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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay MIL for baby sitting...

64 replies

Bibijayne · 21/06/2019 12:50

Sorry - I know the title is a bit goady, but I couldn't think of a way to phrase the issue succinctly. This is a bit AIBU and a bit WWYD.

My DH and I have a lovely 10 month old DC. I am back at work and DH is on SPL. I had a good chunk of leave which I am using to work part-time of full-time pay until I drop to 3.5 days in September.

DH has flexitime and WFH every Tuesday (he can start at 7am and be wrapped up by 1pm due to Flexi).

We have enrolled our DC 2.5 days in nursery.

My parents (retired) live 10 minutes away. My sister (also flexitime) and her DH are also 10 minutes away. We have lots of friends. Including many within walking distance. A good friend has recently qualified as a registered childminder. All of whom are happy to help on an as hoc basis of needed.

We are covered for childcare (regular and emergency).

MIL lives 1.5 hours away.

But MIL keeps trying to push us to let her babysit and have DC for an overnight. Which we don't really need at the moment/ not ready for. We have thanked her for the offer, but been fairly neutral.

We've said she's welcome to come up and see DC. Especially as her own DC (my DH) is off until the end of July.

She's not really bothered. Has come up only a couple of times. No worries. She's welcome, but if she's busy that's okay.

Then yesterday she came up. But to see my parents (ostensibly about something else, but really about the following). She did not bother to see DH or our DC.

She was telling my parents that she should babysit, especially on weekends as we MUST go away without our DC. And she wanted to know what my parents thought she should charge us for this. Her reasoning was that a friend of hers is regular childcare for her DGC and gets paid for it.

I'm just baffled.

She wants to charge us for a service we have not asked for and do not need. That she is trying to insist we must do. She's not hard up. So this isn't a money issue. My DH and his siblings have given and loaned her money in the last when it has been needed.

She's not brought this to DH and I... Yet. Not sure how on earth to tackle this without causing her to throw a strop.

WWYD MNers?

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 21/06/2019 13:27

I understand grandparents who provide childcare whilst the parent works on a day to day basis getting paid as bills don’t pay themselves.

However I am baffled by your MILs attitude as surely she should want to spend some time with her grandchild without needing paid for it?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/06/2019 13:28

A simple ‘no thanks, we don’t want a weekend away without dc’ if she pushes it, saying you ‘have to’ I’d respond with, we don’t want to do anything thanks

noonarna · 21/06/2019 13:28

To be honest I do put money in my MIL's account because she spends so much of her free time looking after our kids, and of course spends her own money in this time. I believe it's the right thing to do. I would be put out if she had asked for this or assumed I would do this!

Wait for her to bring it up.

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2019 13:34

It’s a shame your mum didn’t include a pointed ‘& of course we’re happy to help, it’s tough with young children’
Maybe she hated having young children and would have committed crimes to get a weekend away but can’t being herself to look after a child without compensation? Clutching at straws

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/06/2019 13:34

Blimey.
That's really peculiar - and to go to your parents to ask them what they think of her plan - VERY odd!

I agree, don't bring it up until she does and when she does, just say "no thanks, we don't need that, and if we did, we have plenty of people who would be happy to do it for free"

Such an odd thing to try and push for!!

yesteaandawineplease · 21/06/2019 13:37

your mil is obviously bonkers OP. so much so I laughed, in a sort of I can't believe people are this way, when I read your post.

even if you did go away for a weekend why would you let her watch your baby over someone your baby knows and sees regularly?

from what you've said about her (talking about her friend who babysits for their dgc and speaking to your parents) she obviously holds a lot of stock in what her peers think/say/do. (most people grow out of this after their teens or early 20s) therefore she is trying to insert herself into the situation so she can talk about looking after her dgc... even though it's not at all practical.

SavingSpaces2019 · 21/06/2019 13:41

She wants to charge us for a service we have not asked for and do not need
I don't think she was genuine about doing the babysitting.
I think she was trying to shit stir because you won't let her have your dc alone/overnight.
She knows you have help with childcare from your family/friends.
I think she was trying to plant ideas in their head that you're taking the piss out of them by using them for 'free' childcare, and that the 'normal/right' thing to do is to be paid for it.
She deliberately made it sound like she assumed they were getting paid for doing childcare hence why she 'asked' them what they thought was a 'reasonable' amount to charge.

She's a sly motherfucker and shit stirrer.

Mix56 · 21/06/2019 13:55

You would not dream of leaving your DC with a complete stranger for the w/e

NoSquirrels · 21/06/2019 14:00

How bizarre on all counts. Does she regularly just pop in on your parents in the first place?

Just don't give it any oxygen. She's no doubt waiting for you or your DH to bring it up with her, so just... don't. And if she does float the idea, just say no thanks.

cabingirl · 21/06/2019 14:01

I think it's telling that she went to your parents to talk about it - I think it was a subtle way of trying to find out if you are already paying THEM to babysit.

Her friend might have convinced her that all grandparents get paid to babysit and she knows that your parents help out and wanted to find out if they were being paid and how much.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 21/06/2019 14:03

@NoSquirrels

No. It's just totally odd. But then she's been super off since our DC was born.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/06/2019 14:07

Is she quite likely to have a strop? Is she otherwise difficult?

separatebeds · 21/06/2019 14:09

I wonder if she was just trying to find out if you paid your parents to look after your child.

Coyoacan · 21/06/2019 14:11

I think SavingSpaces2019 has nailed it.

But quite apart from the money idea, this: even if you did go away for a weekend why would you let her watch your baby over someone your baby knows and sees regularly?

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 14:11

Why did your parents tell you?

I wouldn’t do anything until she mentions it to you- for all you know she was just sounding out whether what her friend was doing was normal or wierd. Never act an anything like this you,ve heard second hand.

Holibobz · 21/06/2019 14:14

Do you think she’s a bit lonely? We have a similar situation, but it’s my dm who is on her own (divorce) and comes up with bonkers ideas. She doesn’t have anyone to talk to in depth or bounce ideas off before making plans, it drives us mad sometimes. We do a lot of non committal ‘maybes’. Completely normal not to want her involvement on the terms she has decided upon based on her friends experiences.

Thehop · 21/06/2019 14:15

She’s more batshit than Dracula’s garden.

Treat it as a huge joke and laugh, “haha! Could you imagine? Paying a grandma to babysit when we don’t want or need her to?! Hahaha!”

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2019 14:17

How odd, I wouldn't bring it up ever and if she did let your DH deal with her, it's his mother after all

ifonly4 · 21/06/2019 14:22

Well her option isn't going to happen! If you were asking her to have DC, then perhaps offering some money.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2019 14:24

Why did your parents tell you?

Why wouldn't they tell her?

Drum2018 · 21/06/2019 14:28

Tell her you have absolutley no intention of sending your child for an overnight stay when there is no need whatsoever and that if you choose to have a night away you have enough local support to help out. She's nuts.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/06/2019 14:38

But then she's been super off since our DC was born.

Pull back a bit. Sounds like there are a few issues there around the becoming a grandma/life moving on/son properly has own family thing? If so, it will settle, and you don't have to do anything but maintain distance and (generally) silence.

These are her issues to work through.

blackcat86 · 21/06/2019 14:39

I would be utterly furious with her and I would give two shits if she had a strop. I would be furious at her presumptivness that she gets to decide when baby is ready for overnights, that she should get paid for seeing her DGD, that she can order you away and that she has the sheer fucking audacity to involve your parents. I would be consider nc if it were me. How dare she. I feel sorry for your parents. That must have been so awkward. I hope that they showed her the door.

Original poster
Bibijayne · 21/06/2019 14:51

But of an update. Seems @SavingSpaces2019 is absolutely spot on!

Just popped round to my parents and my DM had a bit of a quiet word. DM said they were just very polite and praised our parenting but there was a lot of sly digs and attempts at shit stirring.

Some classics that my mum mentioned were her sweetly asking if he was sitting yet, despite the fact she knows he is crawling and recently started walking. Bemoaning the fact he's still breastfed and claiming he's far too skinny (he's above the 25th percentile for both height and weight - not age adjusted, which for a premmie is very good. I'm also pretty petite (2nd percentile my entire childhood). Also complaining that DILs 'change men' and that my DH is too hands on. :/

We're not going to say anything. Because she clearly wants us to.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 21/06/2019 14:51

Agree with towelno42 dont say anything about it unless she brings it up.If she does ,then change the subject quickly!.Many older people seem to think they are hard up (usually the opposite is true )!,and she might feel a little babysitting would give her a few quid!.Bizarre I think!