To think not all sahm are there by choice?

[Fakenametodayhey]

I am a sahm and apparently i should be grateful. However i can't afford to work- it would cost our family more than i would be able to take in.

My partner had some time off recently and i volunteered at a school to get experience, applied to finish my education (which was postponed when i became pregnant with my first)
It was decided I would look for work or continue studying until savings ran low and then we would maybe work part time each or just try and work it out so i can get my chance out of the house and experoence the working world.

It was my first time out of the house without the kids (apart from a very few sparse, guilt ridden nights out. Mostly with dh anyway)
I really became to realise what i had been missing out on as a sahm and i began resenting all the time i had been stuck in the house. Anyway. He had enough of being the sahd after little over a month and went back to his old company who apparently missed him (i guess) and offered him more money. So i was expected to drop my volunteer work/ cancel completing education in september and just go back to how things were.

I now feel so bitter and resentful towards him. Ive become depressed and i just cry all the time. He is working longer hours and i feel so trapped.
I had to quit my volunteer work with no notice and im so embarrassed to top it all off.
I think that if he couldnt handle a litttle over a month of being a sahd then surely he can understand that i dont wabt to be a sahm anymore.
He has been helping out with the cleaning and he is a really good loving dad and husband but i just feel so angry towards him.
I am going to have to wait until spetember 2021 for my youngest to get 15 hours free childcare.
And another year after that for the 30hrs.

And to top it all off- my eldest is going through a really bad phase of just testing boundries and everything. Even getting out of the house for school recently is a job. I just cant take it anymore. And i know a couple of years isnt long in the long run. But when youre feeling trapped in a role that just doesnt suit anymore- a day is hard to get through . Never mind a couple of years.

And to top off the top off- a friend of mine just graduated university and has a job doing what i was supposed to do before i had kids. I havent even been able to be happy for her (which is shit- obviously i fake it but inside i feel like crying) because its just like looking into a mirror of what could have been my life.

What do i do? I have told my DH and he is trying to make my life easier but i just think its so infair that he gets to be the breadwinner even though i want to be. Ive supported his carreer and i just want the same for myself

I could have been earning twice the amount in the same time he has had if he was at home from the start.

I have started being nasty and rolling my eyes and internally sighing and i domt want to. I want to love him but i feel so sick that im stuck at home waiting.

How old are the kids? It's easy to feel resentful but the best idea is to start a plan for your career. What can you be doing now? Volunteer work? An evening/weekend job for experience and to save up for childcare/study in the future? There's still time for you to achieve what you want if you're proactive.

Have you put your details into the benefits calculator to see if you would be eligible for help towards childcare - the cut off is quite high. Or you can get 25% off childcare with tax-free childcare. Would either of those make it worth you returning to work?

Really sorry to hear that. I think childcare should be provided by the state for these very reasons. Is there no way he could work 4 days rather than 5? Or can you get a job on Saturday or Sunday that gives you experience and maybe pays for a days childcare during the week? Any local family that could have your dc even 1/2 a day per week. Saw a newspaper headline yesterday that even one days work a week improves your mental health!

Yes well its tricky because he is mostly stayong away at work 6 days a week and asleep half of the one day off. He has luckily been working near this week and its made me feel so sad that i feel this way. Just want to be nice but find myself being nasty and all my stress is being aimed at him.
Kids are 6, 4and 1 and have absolutely no family that will look after them. One family member we asked said yes but after i dropped off 4 year old at nursery and got back to the family member with the baby itd be too late to get back to volunteer as o dont drive

It wouldnt even break even even with the discount. Ive tried every which way but we would still be loosing money even though hes earning more now

But when you're feeling trapped in a role that just doesn't suit anymore- a day is hard to get through . Never mind a couple of years.

This is how I'm feeling. Not quite the same because I could afford to put my dc into childcare but can't bring myself to, so I feel stuck in the same way and will be for at least the next 18 months.

My only saving grace is that I have an engrossing hobby which I tend to do when my youngest dc is asleep (my tot decided not to have a decent nap today and my mood has very much changed for the worse). I love my little dc but without a doubt I feel trapped - I look around at people with older dcs (I have an older one too) and things get so much easier. I am rapidly losing patience and I think if I am honest I feel angry most of the time. We don't have any extended family either and no help with childcare. I try to make the most of little dc because she is my last dc but I can't help but wish time away - I struggle without 'me' time/head space and the need for this seems to have increased as I have got older. I know I will feel much better once dc goes off to pre-school/school. I need this, things feel too intense at the moment. I am well educated and at the very least, I need to do some voluntary work to get some social interaction and get out of the house and back into the adult world.

If you are in England won't things be more affordable in September when middle child is at school?

In terms of volunteering - could you do something like help run a local toddler group or the preschool your middle child attended so you could take your youngest with you?

Sounds incredibly stressful and like DH has shut down. Needs a proper conversation really when the kids aren't around to distract. I think in this day and age you are allowed to draw a line and say you won't be SAHM any more. You will be going to education/work and he will be supporting you. Can you radically cut costs e.g. switch to a cheaper car, move house to somewhere cheaper with less council tax etc.? It sounds like the alternative is you having a breakdown which will be much worse for all of the family never mind you. DH needs to see that reality.

It wouldnt even break even even with the discount. Ive tried every which way but we would still be loosing money even though hes earning more now

Losing money is OK though if you can afford it. Lots of people do end up losing money by working but it' still better financially long term and better for their mental health.

You chose to have children that you couldn’t afford unless you stayed home. I don’t think you can credibly deny the role you played in putting yourself in this position.

Lots of people do end up losing money by working but it' still better financially long term and better for their mental health

This is undoubtedly true but it's got me thinking... How fucked up is our society when we're all merrily accepting that's it's ok to work more and earn less?

I think you should try and shift the way you look at things. You’ve obviously had children young, and have had a reasonably large family and will be free to enter the workplace within a couple of years and work uninterrupted for decades. You will see loads of people (mainly women!) taking time off, careers stalling, missing opportunities etc, while you’ll be able to focus on work and do so knowing you have three children and were able to be a SAHM for their early years. If you look at it that way, you’ve nailed it!

This is why had dh not changed careers we would never have had children as we wouldn't have been able to afford it in our old area and on our shitty wages. My best friend thought everything would somehow work out ok if they had kids but of course the money situation just got worse and worse, and the longer they were out of work the harder it's been for them to bite the bullet and find employment. If I'd had a career id loved as well I'd never have had children.

Hm. I'm in two minds as I'd have been equally miserable as a SAHM, which is why I only had one child because I knew I could afford FT childcare for 2... I'd dearly love another but am prioritising not wanting to be a SAHM above having another child. You've made the opposite choice which is your prerogative but I couldn't agree that you are a SAHM because you don't have a choice...

Hm. I'm in two minds as I'd have been equally miserable as a SAHM, which is why I only had one child because I knew I could afford FT childcare for 2... I'd dearly love another but am prioritising not wanting to be a SAHM above having another child. You've made the opposite choice which is your prerogative but I couldn't agree that you are a SAHM because you don't have a choice...

I kind of agree with Boggle and nauseous, in my area a cm is around £4.50 per hour so even on the minimum wage you're in profit working. Out of my friends several spaced their dc out to benefit from the funded childcare, others stuck at one child to maintain their jobs. I can see how parents of dc with disabilities and parents of twins have no choice though.

It sounds like he changed your agreement very suddenly and without involving you in the decision. Of course you’re feeling shocked and angry. If he wasn’t happy being sahd then that was something you needed to discuss and come up with a new plan.

I don’t have a solution though, and yes a lot of women sahm because too expensive to work.

I think to a degree we all resent what we aren't doing. I work full time (and have 5 children) and resent it hugely! I am a teacher so get the holidays off though. But still...!

But it was a choice to have three children and not to want to pay childcare costs. I think there are very few people who have no choice. It's just that they don't want to pay etc.

Whatthehell, that's an interesting perspective. I don't think I resent the fact that I don't work, I resent the fact that I can't be selfish and do some more things for me, I suppose that I am envious of people who have time to do stuff for themselves be it a job they enjoy or just being able to sustain an adult conversation over a coffee without a toddler running amuck (it's a passing phase, I know) whereas I am fortunate if I get an hour or two to myself in the day whilst toddler dc naps and if I want to go out...cue the paraphernalia this entails. My dh is fab and usually enables me to grab some time in the evening though because he appreciates that it isn't easy spending all day every day with the dcs. Working full-time with 5 children sounds like hard work. I was paid a relatively low wage and with 3 dcs wouldn't be earning much annually by the time I paid holiday clubs etc. so it would have to be a job I really loved I think but I realise that I am fortunate to be able to make that calculation in the first place.

@haveuheard volunteerong at a playgroup is a wonferful idea! Thank you

@Preggosaurus9 we dont drive and already save as much as we can on everything (secondhand clothes/ shop at aldi/ windowsill salad growing etc) we really dont have anymore room to be more frugal.

We are saving for a house too and obviously that would take much longer if we paid for childcare out of savings we have left. But. But. But... i feel oike i will explode. So much to consider now youre a grownup and its doing my head innnnnnn

@BogglesGoggles well realistically i should have done this when i had only one child and not three. So i could have afforeded childcare for one but not for three now without it costing us more. Plus i would need to pay for the entire course agaon because specifi ations chamged last year so that is now adding on thousands to the cost (plus another year redoing the course i already did just for an updated spec) so i probably could have afforded it if the spec hadnt chamged but now it will take me longer and cost me more to complete what i already half finished.

Also i need enough ucas points so i also have to pay to finish +2 extra courses which agai adds on more money.
So i could have afforded it last year (but was preg and very ill hospitalised and didnt fancy returning to education a big fat mess amyway) but i didnt know that the qualifications i already have are now effectively obsolete. So i have to start over again and then go to uni instead of fonishing a cheap one year course.

Came as a complete shock when i enquired to my potential new teacher. Im pretty sure he realised i was nearly crying because he became extremely sympathetic and extra helpful and even angry at how it messes everyone up!

Not to mention curcumstances change and what you can afford in 2010 for example may not be able to afford in 2019. Especially since prices of everything seems to be going up but wages arent.

@MeanMrMustardSeed actually that really has helped me feel better.
AND i never woyld have thought of my situation that way.
Thank you so much. This is why i go on mumsnet !

@Mycatwontstopstaring yes he did. And now i am parentling solo 6 days a week and have no alone time.

I usef to love being a sahm but si ce last dc very depressed