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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To argue with DH about the news even though he is feeling a bit low?

51 replies

DesperatelySeekingSarah · 21/06/2019 21:55

DH have always had polar opposite political views and will often see an event completely differently. A major part of our relationship has been us arguing our corner in terms of how we see a situation and our underlying beliefs. We never argue about anything else though as DH cannot cope with conflict or confrontation. He closes down if we have a disagreement and refuses to talk about it ( for context, he has high functioning ASC and finds it almost impossible to see other people's POV)
Tonight, I started a conversation about the climate change skirmish where the man grabbed the woman and escorted her out the room. We had opposite view about it, as usual, but then DH shut the conversation down and refused to talk about it any further, as if it was a proper argument.
He said he didn't know what I was trying to achieve by discussing it and refused to talk to me. He has been a bit unwell recently in terms of mental health, but AIBU to feel a bit sad that a major part of our relationship seems to be too much for him to handle. I've made huge adjustments to our lives to accommodate him while he is feeling fragile and this just feels like another thing I'm having to change because his way of dealing with things is to bury his head in the sand and wait until it goes away.
He is a clever bloke and I like arguing with him about politics! Its part of what makes us who we are as a couple.... I'm just a bit sad now

OP posts:
Beldon · 22/06/2019 07:24

Maybe what you consider a major part of your relationship is something he has never liked doing, it would really bore me having political debates all the time at home, esp if feeling mentally fragile. I dated a man who thought he was very clever and would turn every comment and news story into a big debate, but his arguments were often ridiculous and cause loads of frustration, I would end up having to try shut it down before I lost my temper. I have suffered depression in the past and it is difficult and sometimes impossible to get thoughts straight, so debating is something I couldn’t do. It may be that the relationship isn’t for you both anymore and you need to be with someone that you feel challenges you, he may need a calmer home life.

Sirzy · 22/06/2019 07:27

It sounds like you are trying to peck away to make him change his views rather than respecting you don’t agree.

What was there to carry it on about? Not every conversation needs to become a debate!

Hithere12 · 22/06/2019 07:58

I’d find that annoying tbh. I like having stimulating conversations about the world. I’d hate it if my boyfriend refused to talk about a big event because we disagreed on it.

topcat2014 · 22/06/2019 10:47

That would be hard work to me. I watch the news but don't want to argue with anyone about it. Who I vote for and why is my business. I am not going to put myself in an early grave stressing about stuff I cannot change.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 22/06/2019 10:49

YABU. The poor bloke is unwell and you’re pissed at him for not fully partaking in a political argument?!

Guavaf1sh · 22/06/2019 10:54

YABU - he clearly doesn’t enjoy arguing for no reason so leave him alone

VivienneHolt · 22/06/2019 10:56

I think if it’s something he’s struggling with at the moment because he’s unwell you should cut him some slack.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 22/06/2019 10:58

I understand that robust sparing is something you normally enjoy, but it doesn't seem kind to start that type of heated debate if he's currently mentally unwell. Good for him for shutting it down - I think you should respect his wishes.

Whisky2014 · 22/06/2019 10:59

A conversation of two different views doesn't need to turn into an argument.
Maybe think over the conversation and at what point did he shut down. We're voices raised? Were names called? Etc

expatinspain · 22/06/2019 11:02

Has he always enjoyed sparring as much as you though? I know couples with differing political views who just don't really discuss it and respect the fact that they have different opinions. For other people, they enjoy a heated debate. Maybe find someone else to discuss this kind of thing with and leave it out of your relationship for the time being and have an honest chat with him about how he actually feels about those discussions.

Someone9 · 22/06/2019 11:11

If you're feeling low then arguing/debating can really bring you down, even if you previously enjoyed it. Perhaps he never enjoyed it but felt compelled to defend his beliefs and now he's just drained by it?

Or maybe he thinks your views are stupid (since you said he can't see things from others POV) and it gets pointless arguing with views you consider completely wrong so perhaps he can't be arsed? Some of my in laws are really opinionated on things like immigration/feminism and I completely shut down when they start as I think their views are fucking idiotic.

dodgeballchamp · 22/06/2019 11:21

Slightly tangential but if either of you think Mark field’s actions were in any way justified, you need to go and have a long hard look at your own outlook.

EmilyThornby · 22/06/2019 11:29

Maybe he doesn't like the arguments about politics as much as you think.

My partner tried to turn every single conversation into a debate until I told him that I was dreading coming home just to be dragged into umpteen debates and dialogues when all I wanted to to chill and potter about after work. Plus sometimes we actually agreed and yet he seemed to be forcing me to take an opposing view just so we could debate it!

Not for me and I told him that unless he packed it in and saved debates for things that were intrinsic to our relationship then he could pack his bags.

Life is much easier now!

Ohyesiam · 22/06/2019 11:33

Well I suppose that was a snapshot, and you’re talking I terms of that’s how it’s going to be from now on.
Support him with what he needs at the moment, and he made get be back on fighting form sooner?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2019 11:41

I'm sorry op, but your marriage sounds tiresome to the point of dysfunction. A major part of your relationship is arguing about politics, but you can't manage to have a conversation about issues that actually matter. I'm not surprised your husband is feeling low. Perhaps he just can't take it anymore.

NoBaggyPants · 22/06/2019 11:48

If he finds it impossible to see other people's point of view, I can't see that he'd enjoy your arguments at any time, let alone when he's unwell. Do you have anything in common that you can talk about instead? There must be some common ground?

PCohle · 22/06/2019 12:00

I'm not really sure what's particularly enjoyable about arguing with your spouse. He said he didn't know what you were trying to achieve by discussing it - what were you trying to achieve?

Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 12:04

You are upset that life has changed because he is ill.

But the final straw is that he wont argue with you about politics.

I am off work at the moment with depression and anxiety. If Dp was annoyed he could goad me into an argument, therefore making me feel shitter, I would tell him to fuck off.

MyOpinionIsValid · 22/06/2019 12:06

you sound like a bully - can t you go and take a pop at the idiots on the DM forums instead ?

ChipSandwich · 22/06/2019 12:06

I occasionally don't mind having a robust discussion with my husband or children about differing political views. However, if I'm worrying about something else, or there are numerous current stresses I'm facing, I haven't the headspace or the inclination to engage in the mental gymnastics required to pull my views together cogently.

I want a bit of peace when I need it. And I'm the one who decides when that is. Perhaps your husband's just not feeling up to it.
There has to be much more to a marriage than having a political sparring partner.

Dvg · 22/06/2019 12:09

why would you even start these conversations if you know they just become arguments.

AnnaMagnani · 22/06/2019 12:10

Do you ever get to talk to him or be listened to about anything?

I appreciate he is ASC and he is down at the moment, but it sounds like you have done a massive amount of adjusting - is this just you learning to shut up so he can never be challenged?

Because honestly that doesn't sound like much of a marriage.

Fatted · 22/06/2019 12:12

Your favourite part of your relationship is something that you know he finds difficult and doesn't enjoy?!

I think you are the one with the problem. Just leave the poor bugger alone!

Fairenuff · 22/06/2019 12:13

If you want a political discussion, both of you have to agree to it and if he wasn't feeling like it then you shouldn't have pushed it.

Is there no-one else you can talk to? Have you had enough of this relationship? What's really going on?

gamerwidow · 22/06/2019 12:19

If you’re feeling low it muddles your thinking and makes you question yourself and feel vulnerable. It’s not a time to be having heated debates.