Designer clothes at Grannie’s house

[IDontDrinkTea]

So I appreciate this is a true first world problem and I have no right to be irritated by it. Please feel free to give me a virtual slap and tell me to stop being ungrateful.

My PIL live abroad and don’t speak any English and I don’t speak their language either. So our relationship is somewhat limited, we don’t see them often and I can’t talk to them when we do see them.

I have a young DD and my DH and I are taking her abroad for a visit next month. For our stay, they have purchased a full wardrobe of designer clothes for her, they’ve redecorated a room into a state of the art nursery, they’ve bought baby baths, bouncers, a cot, etc. However all of these things are to remain there after we visit, and we can’t bring any home with us, which seems totally pointless as we aren’t planning another visit til next year when she’d have grown out of them. These are all outfits that cost over £50 per outfit. Considering I can only afford to put her in second hand stuff, this really irritates me as it seems silly that she’s got a ridiculously over the top wardrobe at Grannie’s house yet at home wears boot sale bargains.

My in laws have been to visit us once since she was born. They came for a weekend, didn’t pick her up at all other than for a quick photo opportunity, they moaned about the fact I wanted to breastfeed her (discreetly) during lunch in a pub, and requested that I didn’t bring the sling that I use to visit them - they referred to it in quite derogatory terms. They want to buy her a big fancy pram for the trip however we have a pram here and she basically cries as soon as you put her in it, you just end up pushing a pram and carrying a baby, so I tend to use the sling instead.

My DH thinks I’m being ungrateful and says if that’s how they want to spend their money then that’s up to them. However I find it irritating that they treat my DD like a doll for dressing up, and that we can’t get value for money by actually using any of this stuff more than once.

@IDontDrinkTea
Mumsnet is weird place sometimes of course yanbu what a waste of money when you’re struggling they don’t care about you or Dgc they just want to show off.
Stash some clothes in suitcases before you leave.

Guessing Italian. My PILs essentially saw my DS as an opportunity to show off their adorable GS to all and sundry, told everyone how wonderful he was and how proud they were but never really interacted with him other than my MIL constantly trying to pull him off me as I was BFing and bitching about the fact that he was always wanting to BF. Luckily mainly escaped the designer clothes thing but he was given ridiculously expensive outfits from their Southern Italian friends. YANBU. Use your sling, and get your DH to point out the massive waste of money if you can't take the clothes home.

Is your relationship good with your DH?
Just checking there is no chance that they intend to try to keep your child in that country?
Passport “lost” or custody sought in that Country
Could just be that they want to spoil their only grandchild and show off a bit but the amount spent and sort of things bought remind me of when my best friend got notice of a baby for them (adoption)

Are you sure they won't let you keep the clothes? I think buying furniture is very cmsiderate to make your life easy when you're there.
But buying clothes and not letting you keep them sounds ridiculous.
Is the country outside Europe? Are slings associated with lower social classes in their culture and posh people push parks around?

prams not parks

I think they're silly to spend their money like that and not using money yo come and visit you but that's entirely their loss and not yours. I do understand where you're coming from though as your daughter is not a living doll.

Google translate will allow you to chat to them...
Never underestimate the power of the hand of friendship.

Where are they from? Because if it's an Italian or Greek family for example, that's very normal for them.

Madness if correct. I would get DH to ask them if you can bring the clothes home as they won’t fit her next time she visits.

Have they expressly said you cant take the clothes home?

You dd has a golden opportunity to be bi lingual I hope your sh is speaking his language to her

If DH’s parents spoke another language, I would speak it: I think it’s important that you learn. You’ve been together at least 9 months so could have probably made more of an effort.

The other stuff...you come across as quite bitter that they can afford things for her you can’t. That’s not right IMO - I wouldn’t deprive my child of things because of wounded pride.

However, YANBU about the BF comments and the sling comments. Do not ignore; i would make it very fucking clear that if they don’t like it or comment, you won’t visit or spend time when them. They need to understand that in your culture you are behaving as is correct and they do not have any right to make you feel bad about it!

Are they Italian?
Why not just enjoy the clothes there, and put them out of your mind when you go home?
Also, if the sling works for you, bring it and use it. It is hard enough for a little one to not be at home , let them take comfort where they do!

Yes this stuff is definitely to remain at their house and not be brought home. I have pointed out it won’t be used again as our next planned visit is Xmas and she’ll definitely have grown out of it by then but it hasn’t changed the outcome.

No they aren’t attempting to learn English. We are going to try and bring her up bilingual. DH only speaks to her in his mother tongue and we’ve got a lot of books and tv programmes etc in that language too.

I’m not trying to be grabby as a previous poster has suggested. I have not expected them to buy her any of this stuff, and I couldn’t care less whether she wears primark or expensive brands. I’ve previously mentioned she is mostly in second hand stuff at home. I just think it’s irritating that she has more clothes in a different country than she does at home, and that those clothes are so superior to the ones she has here.

I don’t think they’re going to kidnap her. She has a British passport for one thing, and our marriage is absolutely fine. My DH agrees with me that it’s a complete waste of money what they’re doing, however he says it’s their money and if they want to waste it, that’s fine. I just wish that it could be used for something that would make our lives easier (ie something she actually needs for home) or that they’d use it to pay for flights to come and visit. When I say we don’t see them often, it’s usually about four times a year for a several days at a time so I don’t think that’s awful?

I just can't imagine sitting by and my grandchild has to wear second hand clothes, while I had loads of money that I could give to help out.

It wouldn't sit comfortably with me at all. This isn't what family is about to me.

I remember seeing my DN with overwork school shoes and I gave Dsis money to buy her some new ones, as she was having some financial difficulties.

If my parents behaved like that I'd be thoroughly pissed off and I'd let them know about it.

There's nothing good about the inlaws behaviour in this case, so I would say YANBU.

Let it go. The main thing is that they're your dds grandparents. Maybe when they see the actual size of dd they will realise they ll not fit come Christmas and suggest you take them hone?

I be grateful they lived in another country.
Culture or not it is very controlling and petty.
I bet they'd be pissed off if you acted similar all possessive with DD.
Start the way you mean to go on with these IL's.

OP you have to update us after the trip.

It is their money and of course they can spend it however they wish but this is obviously an ostentatious waste, your DD won’t be a baby the next time you visit so none of it will ever be used again!

Use the sling, breastfeed away and ignore their silly commentary. I would attempt to learn the basics of the language though.

I can understand your annoyance - it's the absolute waste, isn't it? And the showboating.

Yes it's a waste but it's their waste and not yours.

You can't change how other people behave but you can change your reaction to it. So smile, say thank you, wear the clothes, use the stuff and ignore everything else. It will only stress you out if you let it. It's a short visit once a year so just let them get on with it and don't let it bother you.

For some reason, I am also picturing them as an Italian family!

I think them fussing about breast feeding/sling thing is annoying, but for the other stuff - you're not losing anything so I'd let it go.

It's nice that they have done up the nursery, it sounds like she will be growing up with GP who make her feel very welcome :)

I would definitely not do what others have suggested about taking a suitcase for clothes and taking them anyway, that's awful! And as she's EBF she's little and she wouldn't be able to wear them for long even at home. So again, no loss. I'd focus on the positives here.

And re: taking a suitcase for the clothes

"we used to buy our granddaughter lots of lovely things for her stays but had to stop as our daughter in law kept STEALING from us" - not a good look!!!!

Stash some clothes in suitcases before you leave. (shakes head in disbelief)

What a great idea, let's steal from the in laws!

Stealing is gross. Don't do that.