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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To argue with DH about the news even though he is feeling a bit low?

51 replies

DesperatelySeekingSarah · 21/06/2019 21:55

DH have always had polar opposite political views and will often see an event completely differently. A major part of our relationship has been us arguing our corner in terms of how we see a situation and our underlying beliefs. We never argue about anything else though as DH cannot cope with conflict or confrontation. He closes down if we have a disagreement and refuses to talk about it ( for context, he has high functioning ASC and finds it almost impossible to see other people's POV)
Tonight, I started a conversation about the climate change skirmish where the man grabbed the woman and escorted her out the room. We had opposite view about it, as usual, but then DH shut the conversation down and refused to talk about it any further, as if it was a proper argument.
He said he didn't know what I was trying to achieve by discussing it and refused to talk to me. He has been a bit unwell recently in terms of mental health, but AIBU to feel a bit sad that a major part of our relationship seems to be too much for him to handle. I've made huge adjustments to our lives to accommodate him while he is feeling fragile and this just feels like another thing I'm having to change because his way of dealing with things is to bury his head in the sand and wait until it goes away.
He is a clever bloke and I like arguing with him about politics! Its part of what makes us who we are as a couple.... I'm just a bit sad now

OP posts:
AyBeeCee10 · 22/06/2019 12:23

Wow op you sound an utter bore. I can imagine your type. You want to relax and have a light mood, and then one know it all pipes up trying to bring up topics to show how clever they are. You really think politics are a major part of your relationship- utter bloody bore.

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2019 12:46

God, I’d be so bored if my dh did this! It has nothing to do with my life, why on earth would I want to argue about some irrelevant crap? Is now really the time to try to start an argument about something so irrelevant to your life?

MiraculousMarinette · 22/06/2019 12:57

Urgh my ex used to try to talk to me about politics. He's a passionate brexiteer, Daily Mail reader and a Trump supporter. I would begin to die of boredom 2 mins into conversation and dreaded them. I'd just sit and listen and not comment because it would be pointless. He would then accuse me of being dull and boring.

SummerInSun · 22/06/2019 13:23

I get it OP. When I met my husband he was very politically interested and aware. But in the last few years he has suffered from anxiety and hates watching or taking about the news as it heightens his anxiety (we will all be bankrupt after Brexit if Boris become PM and we hard Brexit, we will all be bankrupt if Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM, we will have WW3 because of Donald Trump, etc). I had to tell him several days after the fact that Theresa May had resigned so he wouldn't look like a fool at work for not knowing. I can't now even make an innocent remark about anything happening in the world. I find it hard to constantly self-censor even the most banal remarks and, as you say, I've lost a topic of conversation we used to really enjoy.

But at the end of the day, his mental health matters more than that, and rant about Trump to friends at work.

ChicCroissant · 22/06/2019 13:28

A major part of our relationship has been us arguing our corner in terms of how we see a situation and our underlying beliefs.

That's a really odd relationship dynamic IMO. I bet you've always liked arguing and he hasn't. You don't even describe it as a discussion, you use the word argue which means you are trying to steamroller him to match your point of view!

I appreciate that depression can feel very controlling to the person who doesn't suffer, because the person with it wants things a certain way. But arguing about politics does not come under that in any way, shape or form! Find someone else to argue with!

TalkinAboutManetManet · 22/06/2019 13:32

He’s sick.
You’re goading him.

Leave him alone.

Sn0tnose · 22/06/2019 13:32

He is a clever bloke and I like arguing with him about politics! Its part of what makes us who we are as a couple.... I'm just a bit sad now

He sounds like a clever bloke who does not enjoy arguing with you about politics and hates that it has become such a large part of your relationship that it has become part of what defines you as a couple. Leave the poor sod alone and go & join a debating society.

IsabellaLinton · 22/06/2019 13:32

Oh my god. You sound like my absolute worst nightmare. 😱

I can’t stand confrontation or arguments either. DH and I have differing political views too - so we don’t discuss them. You seem very combative - he doesn’t have to agree with you, he’s allowed his opinions.

DH shut the conversation down and refused to talk about it any further, as if it was a proper argument.

So would I! It is an argument, one he doesn’t want to have! Why force him to defend his corner? What do you gain from any of this conflict? You know he doesn’t like it - so stop it! You’re being a bully!

I’d be out of your house like a bat out of hell.

IsabellaLinton · 22/06/2019 13:38

He has been a bit unwell recently in terms of mental health, but AIBU to feel a bit sad that a major part of our relationship seems to be too much for him to handle.

So his mental heath is less important than your need to constantly argue and debate? And a major part of your relationship is arguing? You enjoy this?

I’d have mental health issues too, if I were him! You’re being cruel and selfish. Leave the poor bugger alone!

RosaWaiting · 22/06/2019 13:43

OMG this sounds horrendous

my late father was the same. I used to enjoy "talking" - and I do mean talking! - about politics in my 20s but I came to a point where I didn't want to and although he said he was fine with it, as soon as I walked through the door, he would try to have a political discussion.

You need to accept people change. Your DH no longer wants to have these discussions. That's that.

sonjadog · 22/06/2019 13:44

My partner and I like a political debate so I get the appeal of it, but it sounds a bit melodramatic to say it has gone from your relationship. He doesn’t feel like it at the moment because he is not well. He might very well want to start debating again when he feels better.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/06/2019 13:48

I love a good debate, probably why I am a lawyer, but DH doesn’t. It becomes too personal for him. It’s not an intellectual exercise for him but more about who he is and his values.

If someone is already struggling then an intellectual debate could well feel more like an attack or unwelcome additional pressure

RosaWaiting · 22/06/2019 13:49

also I wonder about the mental health thing

I have depression and anxiety and something that really helps is not being exposed to unnecessary noise and nuisance - for some people this will include avoiding the news.

his question about what you are trying to achieve in having a row is very valid. It's like kicking him when he is down.

Tallgreenbottle · 22/06/2019 13:50

Is it a major part of it for him too OP or has he just tolerated you being an argumentative pain in the backside for so long?

1forAll74 · 22/06/2019 13:51

You are being unreasonable,and will only make matters worse for your partner if you don't back off,or leave him alone with his own thoughts,and not yours all the time.

Fibbke · 22/06/2019 13:53

Join a debating club. Or rant on here. I'd find constant 'robust sparring' utterly wearing tbh.

Fibbke · 22/06/2019 13:55

Maybe the constant arguments have affected his mental health? How's your own mental health? Not being able to understand when people have had enough of arguing sounds a bit strange.

Tallgreenbottle · 22/06/2019 13:57

Do you ever stop to wonder @SummerInSun whether many people are thaat interested in your trump rants?

Some people here in the UK seem more obsessed with the tangerine toddler than people in the USA even are. It's almost embarrassing when you hear people here banging on about him. Akin to those really strange people here who blathered on about Obama as if they could vote for him themselves Confused

NCforthis2019 · 22/06/2019 13:57

You sound a bit like a bully - sorry. You like doing something that you know he doesn’t like? Even though you know he has a mental health problem and it affects him?

Fibbke · 22/06/2019 13:57

Ha ha tallgreen i couldn't agree more!

blackteasplease · 22/06/2019 14:02

Yabu

I agree with all pps. He doesn't have to have "debates" with you. He can relax if he chooses!

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 22/06/2019 14:02

Me and DH have different views on alot of things, the ones that affect our own lives we will argue about and could do until we are blue in the face.
Other things that have no impact on our lives we just don't speak about but if we do, we know our limits and won't allow it to brew into an argument. I don't see the point Confused

If political debates are that major to you then that's fine but surely your DH has demonstrated on enough occasions that they just aren't as important to him. Let it be.
YABU.

SummerInSun · 22/06/2019 14:19

I'm minded to agree, but that's how we make conversation in our (small, geeky, and politically aware office).

Mammajay · 22/06/2019 15:36

I came down to breakfast and my husband started talking about the mp and the climate protester . I said I don't have to have an opinion about everything. I can argue my case but it seems as though every thing is now up for public debate e.g. should Corben wear a tie, should Jo brand make a joke. MN often makes this worst imo?.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2019 15:55

Sorry OP but you sound exhausting. I'd be bored witless having to 'defend my corner' to you all the time.

Your insistence on arguing even though your husband is feeling low makes me think that you're quite abusive and domineering. If a man posted that he was insistent on doing this, he'd be handed his arse, absolutely he would.

Not everything is up for debate and you need to respect your husband's wish not to participate in a pointless volley if he doesn't want to engage.