People with low self esteem

[Rowennaravenclaw]

Do you find people with low self esteem who always do themselves down annoying?
Yanbu= yes
Yabu = no

twatty, that’s a great post and I’m glad someone earlier mentioned CBT earlier too.

I think this thread is a great example of the problems people with low self esteem have. They feel worthless and people around them can tell and some people (examples of whom are on this thread) take it as carte blanche to criticise, belittle and generally be nasty to them which of course reinforces their feelings of inferiority and a vicious cycle is created.

I used to be a bit like that but had CBT and am much more confident about telling people to eff off cos I don’t care what they think these days (it’s very liberating and I’d recommend it to anyone with low self esteem.

Mirri I think I'd rather believe the multiple mental health professionals I've dealt with in my life, as well as the many books I've been recommended by them, than a random on the Internet who doesn't appear to have any understanding of the subject but has a strong opinion.

Thanks for the diagnosis though

@Mirrivan
I believe that many people who consider themselves to have low self-esteem actually have a different problem - the belief or knowledge that they are not highly esteemed by others.

This is all part of self-esteem though? The looking-glass self.

As an aside I have quite low self esteem (I don't bang on about it). I have an aunt who looks me up and down every time I see her - she is very prim, slim and wealthy whereas I'm none of this things - and another who asks me if I've lost weight or tells me I look better in fitted stuff rather than my 'usual bags' if I happen to be wearing something closer fitting. Really pisses me off.

I don't find low self-esteem annoying. I do think some people express it in an annoying way.

Having said that, most of the examples people are giving in this thread seem like self-pity, not low self-esteem. They're not the same thing. People that whine about how unlucky they are and play the victim don't generally have low self-esteem - it's often the opposite, ie they think they are never the one at fault and that they deserve better.

It's not usually someones 'fault' if they have low self esteem and your comment sounds a bit judgy if I'm honest. I get if someone is going on about it all the time but if they are friend then they need support and not you thinking that they are annoying so I do think you Abu. I think everyone suffers with it in at least one aspect of their life and you should feel able to talk about your feelings with people openly without people making assumptions about you.

YANBU. I have ghosted people over this.

Really? Wow!

No. Possibly I would if they pretend to do themselves down just to fish for compliments, or to 'suck up' to conceited types. But not those who have genuinely low self-esteem. It's a misfortune, not a fault, and often based on negative experiences in the past. And I'd prefer them to braggarts!

You can say you have low self esteem because you get told it by people. I think I'm a rubbish teacher but the head tells me they would be lost without me, I think she doesn't know what she's talking about.

@shodan

Where, exactly, did I contradict it? It's not completely false, if you could be bothered to do any reading on the subject you'd know that. But clearly you have your own agenda, which doesn't include either empathy or a desire to expand a tiny mind.

Try not to be so hard of thinking.

Hard of thinking? if anyone is hard of thinking here, it's you. And you're name calling and insulting people who disagree with you whilst playing the victim.

I'm happy to explain why I think your statement is completely wrong. You specifically said that low self esteem is built, brick by brick, by arrogant, selfish, bitchy parents/friends/partners.

arrogant selfish and bitchy people, right?

You then stated that:

they may have been told by a parent that they're ugly/unattractive/stupid, that they are less important than other members of the family. And/or they might always have been the one to do the skivvying where others were let off. Or they might have been physically or sexually abused. Or they might have been ignored in favour of other siblings.

Friends may have laughed at them, at their clothes, or their hairstyle, or their lack of ability in sport, or all of the above.

How is any of that arrogant or bitchy or even selfish?

Would you say that severe parental neglect is "arrogant, selfish or bitchy"?

Would you call sexually abusing a child to be "arrogant, selfish or bitchy"? When people talk about the ian huntley, do they think "what a bitchy and selfish guy"?

Physically abusing a child? "arrogant, selfish or bitchy"?

Horrific bullying? "arrogant, selfish or bitchy"?

None of the things you discussed had anything to do with being arrogant or bitchy or even selfish. People don't abuse kids because they are arrogant or neglect kids because they are bitchy or even selfish. I'm sorry but you need to do more reading yourself.

You see, I think you said those specific words because "arrogant, selfish and bitchy" are the kinds of things people with low self esteem tend on to project onto everyone else. If someone has low self esteem due to abuse or neglect then they may assume everyone else is against them and interpret normal human interactions as "arrogant selfish or bitchy". They assume the worst of everyone and of every occasion. "Arrogant selfish and bitchy" implies superficial interactions. An unfriendly checkout attendant is "arrogant, selfish and bitchy". A sexually abusive father is not "arrogant, selfish and bitchy", is he?

And the word "bitchy" is just a nice misogynistic dog whistle to gender the whole thing. Low self esteem is due to bitchy women. That's what that statement really means.

And then you said low self esteem is built "brick by brick" by bitchy arrogant people. You then linked to a MIND resource that said the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. Which is that low self esteem can be linked to abuse, neglect, discrimination, relationship problems. In other words, it's not built brick by brick at all. It's linked to huge problems within people's lives. Those problems then colour everything else.

tl;dr: the type of abuse/neglect/trauma that leads to severely low self esteem is caused by people/situations that have nothing to do with being "arrogant/selfish or bitchy". And "bitchy" is a gendered dog whistle that implies that other women are primarily to blame.