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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Designer clothes at Grannie’s house

65 replies

IDontDrinkTea · 21/06/2019 07:32

So I appreciate this is a true first world problem and I have no right to be irritated by it. Please feel free to give me a virtual slap and tell me to stop being ungrateful.

My PIL live abroad and don’t speak any English and I don’t speak their language either. So our relationship is somewhat limited, we don’t see them often and I can’t talk to them when we do see them.

I have a young DD and my DH and I are taking her abroad for a visit next month. For our stay, they have purchased a full wardrobe of designer clothes for her, they’ve redecorated a room into a state of the art nursery, they’ve bought baby baths, bouncers, a cot, etc. However all of these things are to remain there after we visit, and we can’t bring any home with us, which seems totally pointless as we aren’t planning another visit til next year when she’d have grown out of them. These are all outfits that cost over £50 per outfit. Considering I can only afford to put her in second hand stuff, this really irritates me as it seems silly that she’s got a ridiculously over the top wardrobe at Grannie’s house yet at home wears boot sale bargains.

My in laws have been to visit us once since she was born. They came for a weekend, didn’t pick her up at all other than for a quick photo opportunity, they moaned about the fact I wanted to breastfeed her (discreetly) during lunch in a pub, and requested that I didn’t bring the sling that I use to visit them - they referred to it in quite derogatory terms. They want to buy her a big fancy pram for the trip however we have a pram here and she basically cries as soon as you put her in it, you just end up pushing a pram and carrying a baby, so I tend to use the sling instead.

My DH thinks I’m being ungrateful and says if that’s how they want to spend their money then that’s up to them. However I find it irritating that they treat my DD like a doll for dressing up, and that we can’t get value for money by actually using any of this stuff more than once.

OP posts:
Purpleseastars · 21/06/2019 07:36

Is you really DD their only DGC? Maybe they've purchased it all for any future DGC to use.

I really think yabu and the clothes and nursery items. Take your sling and carry your baby how you like. Just ignore any comments.

PurpleWithRed · 21/06/2019 07:36

Exasperating and ridiculous but it's their money and they can do what they want with it. Thank goodness they are in a different country and can limit this nonsense to an annual visit.

Regarding the clothes, I would imagine reality will set in and some of those might end up coming home with you. Is DD old enough to spill spaghetti Bol down the front of any of them?

Birdie6 · 21/06/2019 07:37

I'm with your DH on this one. It's their money ( apparently they have plenty) and they can spend it as they like. If the stuff only gets used once while you're visiting , it's no loss to you. The idea that "you can't get any value for money" isn't all that relevant since you're not paying for the stuff.

Let them enjoy the visit in their own way - it'll be over soon and life will return to normal.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 21/06/2019 07:38

They are being ridiculous wasting money on stuff that will barely get used, I agree. But your husband is right, if that’s how they want to spend their money then you can’t stop them, especially in their own home!

Having said that, when it comes to using the sling ignore them. If DD dislikes the pram but the sling settles her then that’s your choice as parent and they don’t get a say on that.

EdtheBear · 21/06/2019 07:39

I think I'd be half tempted to put the clothes in the case when you are leaving and assume they are a gift!

I don't see the point in treating the child like a doll. Are you making an attempt to learn their language?

Ounce · 21/06/2019 07:40

Could you learn to speak a little of their language, perhaps? Build some bridges?

SolitudeAtAltitude · 21/06/2019 07:41

Learn the language

Learn the culture

Be nice about it

Take a suitcase (to take some of the gifts home)

CherryPavlova · 21/06/2019 07:44

Their money and it’s rather sweet they want to be indulgent grandparents. I think you should learn a few words of the language, stop fretting about short lived non issues and get on with enjoying the holiday.
They might well change their mind about you bringing clothes back anyway. More likely to happen if you’re not critical and mealy mouthed though..

gerispringer · 21/06/2019 07:45

They are part of your DDs culture so it might be a nice gesture for you and your DD as she grows up to learn some of the language. Clothes Issue is irritating, but not your loss. The sling- of course you should use it if that’s what your DD is used to.

user1493413286 · 21/06/2019 07:45

It is their money but I’d be sad that they don’t want your DD to get to wear the clothes all the time. It sounds like they just want to show her off in them rather than buying them as a nice thing for her. I wonder how that’ll work when she’s older; how do you explain to a 5 year old who loves a dress or a top that no she can’t take it home and won’t ever be able to wear it again. It sounds like it’s all about appearances.
Also take the sling; it’s bugger all to do with them and will be very helpful when travelling.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 21/06/2019 07:49

I think you are being ungrateful, sorry. It's their money and it's up to them how they spend it. I agree it's a bit odd not to send the outfits home with you so they'll get used, but it's their money, their choice.

As a PP has said, they may be hoping to use the pram, bath and bouncer, and perhaps the clothes too, with future grandchildren.

Try to learn their language and make an effort to get on with them. I can't imagine marrying a man whose parents speak another language and not bothering to learn a few words in that language.

fecketyfeck21 · 21/06/2019 07:54

their money, their choice, but it does sound like gp want to show off dd and push the pram so to speak.
learning some lingo will earn brownie points, so who knows what will happen by the end of your visit.

Original poster
IDontDrinkTea · 21/06/2019 07:56

DH is an only child. There really is unlikely to be any future GC any time soon.

She’s EBF so still too young for covering them in spaghetti Grin

I am attempting to learn, but I’m not a natural with languages so progress is slow. I can manage at about a tourist level (I can buy things in shops for example) but that’s very different to having full blown conversations about whatever takes their fancy

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 21/06/2019 07:58

Maybe they have friends they wish to portray dgps awards to by being flash?
Take the sling. Maybe a Teddy and mil can push it in the pram?

User2638394 · 21/06/2019 08:00

Bloody ridiculous and I see why you’re annoyed! I don’t think there is much you can do about it but I see why you are annoyed.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/06/2019 08:09

Are you sure DH got it right?
I can understand furniture but the clothes?
They are very odd and wasteful even if they can afford it. Yanbu.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 21/06/2019 08:12

Learn their language, at least some. Assuming your husband is from that country, it is half your daughter's culture too.

Some cultures show love by buying stuff. Not my style but that's life. People are different.

rideawhiteswan · 21/06/2019 08:21

It does seem daft but just let them get on with it. Definitely take your sling but I'd let them try the pram, grandparents do like taking the baby out for a walk in a pram in my experience.

Starfish85 · 21/06/2019 08:23

Sounds bonkers to me but if they want to keep the clothes etc then that's their choice.

However you are her DM and you get to decide what is best for DD. Absolutely take the sling with you and use it as much as you like.

Sceptre86 · 21/06/2019 08:24

Yabu in that getting value for money doesn't concern you as you didn't buy the clothes in the first place. In all likelihood they will probably give you the clothes anyway but I can understand them wanting to keep the bigger items anyway as they will be hoping to use them again on your next visit. It really isn't up to them to sub your daughter with clothes ( by giving them to you) especially if you hardly see them it kinda makes out that you are ok to take stuff off them but not so happy to engage with them. That really isn't a great attitude to have imo.

I think it is really sweet that they have gone to such lengths for their only sons child. Hopefully they will babysit so that you and dh can get some adult time on holiday. It is great that you are attempting to learn the language and I would definitely invest in some lessons if possible. Learning the language will help strengthen your relationship if not for yourself then your dh and baby. I would be encouraging dh to start talking to lo from the get go in his language.

I would definitely take the sling as you know, it is so much easier when out and about. She may like the pram they have bought but if she doesn't then at least you have the sling to fall back on. I would give the pram a try first, no harm in indulging them as they went to the effort of buying it. Have a great holiday!

Ohyesiam · 21/06/2019 08:27

Italiano?

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 08:36

You can't change the situation if dh is happy with it. You can only change your reaction. Grin and bear it. Use your sling if you need to and silently seethe at the waste of money.

It does seem as if they just see this as another photo opportunity and a nice room to show off to their friends.

SingingLily · 21/06/2019 08:39

Oh dear, it sounds to me as if the fancy clothes are all about showing off to their friends and neighbours and nothing to do with your child at all. Performance grandparenting with designer labels.

I can see exactly why you find this irritating so no virtual slaps from me. When your DD is older, though, she is going to find it puzzling at first and then probably just as irritating.

ElizaPancakes · 21/06/2019 08:39

As irritating as this is - it’s just irritating. It’s not harmful. Maybe to their finances but if they don’t care then honestly just let it go. It’s so not worth getting wound up about.

GPatz · 21/06/2019 08:42

Are they also attempting learn English?

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