To not want to pay MIL for baby sitting...

[Bibijayne]

Sorry - I know the title is a bit goady, but I couldn't think of a way to phrase the issue succinctly. This is a bit AIBU and a bit WWYD.

My DH and I have a lovely 10 month old DC. I am back at work and DH is on SPL. I had a good chunk of leave which I am using to work part-time of full-time pay until I drop to 3.5 days in September.

DH has flexitime and WFH every Tuesday (he can start at 7am and be wrapped up by 1pm due to Flexi).

We have enrolled our DC 2.5 days in nursery.

My parents (retired) live 10 minutes away. My sister (also flexitime) and her DH are also 10 minutes away. We have lots of friends. Including many within walking distance. A good friend has recently qualified as a registered childminder. All of whom are happy to help on an as hoc basis of needed.

We are covered for childcare (regular and emergency).

MIL lives 1.5 hours away.

But MIL keeps trying to push us to let her babysit and have DC for an overnight. Which we don't really need at the moment/ not ready for. We have thanked her for the offer, but been fairly neutral.

We've said she's welcome to come up and see DC. Especially as her own DC (my DH) is off until the end of July.

She's not really bothered. Has come up only a couple of times. No worries. She's welcome, but if she's busy that's okay.

Then yesterday she came up. But to see my parents (ostensibly about something else, but really about the following). She did not bother to see DH or our DC.

She was telling my parents that she should babysit, especially on weekends as we MUST go away without our DC. And she wanted to know what my parents thought she should charge us for this. Her reasoning was that a friend of hers is regular childcare for her DGC and gets paid for it.

I'm just baffled.

She wants to charge us for a service we have not asked for and do not need. That she is trying to insist we must do. She's not hard up. So this isn't a money issue. My DH and his siblings have given and loaned her money in the last when it has been needed.

She's not brought this to DH and I... Yet. Not sure how on earth to tackle this without causing her to throw a strop.

WWYD MNers?

I'd totally ignore it until she brings it up with your or DH, and then I'd let your DH handle it.

Let her strop.

Refuse her “kind” offer and be clear if you ever take her up on it if she requires payment or not.

It’s a bit of a shame she’s already trying to charge to spend time with her DGC when it’s not even an ongoing childcare arrangement (or asked for). And your DH should broach this with her rather than you.

"We don't want to go away and if we do baby will be staying at someone else's for free. We don't need paid childcare".

I'm pretty keen on being clear.

You say it's not a money issue and she's not hard up - but your DH and family have loaned/given her money.. maybe she does feel she needs the money?

If not, then very strange! Take no notice until she comes to you with it.

Well that's just a whole 'nother level of batshit crazy, isn't it?

I'd be furious that she only wants to spend time with her grandchild if she's paid.

Don't say anything until she actually raises it with you and DH. Then tell her you don't require paid childcare from her.

I agree, ignore until she asks you directly st which point say something to the effect of
“What a kind offer, right now we aren’t looking to have weekend time away from DC but we really appreciate knowing that you’d be willing to help us out and obviously come and visit whenever suits you....are you struggling financially MIL?”

How very weird. What did your DP say to her?

Oh, and I'd just be saying, 'nope, sorry, that's not gonna happen', and leave her to enjoy her strop. Alone. Without an audience.

I'd wait until she brings it up with one of you, and then thank her for the offer and then make it clear you've got a network of people who you share favours with as necessary so you don't need to pay for babysitting, especially as you don't want to leave baby yet, and anyway you prefer not to make 'business' arrangements with family as it blurs lines.

I'd just be non committal as you've already been. But point out to her that if you do get to a point when you'd like to go away for a weekend without DC that you will be asking someone who knows them well and they'd be most comfortable with to babysit.

Because she's batshit to think that that would be her, when she's only seen them a handful of times and there are other family members who they'd clearly be more comfortable with.

Never mind the complete bollocks about being paid

Let her strop, yes.

Totally ignore.

Then with bafflement, what you say above - 'Have I got this right MIL? You want us to pay you for a service we havne't asked for and don't need, which includes DC having to travel 1.5 hours each way into the bargain?'

In the meantime, the only thing I'd be firm on is overnights, nip that now, you might as well. 'MIL to be clear, there is no way we would even consider overnight stays for several years yet! Not fair on DC or on you.' Nice and generalised but leaves no room for wriggling. End of conversation.

If my MIL wanted paid to watch my kids she would simply never be watching them.

MN makes me realise how nice my in laws are.

Let her strop then. She’s being ridiculous.

Wait until she brings it up, then just say: “No, you’re all right thanks MIL.”

That was easy. Next.

They were non committal. My mum told her they only do as hoc stuff and don't expect to pay for it, because it's rare and they like spending the odd hour playing with their DGC. My DP thought the whole thing a little odd. They also said they thought we were sorted and I'm going part-time. Though MIL knows this.

In terms of money. She sold the old family home.
and has invested money in rental properties etc. She has no cash/ cashflow issues at the moment.

The old family home was a bit too pricey to run for just one person (huuuge old house in a country village).

What bingo said. She'd never look after my child because I know she would then expect payment. Let her strop. Tough shit. She sounds spoilt and a spendthrift, I'd not loan or give her money either.

I would be clear about it too ‘we’re not ready to leave dc for an overnight stay yet, besides it’d make a budget for going out/away unjustifiable for us when we have so and so who’d do it for a favour in return. Why don’t you see if anyone local to you wants a babysitter?’.

She’s clearly got the idea in her head now, hints won’t do anything.

Thanks @bingoitsadingo - that sounds perfect.

It sounds like she kind of wants to compete with her friend over the DGC so maybe reframe it so she comes out looking good e.g. she doesn't need to be paid to look after DGC because you are both so clever to have sorted everything put.

I’d respond by saying “thank you, but if and when we do choose to leave DC we’ll be leaving them with someone who is looking after them because they want to spend time with DC, not with someone who is only in it for the money”.

Bingo has it , just thank them when they offer, but reassure them there is no need with your network in place.

You are massively overthinking this. Do you have a problem saying no? Bit of a people-pleaser? You mention her having a strop as if that's some kind of top trump that means you must obey, rather than a bizarre comedy gold moment that you, DH and your mates will roar with laughter over.

Wait until she brings it up, then just say: “No, you’re all right thanks MIL.”

I would stop referring to her as my dc's dgm tbh!
Send her links to child care jobs!