To think not all sahm are there by choice?

[Fakenametodayhey]

I am a sahm and apparently i should be grateful. However i can't afford to work- it would cost our family more than i would be able to take in.

My partner had some time off recently and i volunteered at a school to get experience, applied to finish my education (which was postponed when i became pregnant with my first)
It was decided I would look for work or continue studying until savings ran low and then we would maybe work part time each or just try and work it out so i can get my chance out of the house and experoence the working world.

It was my first time out of the house without the kids (apart from a very few sparse, guilt ridden nights out. Mostly with dh anyway)
I really became to realise what i had been missing out on as a sahm and i began resenting all the time i had been stuck in the house. Anyway. He had enough of being the sahd after little over a month and went back to his old company who apparently missed him (i guess) and offered him more money. So i was expected to drop my volunteer work/ cancel completing education in september and just go back to how things were.

I now feel so bitter and resentful towards him. Ive become depressed and i just cry all the time. He is working longer hours and i feel so trapped.
I had to quit my volunteer work with no notice and im so embarrassed to top it all off.
I think that if he couldnt handle a litttle over a month of being a sahd then surely he can understand that i dont wabt to be a sahm anymore.
He has been helping out with the cleaning and he is a really good loving dad and husband but i just feel so angry towards him.
I am going to have to wait until spetember 2021 for my youngest to get 15 hours free childcare.
And another year after that for the 30hrs.

And to top it all off- my eldest is going through a really bad phase of just testing boundries and everything. Even getting out of the house for school recently is a job. I just cant take it anymore. And i know a couple of years isnt long in the long run. But when youre feeling trapped in a role that just doesnt suit anymore- a day is hard to get through . Never mind a couple of years.

And to top off the top off- a friend of mine just graduated university and has a job doing what i was supposed to do before i had kids. I havent even been able to be happy for her (which is shit- obviously i fake it but inside i feel like crying) because its just like looking into a mirror of what could have been my life.

What do i do? I have told my DH and he is trying to make my life easier but i just think its so infair that he gets to be the breadwinner even though i want to be. Ive supported his carreer and i just want the same for myself

I could have been earning twice the amount in the same time he has had if he was at home from the start.

I have started being nasty and rolling my eyes and internally sighing and i domt want to. I want to love him but i feel so sick that im stuck at home waiting.

Sorry if it’s already been said, haven’t read it all. What about open university while you’re at home, by time the kids are getting free hours you could be qualified

Two words!. Birth control!

You just have to carry on till youngest gets free childcare. And obviously don't have any more.

OP, I was going to suggest trying to persuade him that the increased outgoings on childcare would be an investment, because they would increase your future earning potential, but if your finances are that tight it wouldn't really be feasible.

I think Mrs Mump's suggestion of an OU course is an excellent one.

And YANBU, not at all. Childcare costs make working unaffordable for a lot of people, and successive governments have done nothing significant to address this.

And it's not a new thing. My mother couldn't go back to nursing because it would have left them skint.

I studied and worked PT whilst my exH worked FT and we had three DC under three. I got a childcare grant from uni and my PT wage mostly covered my car but it was something. We got by anyway. I don’t think you need to be a SAHM, there are always options. Look into childcare grants or even open university courses, I know that still means staying home but at least you’d get an education.

I can empathise with that feeling of being trapped OP, it's awful. Being an unwilling SAHM can be soul destroying.

My situation is different to yours but the principle remains the same - I'm stuck at home the majority of the time and feel hugely resentful and like I'm losing my marbles. Mostly I hate that I'm not the mother I want to be as I'm so irritable and just don't have the patience for round the clock childcare. I've started making a solid plan for "escape" and am trying to focus on the bigger picture. I think it's so sad that I'm wishing my children's early years away though

Three children were a choice in the first place.
I am in top 5% of earners, but with two young children I am actually paying to go to work. Actively planning to change that, but at the moment also stuck in this situation.

Are you in the UK silver? Top 5% is around £70k, you must have change out of that even with a nanny, certainly with a cm?

The only people I know who have had to give up work are those with dc with disabilities or those who chose to have their dc close together.

so your DH just decided to change your agreement whether you liked it or not but you still he's a loving husband? He isn't

I was going to suggest trying to persuade him that the increased outgoings on childcare would be an investment, because they would increase your future earning potential, but if your finances are that tight it wouldn't really be feasible.

This is how unequal women still are. The DH just decides he's not sticking to the plan but the OP needs to persuade him to get his permission to go back to work

I would be LIVID in your situation op, how dare he decide he doesn’t fancy it and change the goalposts like that. Especially given your earning potential compared to his. You are putting far too much of this on yourself and so are other posters. You both chose to have three children, you both then made an agreement which meant you wouldn’t be a sahm, he then unilaterally changed it.

You’re a nicer woman than me as hecwoukd currently be working out how HE afforded to work while I continued with the programme we had both agreed.

This infuriates me, it’s always the woman giving way in these stories, always her income and potential discounted.

So now I’ve vented, are you willing to share the area of work you want to go into? Between us we may just have tips to keep you moving towards that even if a bit more slowly than hoped.

@InDubiousBattle
In the UK (London, more specifically) - childcare for two (on the cheap side) is around £2.5K a month which leaves ~£1.6K for everything else out of £70K salary - which is less than being on welfare. When they start school it will be a bit easier, but with the holiday care etc. it still looks like I will have costs of around £1.5K a month.

Reading this thread has cemented my decision not to have any more DC. Hope you get sorted OP. What about a night shift somewhere? Care home maybe.

Not a full night shift of course but a twilight shift.

Is it third child syndrome as I call it. I found 3rd a huge shock to the system, not enough of me to go around and a husband who worked away so although financially and emotionally supportive he wasnt physically there to help. I was drained and near tears. Does your childrens school have an afterschools? Usually cheaper and put youngest in a childminder? Even one day a week in a supermarket would prob help

I do think it is a choice. Not always one taken lightly but certainly a choice. Having children is a choice (except for when it isn't but that's a whole different issue). I of course sympathise but our choices have consequences.

I think society (and this forum) is a bit weird about SAHMs. Of course all SAHMs don't adopt this role because they have a burning desire to stay at home with their children, yet people always seem desperate to imply that being a SAHM is a privilege and all SAHMs should be grateful to their working partners for financially supporting the family. This is silly for lots of reasons including:

1. Lots of women like yourself don't actively choose to be SAHMs, but they adopt the role for the overall benefit of the family. This could be for financial reasons, for the children's benefit or for specific reasons related to SEN etc. Being a SAHM isn't always a selfish decision and quite often it is the opposite.

1. The working parent gets to earn a salary, have opportunities to progress and gets to build up a pension. They also get to have some adult company and focus on things that aren't child related. Work isn't always an unenjoyable slog and even when someone doesn't enjoy their job, there are often elements of it that are preferential to staying at home with small children.

Just to add my post, my overall point is that part of the reason OP might feel bad is because society makes out that being a SAHP should be enjoyable and is a privilege when actually it can be neither but can still be the best thing to do for the overall family unit. It's strange when people make similar decisions to care for other family members (e.g. elderly relatives) as opposed to outsourcing the care that nobody would imply that they were in a position of privilege. Even if the elderly relative was financially supporting the member of the family that was caring for them, most people would see the sacrifices the carer was making and not just assume it was a bundle of fun and that the carer was lucky to not have to financially support themselves.

When your DH is at home can you work even if it's nights or evenings or weekends
Or volunteer when he is at home
Or gain a qualification or complete a course

@MeanMrMustardSeed
I think you should try and shift the way you look at things. You’ve obviously had children young, and have had a reasonably large family and will be free to enter the workplace within a couple of years and work uninterrupted for decades. You will see loads of people (mainly women!) taking time off, careers stalling, missing opportunities etc, while you’ll be able to focus on work and do so knowing you have three children and were able to be a SAHM for their early years. If you look at it that way, you’ve nailed it!

I agree with this, plus perhaps ask your DH to give you free time on the sun just to recharge your batteries.
It is hard but its not forever, just communicate with your DH as you dont want the resentment growing.

Is there any parts of the studying you can do at home?

I completely sympathise. I was an involuntary and unwilling SAHM, due to post birth ill health, going overseas for DHs job, plus other reasons.

It affected my mental health terribly, and I too felt completely panicked at the thought of being trapped as SAHM for a long time to the point I developed severe anxiety.

If I were you I'd take a long term view and don't completely focus on the monetary cost of doing another course etc. Because the cost to you in terms of your mental health, self esteem, self confidence and enjoyment of day to day life imo will be far greater than the cost of retraining.

Look into ways you can fund your training, like student loans and try and plan, with your DH a way to make it happen.

You will be happier which means the whole family will be happier, which has a value in itself.

1. Lots of women like yourself don't actively choose to be SAHMs, but they adopt the role for the overall benefit of the family. This could be for financial reasons, for the children's benefit or for specific reasons related to SEN etc. Being a SAHM isn't always a selfish decision and quite often it is the opposite.

2. The working parent gets to earn a salary, have opportunities to progress and gets to build up a pension. They also get to have some adult company and focus on things that aren't child related. Work isn't always an unenjoyable slog and even when someone doesn't enjoy their job, there are often elements of it that are preferential to staying at home with small children.

This completely. I made the decision to stay at home for the greater good of my family, not for my own benefit, it has affected my emotional wellbeing BUT I have started making an escape plan as Someone9 said, incidentally Someone, having read your post, I feel that I could have written it and I am thankful to read that I am not alone in feeling this way. I have 3 dcs and a big gap between the eldest and youngest, I definitely have the feeling of going back again and can't help but compare how easier it gets when your dcs are older (more portable etc.) - I know there are stresses in other ways but in my experience, it has got easier with my older child.

Was it not your choice to have 3 children before you were qualified? (Genuine question as you haven't said).

I think it’s always hard when you’re forced into a situation not of your choosing.
It’s tough to be a SAHM who wants to be at work but can’t afford it and it’s tough to be a WOHM who wants to be at home but can’t afford it.
The lucky ones are those who are either a SAHM or a WOHM because that’s what they really wanted to do.

Ps this will get easier when all the children are at school. Being a SAHM to a toddler or preschooler is all consuming.

OP, really go back to that benefits calculator. Perhaps if you've got a part-time job, say 16-20h a week, the be nefits will top up for childcare (pretty sure they will).

Perhaps you could start with any work, even low paid etc that should improve your mental health anyway. And then, you can look into education and am actual career once you're settled into being out of the house and working.