To not want family heirloom cot?

[CotDilemma]

Our baby is the first grandchild.

My father is very keen (insistent, really) that we use the cot that myself and my siblings used when we were babies; that my grandfather (his father) made.

It is mahogany with a very dark red-brown vanish and has become quite scuffed over the years. One one side there is an area where large plastic beads are threaded over metal rods which have now rusted. And the cot sides are fastened with metal fittings/poles that have become quite dull/rusted with age. I must admit, I don't like the style or colour of it at all and it matches nothing we own.

It is an unusual size which means we will need to purchase a custom made mattress.

I have negotiated with my father that if we use it I will paint it (initially he wasn't happy but I think he has accepted it). I am dreading the work involved in sanding, priming and painting it, how it will look afterward, and how I will remove/replace the section with the metal rods/plastic beads??

I am sooo tempted by the easy peasy option of buying a 2nd hand cot that is so much more attractive without the rusting metal, with a standard mattress, minimal work involved for less than it will cost to order a custom made mattress and buy materials to paint/refurbish this one. I've tortured myself by having a look on FB marketplace / Ebay and there are lots of lovely ones very nearby at incredibly reasonable prices. Furthermore, these can be adapted into a toddler bed - something that I think might be useful in future as we would like a potential 2nd child to share the same room for a few years (not enough space for 2 single beds).

BUT the cot has this sentimental value to my father and my parents have been (and continue to be) extremely kind and generous. My dad has helped us an awful lot with refurbishments in our house. I can't bear the thought of hurting his feelings and being ungrateful. I have already had to turn down some other very old fashioned mahogany furniture made by grandpa that my Dad wanted to offload!

I asked my mum to gauge how important us keeping the cot was to dad, she said it was sturdy and served them very well, but she doesn't think we should have to keep it. My mum's reasonableness has actually made me feel worse...

I think I probably have to keep the cot and pretend to love it, don't I? Any ideas on how I can learn to love it, or what I can do about the metal rods/beads bit?

Be mean if I deserve it! It will help me to do the "right thing"

Aren’t the plastic beads a potential choking hazard? They can fall out or be pulled out

There is no way that old cot meets safety standards. You should not even be entertaining the idea to use it. You are a grown woman who will soon have a baby to care for, therefore you should be mature enough to stand up to your father and tell him NO, I will not be using this cot. If he has a tantrum, that's his problem.

This. I can't believe anyone would entertain this.

I had a beautiful family heirloom cot for my two children way back in the 1970 era, also a beautiful old chest of drawers for the baby room. I painted them up, and did some sanding down of the chest of drawers. The cot was lovely, and there used to be no problems with safety issues re the cot, as several babies had used it many times before, in years gone by.. but I have always loved doing up old stuff over the years.

You don't have to have it at all.

My MIL had kept their old cot "for the grandchildren" but we didn't take it. My parents bought us the one I wanted when I was expecting DD1.

MIL still put her cot up in her own house. They proudly showed it to us, but admitted that they hadn't been able to get the correct mattress size anymore so there was a large gap on each side.that DD could easily have slid down and become trapped. Even MIL could see that it was far from safe.

I put newborn DD down to sleep in the carrycot from her pram instead. By the next visit I had bought a travel cot which I simply put up in the room we were using.

By any further visits the marvellous "family heirloom cot" had disappeared and was never seen again.

I wasn't confrontational about it, but I never had it in my house, and I took my own stuff whenever we travelled anywhere. So I just never used it.

We were given an old heirloom cot, it was horrible and a complete liability. I put DS in it for a few photos and then kept it downstairs “for naps” and never put him n it. It turned into a toy storer until another great grandchild came along and then I offered it up to the next family with a sigh of relief and never mentioned getting it back for my future dc

Stop being so friggin British and awkward and say you don't want to use it because of all the reasons above.

Stop trying to please people over supposed heirlooms!

How about a simple 'Sorry Dad I've not had time to fix up the cots and nor can we get the right size mattress for it. So I've purchased a newer second hand cot. Do you want grampas back to turn into a bench or something?

it really is best to be firm and not accept old bits of furniture (which is all the cot is

No, it isn't just an old bit of furniture. It's obviously something that means a very great deal to the OP's father. By turning it down, she's going to really hurt him. If it's safe, I'd definitely use it, OP. If it's not safe, I'd pretend I was using it.

FFS. So much pointless angst.

So what if the OP's father is hurt. The item is not fit for purpose. People need to stop being so dweeby.

It's not like it's some special piece that goes back to the 16th c.

Tell Dad your Health visitor saw it and told you not to use it under any circumstances
Thereby putting the 'blame' on someone other than yourself. I am sure you can manage to look really sad about not being able to use something so special.....

OP since you know it doesn't meet current safety standards and other posters have explained in detail exactly why then tell your dad that. Make sure your mum hears as well, so he can't offer the death trap to someone else.

Then ask him to take it back and repurpose it, or you will be taking it to the tip.

If he doesn't remove it in 6 months then take it to the tip.

I really don’t understand how this is so hard. The cot isn’t to you taste and is potentially dangerous. You just have to say sorry but it doesn’t meet current safety standards. Your baby is likely to be moving around a lot more soon. At 9 months, mine was pulling up on the cot and gnawing at it, she liked sticking her legs though the bars etc. There is no way I’d have had a cot that didn’t meet safety standards.

Yes you dad might be a bit sad but he is a grown up that needs to get over it and realise the safety of your baby has to come first. You need to put your baby ahead of your dad- it would be utterly ridiculous not to.

Just say no. You are a grown up, your father is a grown up, he should be able to handle you saying "no". Please don't take chances with your baby's safety to appease a grown man.

I had this exact same issue with MiL. Like you I wanted to create my own memories and buy my own cot. She was very upset when I declined the use of her cot. It's not even like it's been in the family for as long as yours has. It was something she purchased for her kids.

Honestly if I'd known she'd make it into a thing I'd have just accepted it and put it in the garage.

Agree with someone else, blame the health visitor saying it is unsafe for sleeping in and use as toy storage

I would do the making it into a bench thing. I wish I had done that rather than getting rid of ours.

Or even better - ask your dad to do it...

Thank you all for your help! Very clear responses overall. Obviously I won't be using it because it does have some problems compared to a modern cot (mainly I think it is potentially more climable) .

I do think some posters have become a bit hysterical though. It isn't a death trap, it was used for several babies over several years by my parents with no incidents. My baby wouldn't be able to crush himself to death between the bars, if ones spaced 0.5cm more closely are perfectly safe for babies 1/2 to 1/3rd his size!

I don't think it's that strange to want to spare my dad's feelings - I owe him a great deal and he's my dad. Of course he can handle me saying no, he isn't a maniac(!) but I can still choose to be as kind as possible. He always wanted to be closer to his own father which is the reason he (overly) treasures all of the things he made. I will find my own way of approaching him about it. I quite like the health visitor idea, thank you for that! And the idea of adapting the cot into something that can be used. Perhaps if I worked on a project to refurbish into a toy box or bench with my dad, that would make him happy.

If the woods still fine and big enough, why not sand it down and repurpose it into a toddler bed? Then it will be safe and can still be handed down.

I understand not wanting to hurt. I had to upset my parents but their old cot was unsafe, you couldnt keep the collapsible side up and they wouldn't want to change it.

Glad that we could help.

I have kept my little girl's moses basket as a place for teddies to sleep. Or just as cute storage. It will last much longer and they will love it more as they will remember it unlike a cot. It is why many are changing them into chairs.

I had the same problem with DHs old cot. In the emd i suggested it stay at their house for sleepovers.

We live 10 mins away so no need for DD to sleep over and she hasnt done so for the last 5 years

OP I’m totally with you - I would be torn as well because of course you want to spare your dad’s feelings.

I think if you work on a project to repurpose it (if you like doing that sort of thing) that would be lovely. Then both you and your grandfather have invested time and energy in it.

You have to put your baby’s safety ahead of your dad’s sentimentality. I would buy the cot you want as you urgently need somewhere for the baby to sleep, and just keep the heirloom cot out of the way. Talk to your mum about it, sounds like she’s onside, and ask her to talk your dad round.

Alternatively, tell them the health visitor had a look at it and told you it wasn’t safe to use.

I agree with EdtheBear. Your baby is 8m old, you don’t have time to sand it, etc and your baby has outgrown his bedside cot so you need to get a new one

Probably already been mentioned as i’ve only skim read but can’t you convinced your dad to keep it at his house for when the baby sleeps there?
Carry on with the refurb project together to get rid of beads and rust etc and when you visit and baby needs a nap use it then and when baby goes for sleep overs. Assuming it meets safety standards.