People with low self esteem

[Rowennaravenclaw]

Do you find people with low self esteem who always do themselves down annoying?
Yanbu= yes
Yabu = no

IMHO it’s a MH problem as soon as stops a person doing “normal” activities, doing everyday normal things like going to the gym, going to the shops, working - and being able to be happy while doing them. My relative struggles with all these things. At a gym she’s convinced everyone is laughing at her clumsiness and bright red face. I was with her in a shop once when she dropped a jar of baby food which smashed on the floor: it was like the world had ended for her, that she’d done something so utterly clumsy and stupid and was putting the shop assistant out to have to clean it. As I say, in every job she feels bullied - because her cringey manner brings out the worst in some people.

So whether it’s a MH problem that you’d find defined in the Big Official List of MH Illnesses, IDK. But it’s certainly a mental issue that is a problem.

Low self esteem but massive ego

this.

Lots of bullies have low self esteem. Lots of people with insecurities are mean, nasty, self absorbed and extremely brittle. Lots of abusers have low self esteem. Having low self esteem isn't some sort of get out of jail free card for negative behavior.

@shodan you specifically said that low self esteem is built, brick by brick, by arrogant, selfish, bitchy parents/friends/partners.

This is completely false and you even contradicted it in your later posts. That is a victimhood complex talking.

I won't bow and scrape to or coddle anyone including people who use pressure and guilt to try and control the people they are around.

Ugh I don't think it's as easy as saying YABU or not... some people have ingrained low self esteem and can't not be like that, others put it on for attention. I have outing examples... Basically I think you've come across people in the latter category but it's hard to tell unless you know the people very well

No I’m one of them

I have met people with incredibly high self esteem who constantly do this just to boost their ego some more. There was a girl like this in secondary school and I used to sit rolling my eyes at her. She thought very highly of herself but would sit there moaning about being fat and ugly so everyone would be all ‘aww, no you’re not!’. She knew she wasn’t, she just endlessly fished.

People who genuinely have low self esteem aren’t annoying but I find they generally don’t go on about it.

I don’t think it’s that clear cut. Some people might be like that and very annoying they are too. But a lot of people who are outwardly self deprecating have massive, massive egos and huge self esteem but also want to be validated and admired by others and know that is an effective way to get what they want. OTOH I have low self esteem and don't often put myself down as I am scared people will agree with me.

Yes hate snowflakey, weak people

Wow they say mental health has moved on but Jesus some people are terrible.

Me I've got it a result of years of bullying as a child, I blame the bullys from back then no one else.

Yeah we might need a bit of extra reassurance but that's why why I don't bother too much as sometimes its easier.

We might be quiet but sometimes we are more thoughtful and you might get a better conversation than a lot of people.

Oh and OP voting on mental health issues WTF

In a way, yes. I have one colleague who does it every single time there is a conversation about anything.

It can also be a symptom of AD(H)D which often goes undiagnosed, especially in girls/women where the hyperactivity element is less prevalent. Crippling for those affected.

Annoying? No.
Frustrating? Yes.

I can be like this sometimes.
People don't actively choose to do themselves down.

Mirri that is PART of low self esteem. I constantly told myself that no one could love me because I wasn't worth loving. This was also ingrained due to years of low level emotional abuse and quite severe bullying at school.

There have been lots of ways low self esteem impacted me negatively and made me behave in a destructive manner. Although I've worked hard to overcome this it's really not easy and therapy is expensive. I probably need psychotherapy but i can't afford it and I'm a coper - so I'm not considered "Ill enough".
It's likely I'll never have a functioning romantic relationship but I don't come across as a negative person at all and do have lots of friends. My main aim is to make sure my daughter is instilled with a healthy sense of self esteem as I don't want her to go through what I have.

@shodan you specifically said that low self esteem is built, brick by brick, by arrogant, selfish, bitchy parents/friends/partners.

This is completely false and you even contradicted it in your later posts. That is a victimhood complex talking

Where, exactly, did I contradict it? It's not completely false, if you could be bothered to do any reading on the subject you'd know that. But clearly you have your own agenda, which doesn't include either empathy or a desire to expand a tiny mind.

I won't bow and scrape to or coddle anyone including people who use pressure and guilt to try and control the people they are around.

You have grossly misunderstood the problem of low self-esteem. Try not to be so hard of thinking.

So your attitude is going to make them fell a whole load better?

But if someone spends ages bolstering people is that not a question of why they do that (possibly codependency?) and kind of their issue, as well?

I don't have a problem at all with people who are anxious and have low self esteem because I honestly believe we have all been there or going to be there at some point in our lives. Part of being human is being vulnerable and taking the bad alongside the good...kipling had the right idea.

However I do have little time for the professional moaners and even worse the faux helpless.

Firstly because they are very clear that they know what the problem is . I've heard many a time from people " well I know I'm ugly and I know it's all because I've got low self esteem "...or rather a paraphrased format of which ...

Well if you know why are you highlighting it ? Why are you saying it when it serves no purpose ? They usually say it because they are seeking validation from you to discount that statement. That feels manipulate and controlling. Ultimately I do not appreciate being pressganged into propping up someone's mental health with our my agreement because they aren't prepared to do the hard work.

And it is hard ,by God it is hard and I will never take that away from anyone. I am the world's biggest supporter for someone saying I am having g a bad day and I'm struggling I have a plan to make things better but I don't know if it will work but I'm trying can you hold my hand while I do it ?

Absobloodyluttely with bells on. However no I have little time for people who don't try to resolve things.

Try and fail , we all do , over and over ...but bloody try. Even if it's as tiny as putting clothes on when you want to stay in bed all day....Id be cheering if they put a t shirt on and couldn't do the rest and got back into bed....they tried.

But no I can't bear the " oh I couldn't possibly " tribe

I agree mirrivan there is a cultural expectation of women with low self esteem and I absolutely detest those that feed into it as they feel it is part of their image . Not those who genuinely feel it but God knows I've met several women who play up to it for effect and it's soul destroying to watch

Some of these posts are really unpleasant. I’m a people pleaser, largely as a result of having to appease adults during my childhood and never deeming myself good enough. I admit I go above and beyond for others, often to my own detriment. However, I’ve never complained or faced it back to others. I just get inwardly stressed which then results in being physically unwell and exhausted. I seriously would love the ability not to give a s*t sometimes, but years of counselling and I still struggle. Please don’t be too hard on others, we have no idea what some people are going through.

I do and I don't. I think there's a big difference between someone with genuinely low self esteem and those who just want the attention that comes with it.
I do have very low self esteem, I was bullied throughout school, my (very intelligent and highly educated) mother spent my life until 15 telling me how fat, ugly, stupid, arrogant I was, how I was never ever going to amount to anything, no one loved me, you get the picture. It's sunk in deep, and I can't really help the fact that I put every achievement down to luck and that I assume everyone is better than me. In that way, I do feel bad for people who have very low self esteem because I've been there. That said, some people are just out for the sympathy. I had an ex friend who was always saying how everyone hated her, how shewas stupid, etc. But that never went both ways, if ever me or another friend needed help we got fuck all from her. I once went to her because I'd had someone from student support tell me (as an opening gambit) that I shouldn't cut in front of people (which I never would anyway) and try to threaten me into having security come to my house every day, her response was to tell me that I should stop razoring myself and then when I cut her off for that (after many other things) she went about to our mutual friend saying how I must hate her and how hard of a time she was having.
So, in short, no I don't find people who have low self esteem annoying, because always thinking the worst of yourself is horrible, but the people who are annoying are the people who expect sympathy but never extend that courtesy to others.

@MirriVan you've just demonstrated how little understanding you have of low self esteem. You constantly tell yourself things because you have an internal voice. Everyone has this, it's normally the voice of your parents. So if your parents feed you positive messages about yourself from an early age it's positive and you have strong self esteem. If you're constantly fed messages that you're not good enough then your inner voice tells you this over and over again.

That doesn't mean you don't seek out love or a sexual partner, in fact the opposite is true. Often people with low self esteem will constantly seek love. In my case it made me a target for people who would abuse me further, because negative relationships seem normal to me. Yes having my daughter has actually helped my self esteem, so has therapy but I battle with the inner voice daily. You really should try to educate yourself before spouting off fairly offensive nonsense. Mental illness is real and poor self esteem is a major cause of mental ill health.