar spacings, the metal parts that rusted I would have had to remove. It plainly isn't a deathtrap, but I completely see the point about safety considerations - I won't argue it with my dad (he doesn't appreciate that anything can be dangerous), but it's helping my own conviction).

OP posts:
Millie2018 · 22/06/2019 22:19

Remove one row of bars and use it as a reading bench/space. Please don’t put your baby to sleep in it unless you are certain it conforms to current safety standards.

BollocksToBrexit · 22/06/2019 22:20

Could you convert it into a desk like one of these?

www.pinterest.se/pin/522699100484775188/?autologin=true