People with low self esteem

[Rowennaravenclaw]

Do you find people with low self esteem who always do themselves down annoying?
Yanbu= yes
Yabu = no

@shodan Low self-esteem is built, brick by brick, by arrogant, selfish, bitchy parents/friends/partners.

This is the kind of thing people with low self esteem think. Their emotional state is everyone else's fault.

"arrogant" or "bitchy" i.e. people not giving you the emotional reactions you want which makes them a bitch.

"selfish" i.e. people not mindreading your deepest desires despite you giving no signal as to your wants.

Low self esteem isn't created by people being bitchy, it's often down to abuse and neglect. But understanding that would take insight, self awareness and boundaries. Rather than a woe is me/everyone hates me/I'm going to eat worms attitude.

This is the kind of thing people with low self esteem think. Their emotional state is everyone else's fault.

There's so much wrong with this statement that I don't even know where to start.

Do you think that people are born with low self-esteem? Or get it from the odd comment here and there?

Of course they aren't. Among other things, they may have been told by a parent that they're ugly/unattractive/stupid, that they are less important than other members of the family. And/or they might always have been the one to do the skivvying where others were let off. Or they might have been physically or sexually abused. Or they might have been ignored in favour of other siblings.

Friends may have laughed at them, at their clothes, or their hairstyle, or their lack of ability in sport, or all of the above.

Low self-esteem is not "drama" or a desire for certain "emotional reactions". It is a mental health issue that affects many, many people and it's mind-boggling that anyone can dismiss it as anything else.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.XQ1Tq3dFzb0 Some information here, for anyone who fancies opening their minds.

Frankly, yes. It is absolutely exhausting continually building someone up and reassuring them all the time.

God no. People who have low self esteem don't chose to be that way. IMO that's as illogical as finding someone annoying because they have one arm. It's human nature. People who lean to embrace others faults and all are normally the happiest people.

shodan

I suffered from low self esteem for years.

I only got better when I copped on that it was my job to fix it, no one else's.

*suffered from low self esteem for years.

I only got better when I copped on that it was my job to fix it, no one else's*

Amen

If you’ve low self esteem read about external vs internal locus of control. Do you have things “happen” to you or do you reflect on what you could’ve done differently? The latter outlook is out of fashion perhaps now.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

I suffered from low self esteem for years.

As did I. And I agree with you on this: I only got better when I copped on that it was my job to fix it, no one else's.

I wasn't the cause of my low self-esteem, but I did work extremely hard to fix it. It took many years and, fortunately for me, the love and support of a fantastic group of friends/some family who recognised that it wasn't my fault that I'd grown up that way and more crucially, never displayed any hint of being annoyed with me for being that way.

I can only imagine the effect it would have on someone who still suffers from low self-esteem, to have less empathic people getting annoyed with them, or brushing off their mental health issues as simply being over-emotional/needy. Thankfully, I know no such people.

Yep. I find myself really annoying. And other people probably do to.

Siameasy

do you reflect on what you could’ve done differently? The latter outlook is out of fashion perhaps now.

I can assure you, people with low self-esteem do nothing BUT reflect on what they could have done differently. Whereas those with bucketloads of self-esteem will usually just brush off a mistake, confident in their own actions/decisions.

I am like this. I am riddled with mental health problems and autism and I absolutely hate and disgust myself for being this way. I think it stems from my my abusive childhood. Won't go into it but will give you one example I remember clearly; I was about 8 or 9 and on top of my chest of drawers was a very clunky, heavy tv set. I can't remember why, but I tried to move or lift it and it ended up falling on top of my head. I felt very ill and dizzy and ran into my mum's room crying and told her what happened. She laughed at me. Loudly and happily while tears streamed down my face and I tried to stand up straight. I remember looking into the mirror that night and my face was grey. I wasn't taken to hospital. Learnt very quickly that I didn't matter.

@AProblemHasOccured Was going to write a "so sorry" message but I know it won't make a scrap of difference to how you feel so I'll just say there are other people who have been through similar and we're still here in spite of what others have done to us xx

The foundations of healthy self esteem are laid down early in childhood. If you have negative early experiences such as being bullied this can affect your self esteem. If you have healthy self esteem you are lucky. It’s not something to pat yourself on the back about.

I'm working through my low self esteem, as well as a myriad of other things, with my counselor. In my case I can see where it's come from very easily. My mother was / is extremely controlling and emotionally manipulative and abusive, and my dad did nothing except sir and watch and contribute to the physical abuse. I'm not going to describe situations on here but it isn't a case of being weak. And I already spend most of the time thinking other people think I'm annoying or a nuisance, though I put a front up, so thanks for confirming that.

My work team are very understanding. I've put a mask on most of my life but my manager has anxiety and low self esteem herself so has recognised it in me. She is being very accommodating and supportive. By that I mean giving me positive feedback as well as criticism and being generally nice and supportive. I'm not expecting and iy would be my worst nightmare to have to have adaptions and a fuss made of me. The support ATM is perfect.

The way I manifest my low self esteem is in a myriad of ways. My whole idea of self worth is based on other people's opinions of me or rather what I think they are. Therefore if I've annoyed someone or done something even slightly wrong , I apologize profusely. I also thank people a lot. I'm scares of others reactions and how I think of myself don't matter it's others. I believe that I'm responsible for others behaviour and through I'm trying to train myself out of that it isn't easy. If someone is annoyed or down, they could be like that with everyone else but no. In my mind it's me and what have I done and how can I fix it?

My way of coping with upset has been addiction. I was never allowed to show negative emotions growing up, and was sneered at if I did. I had to find some way of accessing comfort while alone, and a way of making myself better without losing face. I find it very hard to show emotions and hate crying. I see it as I'm showing weakness. Agajnz confirmed by parents.

Assertiveness is another issue. I'm fine to challenge behaviour in work but when I meet resistance I find it hard to insist. In a group, even if I have the most experience,if others in group insist on taking over I'll do it their way to avoid conflict and end up rescuing it at the end.

I judge myself for making judgements or assumptions. Eg when walking home late at night saw a young man in a hoody and felt threatened as not the best area. I felt guilty for feeling threatened and therefore spoke up to him and put myself in a potentially dangerous situation.

I feel responsible for others. I've a friend in NA who is back and fo a lot. Texts a lot when he wants something but never replies to me. It annoys me a bit and then I feel guilty for getting annoyed.

I get extremely nervous even when a Situation is weeks away and not worth worrying. I go above and beyond for friend a d try to understand her issue, yet get no understanding back. I feel annoyed ans then guilty.

This is quite a long essay so I apologize for that,! I wanted to make the point that not all people with self esteem are the same. Many don't require extra adjustments from others. In my previous jobs everyone thought I was so happy and cheerful due to the mask and it's oh in my current role someone's noticed. I'm so keen NOT to be a nuisance that I definitely don't seem constant reassurance,! Instead I say sorry and thanks a lot and torture myself internally.

I'm working through and making progress. I've started to challenge my thoughts eg I've pissed off boss, by writing them down. Eg asking why she's annoyed at me, what I've done, if there's other factors, what can I do, does it matter etc and then rewriting the statement more positively. That's helping. Am working with my counsellor and doing research and homework between sessions . Am trying to put boundaries in place with mam.

Not everyone who has self esteem problems is weak, or a snow flake, or a bit delicate. Chances are there are some really horrible stories about. Something's made them like it after all,! No one expects special treatment, puppies in the canteen or banners saying well done for coming to work. But a bit of understanding and positivity would be nice and it really makes a difference

"I can only imagine the effect it would have on someone who still suffers from low self-esteem, to have less empathic people getting annoyed with them."

But it IS annoying when someone goes on and on and on about their problems without listening to others. This is, in my experience, often the way with people with low self esteem. Low self esteem but massive ego.

People who have low self esteem but recognise that it's no one else's job to fix it - fair enough. People who cling and act needy etc - no, sorry. I can't be arsed with that.

" No one expects special treatment, puppies in the canteen or banners saying well done for coming to work. "

Sorry but you are wrong. I have met TONS of people like that.

I can’t stand people with low self esteem who moan and think the world ought to praise and handle them like a child. They need to grow up and realise everyone has problems and that most people don’t actually give a fuck about their emotions or issues, we just go along with the whole ‘you ok? You’re doing a great job!’ because it’s expected.

Low self esteem but massive ego

^my experience too.

I can assure you, people with low self-esteem do nothing BUT reflect on what they could have done differently. Whereas those with bucketloads of self-esteem will usually just brush off a mistake, confident in their own actions/decisions.

Reflect, learn and move on or wallow, over think and put yourself down? It’s not the case that people are either in possession of zero self esteem or otherwise a complete arsehole. Most people are in the middle. If no one is harmed it probably would be better to brush off a mistake rather than over think it. If I eg fuck up driving I reflect at the time but I don’t dwell on it because I know that to do so is destructive.

What people are saying is that -to varying degrees -many people have deranged upbringings but when you’re an adult only you can change things and if people don’t try to help themselves they shouldn’t expect much sympathy.

Not so much self esteem, but related, Victims can be annoying when they won;t take any responsibility for changing things (often choices they have made) and try and make it others problems to solve.

I agree that people should try to help themselves. That doesn't mean they should just 'get over it' and stop 'wallowing'. It quite often means a concentrated effort to resist systems that have been inbuilt for the past 20plus years. It isn't stubbornness and can often come from a place of fear - 'i need to say sorry for minor things or they won't like me' and it's about putting yourself on the backfoot. And it does take some reassurance that actually no, people will not hate you if you don't say sorry needlessly. And I'm not saying that reassurance is down to colleagues, not at all! Mine comes from my counsellor.

As I said in my last jobs no one ever knew. Maybe some people do expect puppies and banners but that isn't everyone. I don know people like that and it does get a bit much. Id even say that level of fuss is unhelpful. For most people with self esteem problems, the voice in the their head is their downfall. The thing that tells you people will hate you, that X is annoyed because of something you've done, that you're stupid and needy etc.

Pandering to that voice and giving it more attention does not work. For me what works is writing stuff down and challenging my thinking. Yes work can be hard sometimes. Yes I get stressed sometimes. In those situations I take my lunch break Todo my mindfulness app or some colouring.

A big fuss being made, praising me for going to work, is not helpful. It cements in my mind that going to work for eg is a massive achievement that's difficult and. Allows me to use that as justification in future. It also means more people know.

I might be different in that I don't tend to let people know. My current manager only knows as she recognised signs in me that she'd had herself. None of the team know apart from me saying sorry when I make mistakes which is a lot, because new job. I think people are right in that fuss and flapping doesn't help and the individual has to challenge stuff themselves. But some empathy wouldn't go amiss. We're all told MH is important etc - that's not very apparent on this thread

Some of my very best friends have had/still do have self esteem issues and it is very annoying to watch them do that to themselves. Doesn't mean i love them any less though.

@Madein1995
I just want today how insightful and eloquent i think your posts are. My relative is trying some of the things you mention, but she just cannot seem to break down the brick wall that she is trapped behind. I feel like I’m on the other side shouting “it’s okay over here - honestly! No one else really gives a shit what you do / say / look like - they’re all too busy worrying about themselves! Come over and have some fun!”. For me, there is no wall. For her, it’s 50ft high and made of titanium.

But some empathy wouldn't go amiss. We're all told MH is important etc - that's not very apparent on this thread

Is low self esteem a mental health problem in itself though? It’s not a condition.
Sure, it can lead into depression and other mental health problems but that doesn’t make low self esteem an actually mental health problem itself.

I have empathy to a point. Someone with a mental health condition I think “there but for the grace of God”. Low self esteem is not in the same vein but we are so keen to pathologise MH now that any negative emotion is worrisome even if there’s a reason for it. Yet for serious mental health problems the system is in crisis.
Referring to my work mate who could be a composite of lots of people I’ve known over the years. He is draining, drama and attention seeking because he has low self esteem. He is also overweight yet won’t take action despite complaining about it and asking advice. In that case what he wants is pandering to and yes I definitely experience compassion fatigue at such individuals.