To think not all sahm are there by choice?

[Fakenametodayhey]

I am a sahm and apparently i should be grateful. However i can't afford to work- it would cost our family more than i would be able to take in.

My partner had some time off recently and i volunteered at a school to get experience, applied to finish my education (which was postponed when i became pregnant with my first)
It was decided I would look for work or continue studying until savings ran low and then we would maybe work part time each or just try and work it out so i can get my chance out of the house and experoence the working world.

It was my first time out of the house without the kids (apart from a very few sparse, guilt ridden nights out. Mostly with dh anyway)
I really became to realise what i had been missing out on as a sahm and i began resenting all the time i had been stuck in the house. Anyway. He had enough of being the sahd after little over a month and went back to his old company who apparently missed him (i guess) and offered him more money. So i was expected to drop my volunteer work/ cancel completing education in september and just go back to how things were.

I now feel so bitter and resentful towards him. Ive become depressed and i just cry all the time. He is working longer hours and i feel so trapped.
I had to quit my volunteer work with no notice and im so embarrassed to top it all off.
I think that if he couldnt handle a litttle over a month of being a sahd then surely he can understand that i dont wabt to be a sahm anymore.
He has been helping out with the cleaning and he is a really good loving dad and husband but i just feel so angry towards him.
I am going to have to wait until spetember 2021 for my youngest to get 15 hours free childcare.
And another year after that for the 30hrs.

And to top it all off- my eldest is going through a really bad phase of just testing boundries and everything. Even getting out of the house for school recently is a job. I just cant take it anymore. And i know a couple of years isnt long in the long run. But when youre feeling trapped in a role that just doesnt suit anymore- a day is hard to get through . Never mind a couple of years.

And to top off the top off- a friend of mine just graduated university and has a job doing what i was supposed to do before i had kids. I havent even been able to be happy for her (which is shit- obviously i fake it but inside i feel like crying) because its just like looking into a mirror of what could have been my life.

What do i do? I have told my DH and he is trying to make my life easier but i just think its so infair that he gets to be the breadwinner even though i want to be. Ive supported his carreer and i just want the same for myself

I could have been earning twice the amount in the same time he has had if he was at home from the start.

I have started being nasty and rolling my eyes and internally sighing and i domt want to. I want to love him but i feel so sick that im stuck at home waiting.

Being a SAHM to a toddler or preschooler is all consuming.

This is how I'm currently feeling and it is hard. It is different when your children are at school, gamerwidow is right.

I calculated that for the month of August, to put all three of my dcs into holiday club/nursery, I wouldn't get much change out of £2000 (not in London).

Another one here suggesting looking at the open university or similar. You may be able to get at least some of your credits from there in the meantime.
You say you were volunteering in a school. Is there any way your husband could allocate some annual leave so you could do a day per term or so back there? Can anyone give you even a couple of hours cover so you can go into the school and read with the children or something?
Whatever you can’t change you have to find a way to live with for the next couple of years. But there’s been some good suggestions here that might enable you to make some progress. Good luck with it.

It was also interesting to read the post that mentioned that having 3 dcs really changed things - it did for me too, I can't explain it really other than trying to give attention/time/being in 3 different places at once is tricky = outnumbered although it has been made easier by my eldest being that much older.

@Someone9 i feel exactly the same. Gutted that im wishing their short childhood awway but also gutted that no matter what i do i cant have fun with them 24 hours.

Its such a shame you cant bank some of the early years and cash them in later

Reading this you can’t help think about all these parents with children with lifelong disabilities and are in this situation for life. Carers need looking after way more than they are

@arethereanyleftatall i had recently started the pill but stupidly didn't double up with condoms everytime so when i found out i was pregnant and all the hormones that came with it ( i was actually looking at babies in the street a week before i found out i was pregnant_ even though i was adamant i didnt want babies until i had everything sorted. The feelings just got to me. And my own mother told me that she had a termination just one year younger than i was still regretted it all these years later. ) i just decided to see what my boyfriend thought and we decided we would do it.
Still together and love eachother very much so it obviously was the right decision but i thought itd be easier.

And of course i have a massive employment gap and he doesnt which doesnt seem very fair either! I have told him how i feel but in the short term we can make more money- itll take me about 5 years to even be earning even if i started today.

Amd he isnt in a job where he can just shift his shifts around. He works all over and has to drive to scotland, wales, cornwall.... all really so he has to stay away. No time to drive back and look after kids.
It was doable before the promotion but now it is impossible. We do have a few weeks where he has a day or two off but they are few amd far between

There's no point in dressing yourself over what could have been, it's a waste of energy and won't change anything. I'm just coming out the other side of where you are now (but I've been a sahm for way longer) and I promise you it can get better. Have you been in to your local college to chat to them about education options for you? My sahm hell changed the day I bit the bullet and did that. I did an access course alongside other women in our position (lots of them single parents with young children) and I've just finished my first year at university on my way to the professional life I "should" have had. There are childcare funding options available, it's really worth at least going to have a talk with a college for some advice. Yes it's going to take a while to get where you want to be but it can be done.

Its such a shame you cant bank some of the early years and cash them in later

It is. I think that's a common sentiment for most parents though, nearly everyone I've spoken to feels like this sometimes.

Plus I read somewhere that the time is going to pass anyway. So it may seem disheartening that you’re at least 5 years off where you want to be, but that 5 years are going to go by whatever you do.

Are there any things that you could do to up-skill while still at home? Are you sure you definitely want to go into your chosen career path - as now would be a good time to look at all the options?

Eg would learning to drive help (either once you go back to studying or increase the types of jobs you could apply for in future)? Look at jobs websites to see what is out there. I recently came across a role where they were taking people without current professional experience and training them on the job (it was a job I was working towards but not quite qualified for). Lots of courses on edx and courses.

Do talk to your DH to see if he can ask for a reduction in hours. Even if he went down to 5 or 4.5 days a week, half or 1 day for you to work or do personal development would make a difference. If his company will not offer it - perhaps he can look for a job at a place that is more flexible. Both myself and my DH value time/flexibility over higher salary.

I only have one DC and I’d still be out of pocket if I worked. I’m not eligible for any topups, don’t even get child benefit because DH earns too much, no family who could offer free childcare. So basically I can’t work until DC gets free childcare at age 3. One of the main reasons I’m not having any more DC is because it would extend the period that I’m unable to work. I’m sick of being stuck at home, depressed and isolated. But it would be stupid to work and be worse off.

I am very resentful of DH who goes to work and has adult conversations, does something interesting and fulfilling that earns him praise and progresses his skills, drinks hot coffee, wees in peace, eats lunch in peace and chats with colleagues, etc. He also goes on overnight trips and has drinks and restaurant meals with colleagues followed by peaceful nights. He’s even been to awards ceremonies and parties for clients. Sometimes I hate him.

@Dughug are you me? Did i write this? Are you also stuck watching hey duggee on re-bloody-pete?

The last part about dh having conversations and work dos etc. I havent closed the bathroom door since dc1 was born and i just cant believe how unfair it seems!

And to top it all off everyone and anyone likes to remind you that he is such a good man for providing for you and working for you (which he is and i am grateful and i do love him) but its annoying that everyone comments. It could easoly have been the otherway round and he would be the galant father who is taking care of his children while the evil mother slinks off to work (people have even commented on my meagre few hours a week at a volunteer position that it isnt fair on dh for having to look after his own children and he should be allowed down time after work! Ugh.)

Are you also stuck watching hey duggee on re-bloody-pete?
Yep 😩

I can’t even work evenings because DH sometimes works late or goes on overnight trips, it’s unpredictable and I have to be available to parent in his absence. We discussed me working on Saturdays but the options are very limited, it certainly wouldn’t be a career. We don’t need the extra £50 I’d earn. We DO need for me to be fulfilled but a Saturday job isn’t going to provide that.

I just wanted to point out that he isn't HELPING with cleaning, he's doing his fair share. He lives there too

So i was expected to drop my volunteer work/ cancel completing education in september

So contributing nothing. Yet your husband goes to work for six days a week to provide for your family. and YOU are the one feeling resentful? YABVU!

OP, sorry, is your partner your DH or boyfriend? You called him two different things in different posts.