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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to be policed by male cyclists: q for other female riders

74 replies

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:13

Hi bike ladies of MN, I'm an experienced and v careful rider who makes few signalling mistakes, but today I made an error. I was on a two-lane bikes only separated path, and cut across the other lane of the bike path to stop and get off my bike. I looked behind me and thought there was nobody coming either way, and failed to signal right. Turns out there was another bike coming up behind really fast, and he had to swerve briefly to get out of the way. (no cars involved, this was all in the separated bike lane). I was mortified, apologised twice to the other rider, vigorously, and he said equally vigorously and with good humour that it was OK, we made eye contact and smiled and it was an appropriate exchange after my error, which I very much acknowledged and have learned from.

Seconds later, another dude comes by, middle aged and in full mamil getup, and gave me what felt like a scolding, saying 'you don't know how close that was!' I said as he passed, 'I know! I feel really bad!' but I wanted to add: stop telling off female cyclists!' but it was too late. AIBU to think that he shouldn't have told me off? I was there riding in a very un-mamil way, in a long skirt, pointy pumps and (unusally for me) no hemet with long hair. There's always plausible denial for microaggressions (it's not because you were a woman! It's because you made a mistake! etc) but am I right in feeling that this is part of a pattern where young female cyclists get told how to be riders by older men? In any case, I'll never bl&&dy not signal again. Thanks for reading my rant.

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 21/06/2019 15:16

Sorry, but it sounds like it was nothing to do with you being a female, it wasn't a telling off, it was a comment.

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 21/06/2019 15:17

How on earth do you ride a bike in a long skirt and pointy pumps? Sounds very unsafe to me.

AguerosAngel · 21/06/2019 15:20

YABU for not wearing a helmet!

Sparklingbrook · 21/06/2019 15:20

Sounds like he just made an observation, same as he might if you were a man making the error.

I think the right gear for the activity is to be recommended also.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2019 15:22

How on earth do you ride a bike in a long skirt and pointy pumps? Sounds very unsafe to me.

The entirety of France does this every day with no issues.

Thing is it could have been sexism, it could have been concern. It's the frequency of men telling women that informs us. I don't ride but I get this with driving. Don't fucking direct me, I parallel park like a pro. I had one bloke who was directing me into a space in my way. He's lucky he still owns legs.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:24

@Sparklingbrook

Sounds like he just made an observation, same as he might if you were a man making the error
Yeah because men comment on other men's errors sooooo regularly Hmm

I'm a regular cyclist and, yes, things like this happen a lot. Also, men overtaking me very very closely. I say rude things to them now. The other week a man stopped and asked aggressively what I'd said to him. I told him that if he wasn't so fucking close to me when he overtook he wouldn't have heard.

Cunts

cocomelon23 · 21/06/2019 15:24

How does this have anything to do with you being female?

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:26

"Thing is it could have been sexism, it could have been concern." Exactly! Like it probably was concern, but there's so much policing of women on roads that a normal comment can feel like a sexist one. I guess I'll never know and should stop stewing.

OP posts:
DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:26

I mean he wouldn't have known I said anything.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/06/2019 15:26

It's a bit worrying that you looked behind you but didn't see a cyclist who was presumably very close!

Sparklingbrook · 21/06/2019 15:28

Yeah because men comment on other men's errors sooooo regularly

Of course they do Hmm

AnthonyCrowley · 21/06/2019 15:28

Hmmm, he doesn't sound to me like he was telling you off. He maybe had a heart stopping moment witnessing what he thought was going to be a bad crash.

As a female cyclist (daily cycling) I've only ever been "told off" once by a male cyclist. It was quite recently......I ride a recumbent bike and some muppet bloke felt he needed to shriek at me from the other side of the road that I need to be careful that my hair doesn't get caught in my back wheel! My hair only just touches my shoulders when down and was in a high ponytail....nowhere near my wheel. He sounded deadly serious, don't think he was joking.

Mostly blokes just want to tell me how cool my bike is. Grin

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:28

@dirtydennis
Yep, exactly, it's the volume. It's not necessarily a sexist comment but it happens to be a woman on the receiving end.

OTOH my poor DP who's a very unsexist and unaggressive dude cyclist had an actual egg chucked at him so maybe nobody can win...

OP posts:
DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:28

"Thing is it could have been sexism, it could have been concern." Exactly! Like it probably was concern, but there's so much policing of women on roads that a normal comment can feel like a sexist one. I guess I'll never know and should stop stewing.

Sorry, OP, but this man absolutely wouldn't have said anything to you if you'd have been a man. Whether it was genuine concern or policing is irrelevant, he still wouldn't have said anything if you'd been a bloke. That, for me, is the crux of it. That men feel entitled to women's time and attention the way they don't to men's.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:30

@SparklingBrook

Okay, if you say so.

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 21/06/2019 15:31

I was walking a country lane with my dog a few weeks ago. a double track lane so plenty of space. I heard someone shout something - I couldn't make it out but assumed someone was calling their dog (there are fields to either side of the lane that I don't walk as they contain livestock but other people do). I heard it again and it sounded like "Mike" which I thought was an odd name for a dog. Then a MAMIL came past me from behind on his bike, his face screwed up in anger and yelled "Just ignore me then!" as he went past. I shouted "fuck off" after him, which is unlike me but I was just so annoyed. The lane was plenty wide enough, I wasn't even on his side of the lane and my dog was on a lead. If he had rung a bell (like every other cyclist I encounter) I would have known a bike was coming and probably acknowledged it. I doubt very much he would have yelled at a man like he yelled at me. Many men do enjoy telling off women, just write it off as a prat encounter.

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:32

@Chamomileteaplease
Yep I fully acknowledge that it was a total moment of bike fail on my part!

OP posts:
Lemonsqueasy · 21/06/2019 15:34

Fucks saake i can't believe all the lecturey comments this has got! It was nothing to do with the second bloke and it's obv difficult to say whether it was sexist. If you were in lycra it might have been different, but then idk if he would have said anything to a bloke in civilian clothing. I share your frustration.

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:35

@DirtyDennis
Yeah this is my original sense -- good to know that other ppl think this too.

OP posts:
DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:35

@TurnAroundWhenPossible Well done shouting back at him. When I was younger I used to be very polite to men. Now, not so much.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/06/2019 15:35

Scary though! I suppose you will look for longer next time Smile.

I use a bell when I pass other cyclists or pedestrians - I hate it when (usually) men ride up fast and overtake me and frighten the life out of me.

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:38

@TurnAroundWhenPossible

Sorry to hear this happened on the walk. That is indeed sucky behaviour by the rider. You were doing nothing wrong and I think whether on the bike one does the bell or calls bike (which in the absence of a bell I do think is a good thing to do rather than not warn walkers), there is no obligation by walkers to let bikes know you have acknowledged their warning (it's always nicely extra-clear for all if they wave to show but it's not rude if they dont.) He should have sucked it up and slowed down and certainly not blamed you!! FFS.

OP posts:
Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:39

@Lemonsqueasy

Right!? It's the ambiguity that gets you. Thanks.

OP posts:
Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:39

Right better do other things, thanks for the input everyone!

OP posts:
LastChanceFinalOffer · 21/06/2019 15:42

TBH you are over thinking it and being defensive. YABU It really had nothing to do with how old you are or that you are female. It was his observation as a witness of what happened and he offered some constructive criticism in the hopes of you learning from your error. You have so no harm done. 🤷‍♀️

YAB extremely U not to wear a helmet. 🚵‍♀️

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