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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to be policed by male cyclists: q for other female riders

74 replies

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:13

Hi bike ladies of MN, I'm an experienced and v careful rider who makes few signalling mistakes, but today I made an error. I was on a two-lane bikes only separated path, and cut across the other lane of the bike path to stop and get off my bike. I looked behind me and thought there was nobody coming either way, and failed to signal right. Turns out there was another bike coming up behind really fast, and he had to swerve briefly to get out of the way. (no cars involved, this was all in the separated bike lane). I was mortified, apologised twice to the other rider, vigorously, and he said equally vigorously and with good humour that it was OK, we made eye contact and smiled and it was an appropriate exchange after my error, which I very much acknowledged and have learned from.

Seconds later, another dude comes by, middle aged and in full mamil getup, and gave me what felt like a scolding, saying 'you don't know how close that was!' I said as he passed, 'I know! I feel really bad!' but I wanted to add: stop telling off female cyclists!' but it was too late. AIBU to think that he shouldn't have told me off? I was there riding in a very un-mamil way, in a long skirt, pointy pumps and (unusally for me) no hemet with long hair. There's always plausible denial for microaggressions (it's not because you were a woman! It's because you made a mistake! etc) but am I right in feeling that this is part of a pattern where young female cyclists get told how to be riders by older men? In any case, I'll never bl&&dy not signal again. Thanks for reading my rant.

OP posts:
Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:42

@AguerosAngel
You are right! It's about the fifth time i've done it in thirty years though ;)

OP posts:
Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:44

@AnthonyCrowley
Thanks for the input: how ace that you have a recumbant also.

OP posts:
Snog · 21/06/2019 15:45

I think cycling fast can be quite dangerous so the man contributed to this situation by going so fast imo.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 15:48

@LastChanceFinalOffer The point is though that this man wouldn't have offered "constructive criticism in the hopes of you learning from your error" if the OP had been a man. That's sexist.

FML

blackteasplease · 21/06/2019 15:49

I fucking hate men who tell women off. I first noticed it when I had kids and wad taking dd out in the buggy. They all seemed to home in as though it was some.sort of bat signal and tell me how I should do things. I know how to manoeuvre this buggy, or at least better than you do! I always said to them " go away and think about whether you'd say that to a dad "

Currently I often take a trolley suitcase with me for work. I've been using this for years and know exactly how to manoeuvre it so as not to inconvenience other. I know how to go through train ticket gates so as not to cause a delay - the trolley which fits through fine has to go first. Men always want to tell me what to do about the gates and try to send me to the massive luggage and small children gate. I don't need this!

Whereas other males are constantly getting stuck on the gates as they don't know how to use them - and no one ever bosses them about!

IncandescentShadow · 21/06/2019 15:51

I think you're over-thinking this, but as a female cyclist who wears lycra and does races, I might well have asked you not to wobble into my path as well. And I also admit to finding slow-moving people who get in the way, not necessarily on a bike, frustrating as well -particularly when you get stuck behind them at the entrance to a supermarket or on a pavement-. Those who make a virtue out of slowness and try to say there is something wrong with moving at speed - hmmn, no, not everyone wants to move at a snail's pace.

But nice to see you out enjoying your cycling! I grew up in The Netherlands, where to do what you did means almost certainly being mown down by another cyclist! Loads of people cycle there and you very quickly get used to checking all ways before making a lane changing manoeuvre! Its just something you get used to.

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:52

@blackteaplease

Yep in all spheres of life it's definitely a thing and I hate it too! I like your buggy response.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 21/06/2019 15:53

In my car, I knocked some guy's wing mirror, he was parked I was in slow moving traffic - luckily no damage just a very loud knock, I stopped immediately leaned out of his window and said its really ok don't worry which was nice of him. Next thing a man on the pavement who has been passing comes up to my window and shouts YOU HIT HIS MIRROR. Um, yes? And?

Can you imagine any man going up to another man's car and shouting criticism into his passenger window? Of course not. They do it because they have a penis and it demands they shout at women Hmm

DishingOutDone · 21/06/2019 15:54

he leaned out of his own window! Oh dear too much leaning!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 21/06/2019 15:57

I am more sympathetic to the OP as i was once followed into a car park and told off (for something that wasn’t my fault)

Damn right he wouldn’t have done that if I’d been male

Randomneim · 21/06/2019 15:58

@IncandescentShadow

Thanks for the Dutch perspective! I was just there and so impressed by the way it all works. You're right also about prejudice against fast people: I've got nothing against fast riders myself.

OP posts:
MadamMedusasPawnshop · 21/06/2019 16:01

This isn’t sexism. It has nothing to do with you being female and everything to do with making a dangerous mistake.

MenuPlant · 21/06/2019 16:02

I have had men telling me how to do obvious things since always.

It's very tiresome.

It's part and parcel of women and girls being public property.

AguerosAngel · 21/06/2019 16:04

@Randomneim That doesn’t make it ok! Hmm

Woody68 · 21/06/2019 16:06

Don't know why ppl think men don't brawl with each other.
My experience is that being female you get away with a lot more.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 16:08

@MadamMedusasPawnshop This is sexism because the man absolutely wouldn't have commented on the dangerous mistake if the OP was a man who'd made the mistake.

jimmyhill · 21/06/2019 16:08

If you are British then you know perfectly well that we apologise for near accidents even when the other party is in the wrong.

Think how often you have bumped into someone in a shop and THEY have apologised to you.

That's what the cyclist you nearly crashed into was doing: being polite and forgiving.

The second cyclist, not being a party to the near-collision, was able to give an honest third party view: that your carelessness very nearly caused an accident. And he said so.

Ronnie27 · 21/06/2019 16:09

I’ll get a kicking for this but if I’m not in club kit I always tend to wear something pink or purple when out on the roads as ime I get less aggro being an obviously female cyclist than the men come in for wrt aggressive driving and language etc. Drivers tend to take more care when they can see you are a woman which is possibly sexist in itself.

LastChanceFinalOffer · 21/06/2019 16:10

@DirtyDennis My DH is part of a cycling club with both male and female members. Gender doesn't matter, the members will say something if other members are not using safe practices or putting themselves or others at risk. I have heard DH say so after a cycle (they had a 'hothead' male member who was the subject of a few rollickings due to being abusive to passing motorists). The club expect all members to behave responsibly as they wear a club kit and don't want members damaging the club's reputation. There are rules and etiquette and everyone involved is expected to follow them.

In every day living there are always going to be some sexist cyclists but it's just being anti male to say that every single time a male makes a comment to a female, it can't have been because of anything else other than intending to be sexist.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 16:10

@Woody68

No-one has said men don't brawl with each other. That's not what's being discussed here. I do agree that women can get away with a lot by virtue of being women but that itself is based on sexist assumptions that we're weaker, that we can't do particular things, that we can't help some of our mistakes.

By contrast, while we can get away with a lot more in some situations just by virtue of being women we also have to put up with fuck tonne more just by virtue of being women.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 16:15

@LastChanceFinalOffer We're not talking about a cycling club though with rules and whatnot. We're talking about everyday life.

I'm not necessarily saying that every time a man makes a comment to a woman it's sexist. However, I suspect in the majority of cases the same man wouldn't make the same comment if the other person was also a man rather than a woman.

I'm not anti-male, I'm anti-patriarchy, I'm anti-misogyny, anti-sexism.

DirtyDennis · 21/06/2019 16:16

Hiding this thread now.

JamOnTheCarpet · 21/06/2019 16:18

As an alternative point of view ... The cyclist coming up behind to overtake should have seen the OP check over her shoulder and been anticipating that she might move over and so been a bit more cautiously overtaking.
A call of 'hello, passing on your right' as he approached wouldn't have been a bad idea.

2nd guy had no business getting involved.

Usernumbers1234 · 21/06/2019 16:19

@DirtyDennis

Of course they bloody do, most incidences of road arguments whether bike or car are Male on Male

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2019 16:20

I'm not anti-male, I'm anti-patriarchy, I'm anti-misogyny, anti-sexism.

Please have some t-shirts printed with this on them. I'd buy one.